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Picture my emptiness

A long abandoned,gloomy room
filled with suffocating gas
A mirror in the corner
seems it has long not been used
dark in dirt and dust
not a single sign of life
putting across a question

       can you
picture my emptiness


Emotions entrapped within the soul
spirit encaged in body alone
i vacillate between desires and fulfillment
still fail to fill the void i hold,
in quandry about the state i am in
can you
picture my emptiness

Deadpan
a puppet, so old
eyes, so numb
they hold no more tears,
isolated,deserted
still have no fear
can you
still
picture my emptiness...

Author notes

can you picture my emptiness.
picturing or figuring someones emptiness is much easier than trying to describe your own .
such is the state of feeling empty
words fall short
eyes feel numb
hands bare open
you stand shuned
such is the state of emptiness

the world around you is buzzing
you still feel so lone
you try and speak to yourself
but always remain unheard
such is the state of emptiness...

to make it simple-
*vacillate-to sway,through lack of equillibrium,waver in mind,will or feeling.
*quandry-predicament,state of perplexity or doubt
*deadpan-expressionless.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 24 of 24

  • albinoblacksheep720
    November 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Huh...

    That was nice. But, your words lost me. Picturing your emptiness is kind of hard. What kind of emptiness though? But, still it was good. Good luck.


  • justgot2loveme
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    " eyes, so numb
    they hold no more tears "
    wow that is deep and so sad.
    Great jod, an enjoyable read.
    Good luck in the contest.

    Justgot2loveme


  • jasminerose
    October 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful choice of words you have used to capture the essence of emptiness within. Well constructed in imagery and emotion! Nicely done indeed!
    My best to you in this contest!
    Linda


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    August 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A very interesting take is this poem, well done on your previous gold. Best to you


  • daviscth silver member
    August 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You did an awesome job with this poem. I can clearly see why it has won a golden cup. Thank you for your entry.


  • Ntagatf
    August 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Great write, i enjoyed reading it, i dont have time to go into details but thank you for entering my contest and good luck. Keep up the great work!


  • slippingofftheedge
    August 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i like the idea behind it


  • Candy Morphine
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    holy moley this is amazing.
    this way this poem encaptivates you and then seems to fade away.
    fraken amazing!!!

  • piccola silver member
    August 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I don't think we can ever picture another's emptiness, and it is hard enough to describe our own. You did a very good job here though. I like the repetition and think it enforces the write. Thank you for entering


  • A-Daisy-Among-Roses
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This piece is beautiful. I love it. your words are powerful and well chosen. each words drips with meaning. well done.


  • crystallynnbradford
    June 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow! i don't think I have seen a more perfectly penned piece.....


  • darlintlc silver member
    May 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very nicely described!!

    "can you picture my emptiness"

    Like looking in a mirror...of myself!
    Great poem and good luck
    darlintlc


  • Nicolette Everett
    November 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very sad, but yet good. I like what you wrote about and how you portrayed such emotions. The working was very good and it was all nicely written.


  • storiesuntold gold member
    October 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    So sad

    Sometimes this emptiness is like looking at oneself from the outside yet that person refuses to respond . That person outside is ones soul that begs for the person to come back and in doing so find life as it was meant to be


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    August 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    interesting piece, leaves me quite puzzled for some reason


  • bananasfoster42
    August 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this is a great write. please be sure to put the option 4 me. thanks for entering


  • thelovesongwriter
    July 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    yes i can picture it, very good imagery- what you would really feel if lonely. magnificent piece. best of luck& thanks for entering


  • katie-jo
    July 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    i love this poem. it is so amazing and so intriguing. Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest!


  • Peteskid gold member
    July 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    asking a question that can be answered but probably will not , such an expression of emptiness; very well done wonderful imagery...PK

  • tara wilson gold member
    July 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    and a puppet without a hand...awesome Thanks for your poem on what emptiness is for you...and for your recent edits

  • tara wilson gold member
    July 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    ..."A mirror in the corner
    seems it has long not been used
    dirty,dusty,abandoned
    no sign of life inside
    can you
    picture my emptiness"...

    I really like this...as you have understood the theme somewhat and I love your emptiness...a mirror without a reflection...excellent

    Some suggestions:

    you don't need: (my heart)
    the reader knows this

    left align
    with more line breaks for pause

    withen - within

    a space after the commas

    this all is just to help with
    reading the poem better
    and I am picky...lol

    I really like this poem...
    don't change it if you don't want to -
    but definately change withen to within

    I also feel the first stanza is all you
    need for the making of this poem

    I like the repetition in the poem...
    I feel it works

    THANK YOU so much for this entry

    I also like how you made this poem your own thought

1 - 24 of 24