Have you ever stared down at an open grave,
so full of whispered pleas and
jagged tears you could choke on them
and wondered when you'd be the one people forgot,
embraced by a never-changing eulogy?
Author notes
You've got me writing "Have You Ever..." poems all over the place now
36 words
In a list
A contest entry
- have you ever ... ? by DancingRed.
300 points, ended July 30, 2007, 22 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Have you ever stood before an open grave and just clrawled down into it to lie down to see/imagine how it feels.
Make sure you bring a camera and a friend to take a picture....not to mention help you up and out!
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Compelling and powerful. Your words have wonderfully captured that speechlessness of a funeral... and all the myriad of thoughts that goes with it.
Thanks for entering yet again.
DancingRed.
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The only line I don't like is the third one, the word 'hot' seems like a brash and odd word in that place. Other than that, I love the imagery you have in just a few words. =)
~thoudreamchild -
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Hmm... I wouldn't have thought of that...
What makes you think it's an odd word? -
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I really don't know. I read it once, found something odd with it - and then I read it again to make sure.
It seems out of place. A blunt word among 'whispered pleas and hot tears.' Maybe its where you put it because it doesn't sound that bad in that sentences. lol. I'm sorry. -
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No need to say I'm sorry, I'm curious what you think.
I was actually going for literal in the wording of "hot tears" because if you're crying hard enough the tears don't have time to cool...
would it sound better with "molten" rather than "hot" it does seem a little... simplified.
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No, molten doesn't sound right either.
*thinks* I know what you're trying to get at. Hot tears would work best for the situation of what you're trying to say.
I would almost use the word 'searing' (is that even how its spelled?)
Maybe even harsh. But thats slightly cliche`. -
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Hmm...
How about "jagged"?
Go for a different angle on the whole thing?
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Oooo, 'jagged.'
It gives it an almost sort of angsty, sharp edge to the poem.
=) Yes, I like it. -
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And it works in with the rest of the line.
Thank you for your help
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No problem, it was a pleasure.
~thoudreamchild
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I used to fear being forgotten... But now I know my friends will always remember me. (Awwww )
I think I'll go try a "Have you ever..." poem
Loved it <3
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Really inspiring.
I don't know if I am capable to create something like this.. small and simple yet very interesting piece..
Well written, and detailed nicely
well done.
~ChoaticRose -
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Thank you.
You should try sometime,
Start with "Have you ever..." and keep it under 40 words.
It's actually lots of fun and a little addictive
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I like it.
you poetry is wonderful...I wish I could write like you do.
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Thank you very much hun.
I've been writing for over 5 years now, so I'm sure all you need is practice
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