Refugees near church’s doors all perish
but all eyes turn away as it’s bells toll
made of gold that it’s holy men cherish
from offerings the working class once stole
The beggars came to drag away the dead
to loot and steal what valuables they could
and left behind a liquid trail of red
pointing to where the House of Evil stood
The corpses now lay baking in the sun
picked dry by the starving children’s mob
but as the buzzards circle, masses run
now it is mother nature’s turn to rob
That night the children died out in the cold
-the church added another bell of gold
A contest entry
- The Cries of Society by bloved.
450 points, ended July 11, 2007, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Laughs of Society by bloved.
550 points, ended August 2, 2007, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Ensnarement of Sorrow [ a dark poetry contest ] by gasolinequeen.
445 points, ended August 22, 2007, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sonnets, sonnets, and more sonnets by RatherImaginative.
1925 points, ended September 8, 2007, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - HM - Green Effulgence by Namita.
300 points, ended August 27, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me think by see me fly 2.
1500 points, ended August 29, 2007, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darker Than The Abyss by DancingShadowCorpse.
900 points, ended September 20, 2007, 91 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Interesting ...
In stanza one, you've used "it's" twice when it should be "its". Your final couplet is weaker than it could be, but all in all, not bad.
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Sweetly dark!
The corpses now lay baking in the sun
picked dry by the starving children’s mob
but as the buzzards circle, masses run
now it is mother nature’s turn to rob
Sickly well written, starving children cannibalisticly eating on rotting corpses that are probably rancid as hell as they bake in the heat of the sun.. that is fantastically sick and twisted. The entire poem is sick and dark. I love it all! Using something as religiously high in standard as a church, adding a gold bell to their already hanging precious bell because of something as disgusting as this happening.. that is sick. Gold is meant to show rich and purity, and definatly honor.. and they place up a golden bell after this tragedy happening. Incredibly dark and very unique!
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1st line is missing a syllable, as is the 2nd line of the 3rd stanza. In the first stanza, both the "it's" need to be changed to "its".
Awesome and very moving imagery. The message of the poem was powerful indeed, a raw painting of what happens when those "serving" the church bow to their greed rather than God. Thanks so much for entering my contest! -
Wow...*eyes water* this one is...so sad...beautiful and worthy of winning something, but sad all the same. good write, very descriptive, and you're form is flawless, good luck.
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It's just so true. I really loved this poem... I went back and read it again once I'd finished just because it hit home so much. You have a lot of talent, and you're putting it to good use by writing pieces like this. Thank you very much for entering, and the very best of talent to you in the contest!
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wow this was really deep and truely upsetting!
This is what are world was gone too...children starving and scared...this is truely a crime
My favorite line is:
That night the children died out in the cold
-the church added another bell of gold
This is a bone chilling ending and sadly true
Thank you for entering!
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Thank you, I agree, The Church should spend less time hoarding, and more time helping
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