She likes to call just as about to park
About to leave
About to change
That’s what he's about to her
A passing phase
A transient stage...
A stage, where she can act out her dreams
Or so it seems~
She'll act again when he's away
When he's unable
When she's not free
Don’t pin this one up on her,
"It's part of the set!"
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
He'd like to see her falling into this play
Falling into love
Falling into him
That’s what the audience is here for
For her to let it in
For it to all begin...
The journey where hero sets out to conquer
with princess felt so near~
He shall give her one beautiful ride following orders to park
...glances evaded...
NOT even a chance
She can't put it up against him,
"It's part of the second set!"
---;--'-,-"-<@
Against dimly lit backstage,
In between incompleted sets...
She trips,
He catches!
Her heart skips two beats
To miss his pace~
02-07-07
A contest entry
- Oh! The Irony by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended August 4, 2007, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Congrats - I love the irony in this, i felt it before I even saw the contest, and the presentation of the poem with it like a 'play' is perfect - a great poem
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Interesting. I'm not much for drama though. I like the last line of each stanza the best. It's there that the poem starts to coalesce into something. Thanks for entering, too.
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I like this very much! Best wishes!
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Thank you my Queen!
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---;--'-,-"-<@
The imagery in this is really great, and you appeal to a lot of emotion in the reader. Original and just poeticly beautiful! Great job! -
I liked your prompt... though I'm not sure about "out-writing you" lol... i do totally agree that you can't force out creativity... it usually will just hit you as life comes... anyhow, this one's my best shot~ thanx 4 the comment! <3 Alex
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Very emotinal. I liked this piece a lot. It does not really have much of a rhyme to it, which is what I asked for, but just because it doesn't really rhyme, that does not mean it is not a good piece. Thank you for entering my contest and best of luck.
Much love
Carrie
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She likes to call just as about to park
***Seems to be a word missing in this line.
A very original piece. I also like the style it is written in. Thanks very much for entering. -
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Does it? hmm yeah i suppose... gramatically incorrect here there & everywhere really lol lol
But honestly, I like it just as is! It's in the style I jot down important notes. Thanx a lot 4 the bronze Danna... appreciated^^
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Beautiful, Beautiful write!!
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Thank u so much 4 all the comments gurl... this one actually means the most to me now... i think~
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Thank u! As for the doodads I just figured that since it centers around a play, visual presentation ought to be of greater importance. But yeah, i get what you're saying because often times less is more for me too!
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Unusual write you have penned here - not sure if all the extra lines and doodads are needed in between the verses, but if it works for you, then it works for me. LOL
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"She likes to call just as about to park
About to leave"
I'm confused with that line,
It doesn't really make sense.
"He'd like to see her falling into this play
Falling into love
Falling into him"
Oh, I love that line.
"The journey where hero sets out to conquer
with princess felt so near~
He shall give her one beautiful ride following orders to park"
The first line in that I'm confused with the 'princess felt so near' part.
I think it's missing some words.
The second line I'm curious as to why you have the ~ thing.
The third lin I'm still confused on the whole 'ride' and 'park' thing.
I absolutely loved the ending.
Great job and keep writing! <3 -
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The first part's me being indecisive + afraid of commitment. This is something I've noticed about myself reflected through moments I actually work up the guts to call (him)... "when about to park" (my car) or "leave" a certain place (makes me feel safe-ish as I already have somewhere else to be or do just in case).
The part about the hero and princess... lol!! It was left missing words intentionally so that it may be interpreted in many ways. One of the things I wanted to say was that the "hero" wants it all... (gained through his conquest: land, girls, recognition etc.) as well as that special someone "felt so near" (in his mind, heart, bedroom? or wherever he can sort of "hold" her).
And hence, the "~" which I'll often use in order to leave the reader pondering... in this case over whether the fairy tale situation is in fact possible or correct for the real world. Sometimes I'll simply throw in a "~" as I think it looks pretty + might compensate for missing words... yeah lazy poet here...
Once again "ride": this time mentioned as a pleasant trip the two characters take together somewhere or also as a pun for ehem! As for "following orders to park"... like him pleasing her, doing things her way... being all sweet nice and respectful... BUT, despite it he still won't look into her eyes because 1. he dares not to insult her or invade her privacy (like she's royalty... a princess remember?) 2. he won't even allow for a chance that he or she might truly fall deep for each other (afraid of opening up only to get hurt in the end).
So gf! Hope that's made it somewhat clearer... now you know my love situation too (the little bit of it that I do have)... lol. No prob. though, I enjoyed analyzing it all out 4 ya nonetheless <3 <3 + tc!!
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Wonderful write, absolutly beautiful, love the setting and the mood you set, very vivid imagery and the flow was great too. especially liked the ending, strong and captures the moment perfectly. well done!!!! p.s. thanks for the comments on my work as well, much appreciated, -love ya... Jacen.
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^^ thank u thank u... <3 u too!
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Aww how sweet... "the last puzzle piece of your life..." We have a similar kinda saying in the Thai language too. But I personally also believe in the "synergy effect" like the 1+1= greater than 2 thing... Anyway, learning more about the wonders of sharing everyday! Thanx 4 dropping by a third time
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i like it. especially the last three stanzas. "against dimly lit backstage In between incompleted sets..." i like that one the best cuz my love always tells me that i complete him. i believe that no person is complete until they find their love then it's like placing the last puzzle piece of your life into place
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Thank you 4 appreciating it ^^ it's one that was hard to get right... because I wanted it to be accurate to what I'm feeling while at the same time not making it too obvious or uninteresting and also sticking to the theme
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Very nicely written, a great job of presentation and delivery. i enjoyed it from start to finish...Scott
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i like it
you have done a wonderful job painting a fabulous image with words. i can see part of a play unfloding right in my head as i read it. great write, good luck in the contest and thanks for entering. -
much clearer now thanx 4 taking the time to explain
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Lol lol... It belongs to the set is another way of me saying "it comes with the package"... like "that's just you" or "that's just me"... I was thinking "set" because of like a set on the stage, and the quest of this sort of hero character so set again? I know, it's not exactly the clearest of my poems! thanx though 4 the honest comment!
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confusing
i don't understand the "part of a set" thing you got going on... i probably don't understand the poem at all but that part really threw me for a loop... then again it is 4:30 in the morning and i should probably be in bed... yeah um if you feel like explaining it to me go ahead and if not... i'll sleep on it and maybe understand it a little more in the morning. have a good night
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