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The Distance of Bonds Unbreakable

 



 


     waterfalls cascade
     in the tumultuous race
     of many rivers...
     above the raging chaos
     delicate aspens stand strong

             root tendrils straining
             for a grip, a hope to rise
             from polluted earth
             to pure air and sunlit songs
             ...a chance for new beginnings

                     winds whipping branches
                     glinting silver among clouds
                     proudly prominent
                     yet echoing grace; dropping
                     warm leaves to shelter old homes

below stately boughs
roots ignore the charity...
if they creep through dirt
and wait, they may drink and bask
in the spray of waterfalls







Author notes

Started as a tanka (5/7/5/7/7 syllables), and I expanded it to a tanka chain, but my intention was to make it read like a freeverse.

*POY*
Theme: Rising up in the world, and what it means to those you leave behind (the roots).

*Please do not use my name in comments!*

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • Jim Berkheiser
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The clarity of you intent or theme was not clear to me until I read your author's note. I don't know if it was intended but the indentation of your second and third stanzas causes a cascasde and the return of the final stanza emphasizes the left behind part of your theme. You used ellipses (...) in three places where they aren't necessary or proper. The lack of clarity affected the impact for me. The title seems unrelated and unattached to the poem.

    Clarity: 9.0

    Structure: 10.0
    (rhyme & meter)
    (line breaks & structure)

    Grammar: 10.0

    Punctuation: 8.0

    Use of Language: 10.0

    Poetic Value: 10.0

    Uniqueness: 10.0

    Impact: 9.0

    Theme: 10.0

    Title: 7.0

    Total: 93.0


    • Catauthor
      January 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your comment and fair scoring. Yes, the indentation and structure was all very intentional. I'll look into those extra ellipses, and perhaps reconsider the title, though it is meaningful to me and I think it relates to the bond to one's roots. Anyway, thank you so much for judging and all of your work in the POY, and I hope to be scored by you again sometime.


  • trista gold member
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Yes

    Nice use of white space within your poem for a great visual appeal on top of the quality writing.

    Good luck and best wishes,
    ~J.


    • Catauthor
      January 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      trista,
      Thank you so much for scoring my poems, in all of the PO* contests. Happy 2008, and I hope to see you around AP!


  • ZachP silver member
    January 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Yes~

    Love the design of this piece, as well as the lovely imagery and thought.


    • Catauthor
      January 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your comment and scoring. I'm glad that you liked my poem! Happy New Year!

  • Jim Berkheiser
    January 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Yes

    Good luck.


  • Arkbear gold member
    January 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Yes ~

    Lots of Imagery and gentle Personification has placed this entry into one of my favorite top few writes for this POY contest ~

    ...good luck,

     

    Bear ~


    • Catauthor
      January 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much, Bear, for scoring my poems and commenting, and for all of the work that you do in all of the PO* contests. I can't wait to see you again in the 2008 contests! Best of luck with your new poetry site, and have a wonderful new year!


  • Horseartist7
    August 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Cool I haven't read a tanka before. Great job, sis! I like the last line best about the aspens.


  • Candy6
    July 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    exquiste


  • Lively Matter
    July 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    ooh, very nice! Awesome imagery and brilliant words... I especially like the ending... it really makes the poem one to read over and over again


  • Samplette gold member
    July 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is great, and the imagery is beautiful. A wonderful piece of poetry. Thank you for entering the contest.
    Sam


  • bethan-gaze
    July 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    How exquisite ... the imagery is stunning and the background so very complimentary.

  • -lk-
    July 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent!

    Oh! What a beautifully written tanka! The images described are stunning. I especially enjoyed the ending line and the strong visual it leaves the reader.

    A perfect entry for the contest and sure to place well

1 - 15 of 15