My Nightmare in Dream's Clothing

HOW did this HAPPEN?!
I never thought I would be one of the girls
to actually, ACTUALLY fall in love with..
A superstar. I can't believe I said it
I can't believe it's happened
But my dreams tell no lies
(Why not?)
And now I feel sick
Sick to my stomach because
I know, I KNOW that nothing can ever happen
I mean, he's a superstar, and I'm.. (I'm what?)
A fifteen year old girl from Kentucky with some crazy
Obsession. Just another Mindless screaming fan.
Another Mindless Mindfreak
Why did I have to go and do it?
I thought I was different than those superficial ninnies
who says 'I love you' to any guy, no matter if they do
love them or not.
I still can't.
I can't even if I do.
Not even in my mind, I can't imagine
Ever telling them 'I love you'
And it's not in my mind, or because he's hot
(O lord, I hope that's it though!)
I mean, when did my goal in life become
[[(Hug Criss Angel)]]?
See Criss Angel?
I'm pathetic
My first time actually falling in love
(Please, no!)
I say so because it doesn't feel
like any of the other crushes I've ever had
It's with someone that no matter how much courage I have,
Or how many people tell me to 'Go for it!' it will never be
Because he's a superstar, and I'm... a ninnie.
My heart races at the site
and my mind aches with delight
at the complexities of him, of his trade
And it's like a feather inside my mind, tickling me with the thought
He can get [into my {mind] (freak)}
I know he's an illusionist
And he thrives on lies, or false truths
But that's never mattered to me. As long as..
As long as I can have them.. that sounds so selfish.
I had a dream that I met him at the Luxor in Vegas
and I think that was the happiest I've ever been
in my life. God, I'm such a fool!
But it was so.. incredible.
The thought that I could be with the man I love,
And be the only one to do it.
Even now the remnants of said dream
(and the reason I have come to this conclusion)
Cling to my heart and soul, tickling lick some downy soft feathers
Of some Guardian Angel, who watched over me while I slept.
But it wasn't just any angel, no, It was him, Mr. Angel
Criss, my angel.
Yeah, right. Suure it was him.
Because out of all of his millions of fans
I'm the one he loves, he watches over.
Because I'm special like that.
And even now, the thought IS appealing.
Of course it is. And even now I can almost feel
his arms, encircling me in a comforting embrace.
But it is a lie. An illusion of my own mind.
Trying to help me, help me perhaps
not feel so incredibly lonely
So incredibly alone.
Without my Angel.
Without my love.
...Criss...
And now I can't look at his picture
(so lovely!)
Without a jolt of electricity poked into my ribs
As if to make this burden in my chest flutter back to life
(As if it had somehow died of months of in-use)
And even now his face haunts me, the dream
Haunts me. As some devil is trying to
Make me sell my soul.
For my angel.
And I would do it,
If my soul wasn't already his,
the angel of my nightmare; To be in love,
With someone who might as well be
A fictional character, or
his majesty.
Not real.
Not capable of love,
Or atleast, of not loving me.
Not capable of being held, or atleast
Not capable of being held.. by me.
Just another screaming fan.
A fifteen year old ninnie.
A mindless mindfreak.
Not real.
To him.