Harkening to phrases reminiscent of
waxen wings and sealing wax, I search
for Timbuktu's address, found when I close
my eyes and gaze at the variegated hues,
awash in tarfield-vision.
My waxen wings and sealing wax
are matchless against you winter breath,
gusting in through a cracked door.
My letter will never leave the hearth,
never cross the yearned-for threshold
into Timbuktu.
Author notes
I'm 14 years old and need help on how I can improve this and other poems, so critiques appreciated a lot!
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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really really good
Wow. You're only 14 huh? That was how old i was when i first started here so i'm really quite honoured to comment on your poem, especially as it's such a good one, and you're so young! (altho not that much younger than me and you're much better than i am!)
Icarus is such a powerful story of yearning to be free and the tragedy of knowing it can never be. However i think the flow of this story is distracted by Timbuktu. I'm not quite sure how timbuktu fits in but hey, it's your poem, not mine!
Anyway well done on a very very good poem and keep writing, look forward to reading more ...
Rach xx !!
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I love it! keep up the great work.
Amber -
first of all lol i am only 15 but love to write and help people with there writing!
The begging in good, you sound terribly intelligent in this poem the way you use your words is great!
There was one place i read and didn't like because i'm picky and dont' like to use one word twice in a line or a stanza. "My waxen wings and sealing wax" this would be better maybe in two lines.
My waxen wings
and sealing wax
i almost like that better.
another thing would be the way you space your lines (just another picky thing of mine) you could just look it over see if you really like your stanza and line choosing. (it's not bad so if you like it leave it )
One more thing
, leaving extra words such as are out of a line can improve it a lot! the place i was thinkin was
"My waxen wings and sealing wax
are matchless against you winter breath,"
My waxen wings
and sealing wax
matchless against your winter breath.
This poem is very good though i enjoyed it a lot it reminded me of some things i would write.
I would appreciate your impoot in some of my writes you sound like a good writer keep it up!
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I really liked the ideas you had in this piece, it was beautifully written, however there are a few things I feel could maybe be improved.
I think that you really have the unique-wording thing down, all of your lines are strong and unique when they stand alone, but when you put them together, they don't mesh and flow as well as one might hope. So maybe try swtitching a word or two here or there, that has the same meaning as the word previous, but is better when connected to the lines surrounding.
I liked the second half of this a great deal better than the first, I think your words flow better in the second half, I do think that you should maybe cut this into two stanzas, the second stanza beginning the second time you say
"My waxen wings and sealing wax"
I think breaking up the poem would help the structure and possibly make it more effective.
I really do like the repetion of that line though, it makes it stick out more than any other line in the piece; and if thats what you were going for then you did a good job there.
Well, you did a great job on this piece, I really enjoyed it-and by tweaking it here or there, you could have an even stronger piece! Thank you for sharing this.
Amanda
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