Screams echo through the halls.
Her heavy breathing is lost at the sound of her bare feet, running.
Tripping over nothing,
Her face slams into the cold ground.
Blood mixes with the tears all along her face.
Horror stricken,
Running away from herself.
She’s the monster,
But no one believes.
Can’t they see the way her hands yank
Out those silky strands of hair?
How she runs from nothing?
Where is she going?
What happened to her?
Dizzy from the sight of so much blood,
She sways,
Falling backward.
Hands clasp her waist,
Then disappear,
Deserting her.
Wind howls through her ears,
Seeping into her mind.
The pounding of her heart can be heard everywhere,
But nothing can control her anymore…
Anissa Sapp
7/3/07 12:17 AM
Author notes
Option #5
'♥ dancing on your grave ♥'
A contest entry
- ♥ So What If I Sing Into My † Hairbrush † [[DP allowed!]]♥ by On Frail Wings..
480 points, ended July 14, 2007, 24 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything by Madison Mary.
1000 points, ended August 2, 2007, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - *L.o.s.t, H.u.r.t.&&C.o.n.f.u.s.e.d* by Logans-Mommy.
500 points, ended August 2, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - SheLookedInsideAndScreamed by Exodus.
600 points, ended August 19, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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There are a few things that I think would make this piece better. The second line of the first stanza could be broken in two, and the punctuation could be better. There are a few points that could do without a comma and some where a semicolon would be more appropiate. Then there is the use of center align but that is more a personal thing. I think most poems are better left aligned unless they are shape poetry etc.
But other than that it was an interesting piece to read, very strong. -
wow,i like this,very powerful,and very emotional.Thank you and good luck!
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oh this is very very nice. welcome to finals my dear.
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Quite well done indeed. I liked this line...
Hands clasp her waist,
Then disappear,
Deserting her.
It was so very emotional, and it was so much like a story, like a personal account of something terrible. I almost felt as if I were there. The words you used were so good, thanks for entering, KP -
i really liked this poem a lot im sorry you didnt win if i'd had more points i definitely would've given you something!!!
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This poem is pretty intense. I really enjoyed reading it, it's well written and flows nicely. Thanks for entering the contest!
-KP] -
wow ireally like the enter feel of the poem and the mood. nice write and good luck in the contest. im adding you to the finalists.
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I really like this insanity at it's best. I needed you to tell me what corrupted her, this was a fine piece but I like to know what did this to the mystery girl. Thank you for entering!
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"Hands clasp her waist,
Then disappear,
Deserting her."
Don't we all feel like this sometimes?
I love how it was a story.
And my breathing felt staggered along with hers,
Nice job!
The title could possibly be:
"Echoes"
or "Echoes of the Heart"?
Mm. Just a possibility.
Anyways,
Nice job <3 -
'[ Screams echo through the halls. ]'...
kind of reminds me of when I was growing up with my sisters and all the fighting we went through....also of a horror movie I once watched..
Anyways;as always i thank you for sharing and letting me and the rest of us read your words....I now think upon them... -
I love this one, there's emotions flowing with the words. It's creepy, I hate to compare but it reminds me one of mine. but this one is different. It's can be a scary thing if you don't control...I'm here to help ya sis I'm not going to abandon you.
Grammer= "Her heavy breathing is lost at the sound of her bare feet,running"
To me it doesn't sound right.
Her heavy breathing is lost from the sound of her bare feet;running.
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