In dungeons dreary, dark and deep, where callous creatures choose to keep
Souls enslaved from which they reap with jagged tooth and claw
The blood and sweat and lust for life, for them, essential to survive
Took with bloodied age-old knives, each time more bloodied than before
And with each spirit new they’d take
One more must come to compensate
An age old myth in hallowed lore, gone by from sacred days of yore
But not a myth though, so much more, as the souls of those they ate
Know oh too well, the story true, of persons mercilessly slew
Burdened, beaten, black and blue, unable to escape
And with each heart that came and went
Another life had to be spent
Worse than death, their dreadful fate, as, into limbo they are placed
Where futile deeds fill drawn out days, in, an eternity of torment
Their lives; pointless, except to feed, the creature’s never ending need
That more than borders on gruesome greed, a sin they won’t repent
Hung, drawn and quartered mentally
Left; shells of who they used to be
And so constantly they're condemned to lose fragile minds to mayhem
Until, one dreadful day comes, when, they lose such sanity
Their bodies change and so do they, to a predator, what once was prey
As they stalk and slash and cause dismay, brutal and bloodthirsty
And to their horror, realise
They are just creatures of the night
In a sick’ning twist of irony, they become slaves t’ eternity
Who have to kill cold-bloodedly, their hunger never satisfied
Fresh-faced souls do come and go, unable to escape their foe
Who really not so long ago, could neither flee a fate alike
Soon enough those souls succumb
To a process which can’t be undone
So underground, out of sight, grew a colony of evil might
That in turn meant, that more souls died in this decreasing cavern
With each new mind they chose to kill, hunger heightened against their will
And they took more to get their fill, while conditions worsened
Grows this species, of darkness
But as they do, the souls get less
In their cold, chaotic chasm, now almost filled up to the brim
With creatures frightfully fearsome, the souls start to get scarce
Before long, they are all gone, and with nothing left to feed on
Not a single, sad, succulent one for the creatures to digest
Very much numbered are their days
And slowly but surely they fade away
Now not even one creature left in this tale of a race regressed
But here’s where lies the vital twist: they didn't all die and decay -
Going “cold turkey” on the souls, some returned from freezing cold
To warm, good-hearted humans whole, after being led far astray
The wayward ones who lacked good hearts
Died defiantly, trapped in the dark
"Thank God" these gracious people prayed, "These cruel creatures have been slain"
But shortly this turned to dismay, as so called myths and yarns
Floated back from bleak rumours passed, of bad men on the beaten track
Searching for secrets that they lacked, the secret – to death, outsmart
For eternal youth they were on a quest
So they’d never have to draw last breaths
Blinded by power it did impart, the secret broke these men in half
A secret so strong it crushed their hearts, but they had conquered death
With it a cannibalistic craving came, to hunt and kill, murder, mame
To eat and eat and eat their prey, again they were condemned
(Condamned is closer), they were beaten
By death, which can't be defeated
The colony grew once again, like a circle - without an end
Their fate inflicted by only them and the cycle is repeated
Each time evil got too much, great and good would come and such
Would work until bad men’s guts got too fat and greedy
Cold-hearted evil would return
Into their monstrous, vast cavern
So in future do be wary, of dungeons deep, dark and dreary,
Where souls are kept weak and weary, I say, do not stay and mourn
If you find yourself in this place, hidden from ghastly creature’s gaze
Do try quietly to make haste, my only advice is: RUN!
Faster than ever, you have before
To get away from their teeth and claws
Author notes
I have spent many days on this, writings stanzas, rewriting stanzas, adding more alliteration, changing the syllable count and hopefully getting to a decent final product that I am mildly happy with (believe me, mildly happy with one of my own poems is a good thing!) So I really want to know, is this good? Or is it really pretentious and forced, it sounds stupid to say I tried not to use forced rhymes, but whenever I thought of one, I went back and made sure several times there was not a better one...man, this poem means a lot to me. In fact I started with only the first line and wasn't going to go anywhere with it but then I read Edgar Allen Poe's, The Raven and it inspired me to steal (partially) the rhyme scheme and give it a story. Please tell me this is good, or I will know I have wasted this past week of my life (well whenever I could get on the computer anyway!)
Am I pretending to myself that it is good, so the pointlessness of it doesn't hit me in the face? I'm starting to have doubts about whether it is actually any good or not. Humph!
