I’ve stood there for hours
On the edge of that cliff...
I go there every morning
And smell the air swift...
I close my eyes and feel the mist that the waves bring to the rocks down below
Shinning so beautifully; I’m dazed; I spin in circles...
As I stand there day by day, hour by hour
The transparent white cloth wrapping against my frail pale body
It’s the gown that I wore when he died two years prior
I lift my arms open and let the wind hit me;
I shiver and tremble; I feel crippled and gaunt
My skin has no pigment
There are scars on my skin that are hideous beyond all measure
I scratch my skin some more;
I feel the blood trickle down my body;
My eyes are hollow, and my hair is long and greasy...
Tears fall from my soul
And I open my eyes
I look down below to see the possible fate of my present existence...
That one day was different than all the days before...
I took an extra step forward, and felt by soul slip
I fell through the air
Not a sound was heard,
I landed on a piercing stone and felt the paint rip into my legs, stomach and my heart
The pain was so severe,
And I smirked and looked at my body...
I wasn’t dead yet,
But I knew I would pass soon...
Blood streamed from the gashes that were made in my mortal body...
I felt my fluids empty from me...
Everything was still and quiet;
I watched the waves hit each other
No sound, no feeling,
I felt my body turn cold however,
And I opened my mouth and said
‘Goodbye’
I was gone from that world by the mere means of my own suicide...
The thing is that it was so easy; and now I'm free...
A contest entry
- oh, to just disappear... by CarCrashHumor.
1500 points, ended August 15, 2007, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
you set up the scene quite well[if well is the right word to use in a case such as this]. But it was as if the reader could visualise the place you were at and even feel what was going on in your mind. Yes , the poem is very well written , however I do hope that the last line is merely there to close the write with the srong finale it calls for [ and that it is not really a true belief that suicide would finally set us free]Best wishes in the contest,
reenie
-
Powerful and painful. This is excellantly written. Thanks for sharing it
-
Wow
I can relate so well I have had many trials and tribulations in my life... So intense this is so heart wrenching......
-
"I close my eyes and feel the mist that the waves bring to the rocks down below
Shinning so beautifully; I’m dazed; I spin in circles..."
I loved that stanza
and I almost think you could cut it down a bit...
and still be able to express all the emotion and the whole story of it just as well if not better, leaving the reader to question why exactly and all the details.
maybe something like...
"I’ve stood there for hours
On the edge of that cliff...
I go there every morning
And smell the air swift...
"
[then insert...]
"I lift my arms open and let the wind hit me;
I shiver and tremble; I feel crippled and gaunt
My skin has no pigment
There are scars on my skin that are hideous beyond all measure"
[then...]
"
I close my eyes and feel the mist that the waves bring to the rocks down below
Shining so beautifully; I’m dazed; I spin in circles..."
"I fell through the air
Not a sound was heard,
I landed on a piercing stone and felt the paint rip into my legs, stomach and my heart"
"Everything was still and quiet;
I watched the waves hit each other
No sound, no feeling,
I felt my body turn cold however,
And I opened my mouth and said
‘Goodbye’
"
and leave off with that goodbye.
I hope you don't feel as if I'm out of line in suggesting all this.. it's just, I believe it's worth the extra work and stripping and picking and everything else it needs to live up to its full potential.
sorry this is so long, and thanks for entering.
[don't feel obligated to change anything either way]
Adding your comment:
