I don't remember a sweeter moment in time
when life gives me a newly devolped lemon
it's more sour then I ever expected it to be
I doubt that I ever wanted to be a part of this
and when the sun is shining I can easily see
the porclain stars staring back at me, wondering what's wrong
they know that I have something important to loose
but they don't have enough time to even try to figure it out
for the half eaten moons are calling them in from the otherside
for yet another mouthwatering meal of sunshine and rainbows
maybe I've got it all wrong, maybe I'm misunderstanding
instead of that over used excuse that I'm misunderstood
not only by you, but my family and society itself
but aren't we getting tired of such a cliché in daylight
the day is no fun when you can't see the porclain stars
as they seem to give a feeling of strong insecurity
because you know that they know you know something
that only the sun and clouds could figure out in a stitch
but only if you could take the square root of the problem
and try to find out the origin of the problem, divided by two
but it isn't easy as mathmatics, you'll need a little science
or chemistry to be more percise, the sparks are yet to be explained
is it was simple as ''I can see the chemistry between you two''?
I guess it's up to the honor roll student who you bullied around
back in high school when we used to be friends
back then it was like life had given me an apple
simple, red and round, like a heart
but the photographs simply weren't developed well enough
Author notes
sorry if it's a bit too long.
A contest entry
- Show me your talent! by Beating.
1000 points, ended July 17, 2007, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do you have what it takes by Improv Machinery.
400 points, ended July 5, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Write Only by SandraMVeinot.
345 points, ended July 6, 2007, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter Prewrites You Think Are Worthy Of Gold by KittieLyyn.
330 points, ended July 25, 2007, 43 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Did You Win a Trophy? by Nam.
1750 points, ended October 18, 2007, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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"when life gives me a newly devolped lemon" - "devolped" would be "developed".
"the porclain stars staring back at me, wondering what's wrong" - "porclain" would be "porcelain". Which also reminds me that you misspelled it, as well, in your title.
"they know that I have something important to loose" - "loose" at the end, would be "lose".
"but aren't we getting tired of such a cliché in daylight" - you have extra space between "getting" and "tired".
"the day is no fun when you can't see the porclain stars" - "porclain" would be "porcelain".
"or chemistry to be more percise, the sparks are yet to be explained" - "percise" would be "precise".
"is it was simple as ''I can see the chemistry between you two''?" - I believe that your "is" that begins the line would be an "if".
You have an abundance of filler words that really aren't needed throughout the entirety of your poem. Your first verse seems to be okay, in such regard, but after that, it's just a tad overdone in filler words.
EX:
"but they don't have enough time to even try to figure it out"
Could be shortened to:
"they do not have enough time to even figure it out."
Which makes it minus two words, yet if you did have "do not" as "don't" as you have it, then three words; but, I feel the line reads better with "do not" spelled out.
"for yet another mouthwatering meal of sunshine and rainbows"
"for" isn't needed in this line, and the "and" at the end could be shortened to "&".
"yet another mouthwatering meal of sunshine & rainbows"
Those are two examples. I could go on 'til the end but there's really no need. I'm sure you could do a read-through and see it for yourself .. unless you disagree.
You have some words in some parts where you use the same word more than once in the line. Sometimes this works, but, I do not feel it works too well with this poem.
I feel if it was edited more, more condensed yet still being fluid as it reads aloud (though shaky), errors fixed that I pointed out, it would be a great story to read.
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wow...beautiful...wowowowow...i was expecting over punctuated dirty pretty but this was wow! i love these last lines
back in high school when we used to be friends
back then it was like life had given me an apple
simple, red and round, like a heart
but the photographs simply weren't developed well enough
just so so so good.
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'Porclain Stars & Half Eaten Moons'...
I really like the ideas you set forth in this write...it has inspired me today....and i very much like it when someone or something does that...worth alot to me, a very lot to me....thank you so much!
Anyways;as always i thank you for sharing and letting me and the rest of us read your words....I now think upon them... -
no need to be sorry, its a great write. i just love the images that it projected into my head. thank you so much for entering and good luck
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love it. Especially these lines:
"because you know that they know you know something
that only the sun and clouds could figure out in a stitch"
I really love those. This is so well written, and brought so many thoughts and feelings. I think my favourite part is the last stanza/the last line. So good! -
this is a gorgeously written piece, love the imagery very much
nicely portrayed and written
you definitely made me feel a part of the piece
keep writing
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