By the way the rhyme scheme goes
a, a
a, b
c, c
c, b
d
d
b, b
b, d
e, e
e, d
f
f
d, d
d, f
g, g
g, f
h
h
etc etc, Where the end rhyme on the second line becomes the first rhyme of the next stanza, and the couplet at the end becomes the rhyme for the last rhyme on the second line of the next stanza. If that makes any sense. I doubt it o.o
Oh and even more by the way, although this story is mainly about a race of creatures, I wanted to compare it to everyday life...so basically
At the start there is good, bad and evil
The evil eats (literally) the good and turns them evil, though they cannot eat the bad
The evil eventually eat all the good, so there is just evil and bad in the world, but because they have nothing to eat, the evil die.
This means goodness can start making a comeback and with no evil creatures, they start to flourish.
But some of the bad people believe this is wrong and turn evil and so the cycle continues. What do you think eh?
W&K Option 1
Option 1: no option cos I'm too cool (ha! I wish), I just thought you might like this, good luck with your contest x
Option 1 - Dark but elegant
Sorry - I tried to do the symbol but it didn't work...
Option 7 - best prewrite
Lies
An Ode to Poe's "The Raven" I suppose, that is dark and mysterious
User name: She Has My Heart
Option 7 - Edgar Allen Poe inspired
In a list
- VIII. Trophies I: Honourable Mentions • next in list
- VIII. Trophies II: Bronze • next in list
- VIII. Trophies III: Silver • next in list
- VIII. Trophies IV: Gold • next in list
- III. Dark • next in list
- VI. My Favourites • next in list
- ღ Favourites of my Favourites • next in list
A contest entry
- Predators and Prey by Melodies.
475 points, ended July 6, 2007, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do You Deserve To Be On My Favourites? by Allure of a Rose.
950 points, ended July 22, 2007, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♥ Let Your Darker Side Give In ♥ by vampireblood.
400 points, ended July 6, 2007, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ROUND 1 Contest ~ Anything goes ~ Points in final round 1950! by Florida Sunshine.
525 points, ended July 20, 2007, 48 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options for the best and the better by Pixie Girl.
600 points, ended July 30, 2007, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do you deserve this? by Never Fall in Love.
850 points, ended August 14, 2007, 60 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Mythical creautres from tales of old, new, and lost. by HopeWithWings.
450 points, ended October 3, 2007, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Quoth the Raven? by Bitter Irony.
400 points, ended November 21, 2007, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 14 to 18 ages enter your best prewrite Judged by RedwingSpirit.
700 points, ended January 7, 2008, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your absolute BEST! IMPRESS ME! by AlwaysbeBIG.
525 points, ended January 25, 2008, 30 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Nevermore! by GossamerAlice.
850 points, ended February 2, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your best, most beloved write by Austere.
2300 points, ended February 10, 2008, 33 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 79 of 79
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I'd say no. ;)
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I see I already read your piece.
So I'll just wish you luck again
Loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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the entire time i was reading i was thinking to myself ..this reminds me of Poe ..poem... lol...great job awesome imagery this is my fav part "Until, one dreadful day comes, when, they lose such sanity
Their bodies change and so do they, to a predator, what once was prey" thanks for entering
completely mad -
Well you would have probably won the contest in imagery, alliteration, assonance etc. but originality was key as I had said. Great write nonetheless.
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WoW that was a whole lot of reading LoL
But well worth it.
You sure won a lot of trophies for this piece.
That should tell you just how good it is.
You put so much into this piece of poetry and also your note.
Thanks for entering and good luck.
loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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This is a wonderful poem... I think I recall reading it before, and it has just as much impact the second time around - it keeps a strong grip on the reader and I can certainly see why you won all those trophies
it is long, like other people have said - but it just makes the story more in-depth and stunning
Keep writing
Polly
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This is your 100th?
And you are so much more whorier than me
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Yeah, I didn't realise, just found it counting backwards
And yeah I am, at least you work for yours, I just don't bother -
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awesome
totally love it but I don't have a long anofe attention span to read it all.lol.
your very talinted
great write -
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Haha ok
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Wow this is long. I can tell you've put a LOT of effort into perfecting this and it seems like its already paid off in many contests before mine. Very well done. Thank you for entering my contest.
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Wow, this is really long! LOL Your words give me chills, and with that background, I would hate to end up there.
