I walk alone
Through the armpit
Of a desolate slum
Dressed in a fresh
Black suit
Gold cufflinks and all
I slide off my shades
And take a look around
Through squinted eyes
I see an old man
Tattered and torn
Asleep on the steps
Of a former bungalow
Surrounded by flies
And ferile cats
Seemingly devoid of life
A crow pierces the silence
I pause
And let it all sink in
Such a humbling place
Like day and night
From the lap of luxury
I think to myself
This cannot be
A contest entry
- This Isn't What You Think!!!! by Heavenly Angel.
475 points, ended July 3, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything as long as it is good by Swan song.
750 points, ended July 14, 2007, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Last of The Summer Poets (I want to give points away) by jaffa-forbes.
624 points, ended August 25, 2007, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems for my wall by Lauren Noir.
650 points, ended August 31, 2007, 83 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Think by Carve In Technetium.
470 points, ended September 21, 2007, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
comments from the peanut gallery
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I see an old man
Tattered and torn
Asleep on the steps
Of a former bungalow
Surrounded by flies
And ferile cats
OMG
You made me see it too
Brilliant work
Thanks for Sharing
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I agree with Tweedle,
this does have a certain "crispness" - I rather like the descriptions and how you paid homage to little details such as gold cufflinks.
Well done!
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Ah...
I like this one, I like the 'crispness' of it...if you may. I also like how you said you took off your shades. It seems like the moment in which the opposite first see's. The attraction of opposites in general astounds me, in any situations.
So I liked that sense to it. And the wording was great, especially the line
"A crow pierces the silence
I pause"
And ferile cats. lol.
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The sense of description in this was very good, it was grimy and gritty and I got such a sense of imageary from it
I really loved the way of describing the things you see and the thoughs you have
It really worked and was raw and wonderful
The imageary was perfect, just amazing
Well done, good luck
Thanks for entering this -
good stuff. you describe well, imagery nice. Good luck!
jaff -
ooh- i like this. you've provided such vivid images for this reader. an excellent subject. i was gonna paste my favorite part, but i'd have to paste the whole thing. a thought provoking write, worthy of pondering. well done!!
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hmm this exceeded my expectations. I admit, I began to judge it without giving a chance.
but it kept my attention and was well-written -
this poem went in many different directions, i love it when a poem has that quality. it makes the poem seem like an intricate and eye-opening canvas, allowing you to really step back and take a good look at what you've said. But these words really made this poem shine and it really brought it together:
Such a humbling place
Like day and night
From the lap of luxury
I think to myself
This cannot be
this is a wonderful poem! great write!
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Excellent! This has so much depth and so much meaning within the lines that I don't know where to even begin to comment on this justly...
Know that I think it's an awesome write and you wrote it quite well!
Bravo!
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