I've been played
Like a puppet on a string
My atonement I have paid
An empty lullaby left to sing
An eclipse in the distance
That conjures up my past
I have gouged it from my existence
And the bullet that surpassed
A perdition so exiled
There's a silent prayer
The sandman's child
Left a rose to declare
Moments in time
Shadows that lurk
I go back and rewind
With an evil smirk
Author notes
Word Bank -
Perdition
Rose
Puppet
Sandman
Bullet
Atonement
Conjure
Gouge
Lullaby
Eclipse
A contest entry
- Another Chance to Test Your Poetic Fortitude by Minstrel Knight.
700 points, ended July 18, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Very well written from the odd pick of words.. I like how it conveys a sad tone.. The first stanza I like best. All the best!
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Nicely done. The rhythm and rhyme works very well for this. It has a subtle darkness about it that I like. However, you might want to proof read this again, there are some spelling errors and some words are used incorrectly. In the third line "payed" should be "paid". First line of the second stanze "An eclipse of the distance" Do you mean to say "in the distance" Because I can't see how the distance itself could be eclipsed. Then "That conjure up my past" This poem seems to be in present tense so it seems like it should be "That conjures up my past". Then the word "gouge" is used as a noun when it's a verb. That's it for the technical stuff (sorry if it seems harsh, but I'm an editor, proofreading is what I do). Otherwise well done, thank you for entering and good luck.
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