For one who suffers

Dear fallenangel671,

It is clear from what you have described of yourself that you are going through a very difficult, painful, and certainly lonely time in your life. It is very easy to be lonely, no matter how many people may be surrounding you, or how many love and care for you. In this world there is a lot of pain, and sometimes it seems to come down too hard and too heavy on some people more than others.

Everyone has their struggles in life, myself included. It is pushing yourself and telling yourself that you will get through them, become a likeable,courageous, and loveable person that make you truly strong. I am not telling you this to be cliched or to make you think oh please, this girl has no clue what I've been through and what I feel, she has no clue how hard it is and how you can't "just get happy." You are absolutely right, it is hard and it is painful and you can't just get happy. It's not that simple. Sometimes it will seem impossible, and sometimes it will seem not worth it. You will want to remain unhappy because you are used to it and it is comfortable, even though it hurts. You know what to expect, and you can't be bothered to struggle for something better.

Trust me, I know how it feels. Although I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder, at one point in my life I was down to 93 pounds. I exercised constantly and I lost my period for six months. I counted calories daily and ignored the voices of friends who told me I was too thin, they could see my bones. I have also been suffering bouts of depression for four years now on and off. I have been destructive to my body in my depression to the point where I was sent to a therapist all last year. I know what it is like to struggle with yourself.

But it CAN get better. I am at a place in my life now where I never thought I would be even six months ago. I may not be happy in the sense that most people think, but I am satisfied. I have told myself that I will not harm myself or allow myself to be around people who make me want to harm myself, and over the course of a year, with enough determination, this has become mostly true. There will be setbacks- I had about six or seven. But you will eventually get to the point where your urge to be happy and undestructive to yourself will be stronger than your urge to hurt yourself. This may not be true for a long time- it wasn't for me. But if you truly want to get well, you can, and you will.

I wish you luck, and know I am praying for you.

Jinx