I take a holiday just once a year,
A fortnight lounging in the summer sun
Lie in a deckchair with a glass of beer
And make-believe that I am having fun:
The hordes disport themselves upon the sands
Baring white bodies to the blazing skies,
Toddlers have ice-creams clasped in sweating hands
And sandwiches are filled with grit and flies.
A smell of onions drifts upon the air
The burger stalls, doing a roaring trade,
A radio emits a tinny blare
Along the prom the brylcreemed youths parade:
The turning tide deposits on the shores
Banana skins and browning apple cores.
A contest entry
- Rhyme and Meter Workshop: Shakespearean Sonnet by Epistomolus.
1200 points, ended July 15, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Celebrate 14 July... by Vera Rich.
600 points, ended July 22, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is a good job ...
and yes, it does seem to describe a British vacation, but the title is good and as for the rest, the French won't mind.
Anyway, anything is possible on the Côte d'Azur.
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Aye, so I'd heard. I'm booking my ticket down to Cannes forthwith! And I'm not packing my brylcreem.
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There's always olive oil.
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A little peripheral perhaps... Only the title seems French... the holiday described seems rather a British one!...
But,... this is a celebration...so in it goes!
I am not judging poems today... simply starting my preliminary "sort"...
But may I congratulate you on NOT following the advice (given, doubtless, with the best intentions!), which would have turned your subtle rhythm into a mechanical drum-beat...
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Weel, ah wis sort of thinking of Portobello. But that's no' quite French, more Spanish? Anyway, thanks for letting it through. And the positive comment on the rhythm!
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I once got poked on the beach at Portobello, so this brings back many happy memories for me. I would strongly recommend against eating in the restaurant "Old McDonalds Bonnie Burger Shack" in Fore Street unless you are "into" diarrhoea by the bucketload.
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En Joyed
This is a very strong entry. I like your theme, and you develop it well. Your rhymes are clear and clean. Your imagery is wonderful - one moment a breeze brings the onions, the next you smell the hair cream (do they make brylcream anymore, and do youngsters use it? I mean, a little dab hasn't done me in forty years or so....)
I like the turn. If you're comparing the browning fruit to the white skins of the people on the beach, it may be too subtle, or just subtle enough, because I made that connection.
There are several awkward spots with regard to meter that would be easy to fix.
"TODDlers HAVE ice-CREAMS clasped IN sweaTING hands"
could change to
"the TODDlers CLASP ice-CREAMS in SWEAting HANDS."
Still not perfect (should be ICE-creams).
"the KIDS clasp ICE-creams IN their SWEAting HANDS"
similarly
the BURger STALLS, doING a ROARing TRADE
could change to
the BURger STALLS all DO a ROARing TRADE
with only the slightest change.
This poem doesn't need a lot of work - it needs a couple of little tweaks, and you'll have a completely successful poem. Very nice work indeed. -
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Thanks for an extremely detailed review of my wee poem. Your suggestions for metric changes throw up some interesting points about pronunciation in different dialects of the English language. In Scotland, ice-cream is usually pronounced with the emphasis strongly on the last syllable u / , while most Americans I've heard saying it reverse the stress pattern to /u. Don't know why this should be. Similarly, Scots might add syllables to some words, and elide syllables in others. Television, films and the internet often change the way people pronounce things as well - I've noticed that a lot of young people around here have adopted the Australian way of ending all sentences on an upward stress, as if they were rhetorical questions. Fashions come and fashions go - extremely quickly nowadays it seems. Anyway, thanks for the praise. Brylcreem is still available around here (I've checked the spelling, and it's creem rather than cream!), although I'm a bit too follically challenged to have much use for it. I thought of my sonnet as having a sort of 1960's Blackpool feel to it. I'm impressed by your reference to the browning apple cores: it hadn't occurred to me at all. With global warming, maybe crisps might be more appropriate. Best Wishes.
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If the stresses you've used convey the rhythm and tone you intend, then you should cheerfully ignore my comments and we will enjoy your poem just as it stands.
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How true
Is there any place that is unspoiled? I am sympathetic to your distaste for holiday destinations. The imagery is excellent, and you show emotion by nuance - good fun. Good luck!
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