What an impressive, dark write. Talented.
You definitely put a lot of thought and effort into this, and it turned out great!
Thanks for sharing & entering my contest A N Y T H I N G ~ G O E S ! Good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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This is a good write, one or 2 lines were slightly off flow and although many of the iambs are in place, there are a few trochees missed. But this is original and from experience, I know how very hard this mustve been to write. I wrote one a few days ago titled "The Mockingbird" and it drained me entirely. So respect where respect is due, not many can do this and pull it off with a write that stands on its own merit. Well done and thanks for sharing. La x
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Embarrassed to admit that I do not know what a trochee is but imagine it's a type of meter? Thanks for your comment and for being able to appreciate how hard this was for me to write!!! Take care x
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trophy whore.
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Can't say you don't do it what brings you here anyway?
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Well, I was talking to Laura [above comment] and she said Mockingbird was he hardest write. So I read it and it was Poe. And so I came here and gave her the link to show that my little bro can do good stuff as well
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As much as I really liked this I must say I am kinda on happy about this. Which option did you use? and Why would you addt his to another contest when you already won serveral titles already. I would like you to give me another piece if you dont mind
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Vampires/werewolves/anything like that.
Why should I not win as many trophies as I can with it? Just because an Olympian wins a gold medal doesn't mean they quit and say "fine, everyone knows I can win, I'll let someone else do it now". It also means more people read it if I have it in more than one contest. Nowhere in your rules (when I added the poem, I just checked, you've written it now which is fair enough) did you say no poems with trophies/in other contests so I don't think you're really in the right place to be telling me I shouldn't have entered. I'm glad you liked it and I will remove it and find something else, but maybe you should think ahead next time.
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Holy Holy Holy god... this is positively amazing! Everything about this is perfect! The rhyme, the meter, the scheme, the usage of poetic tools, even the very words you used! I'm left, not speechless, but thoughtless! I can't get the rhythm of your poem out of my mind long enough to put some kind of befitting comment in here. Great job! (and that's an understatement)
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Aww really...thank you so much, that means a lot, I'm glad you liked it xxx
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Awesome...
This is amazing. I love it.
"Blinded by power it did impart, the secret broke these men in half
A secret so strong it crushed their hearts, but they had conquered death
With it a cannibalistic craving came, to hunt and kill, murder, mame
To eat and eat and eat their prey, again they were condemned
(Condamned is closer), they were beaten
By death, which can't be defeated"
Might be my favorite stanza, but I don't know if I can say for sure...The whole thing is amazing
Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck
Brandon -
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I am glad you like it!
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Wow this is awesome great use of the form Congratulations on all the trophies I wish you the best of luck in my contest
RedwingSpirit -
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Thank you! x
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A long and complex narrative that reminds us of the origins of poetry--storytelling. The rhythms, movement, and images demonstrate your commitment to the piece. Congratulations.
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Thank you very much for your comment and applause!
Take care x
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Nice story here--I agree with ecrivain01, it is a bit reminiscient of The Time Machine. The rhyme was also nice, flowing and unforced.
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
~Bitter Irony -
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Thanks
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Hmmmmm ...
This is not bad, but I don't see how it's relevant to THIS contest.
It actually reminds me of "The Time Machine", specifically the Morlocks. If you haven't read that, of course, the meaning will escape you, but this seems like a science fiction poem, and there are some really good lines in this. However, I am DQ'ing it simply because it doesn't fit what I am looking for here.
I have to congratulate you on the time and effort it obviously took to write this.
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Very well written, excellent tale. Long (as it should be) and has a great "old" feel about it, again, as it should be.
As an aside, once again reading some comments I utterly despair of some people. Some people forget what the origins of poetry are and all this propensity towards something short, vacuous that holds no thought or attention for the reader is really starting to grate. Now, I write short pieces as much as the next guy, but this long-form "hate" is really starting to get over the top.
Sorry to rant in a comment on your piece, but once again, it is a great piece like this that highlights this problem. It's about time some people dropped the arrogance, gained more than a two second attention span and stopped being lazy bastards (pardon my French).
However, I digress (and sorry for the long comment and rant, but pieces like this do not deserve that kind of crap thrown at them by braincell starved idiocy).
Great write and congrats on bronze.
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OMG!!!
This is nothing less than incredible writing. Congratulations on all the well-deserved trophies! You are one of the best poets/writers I have ever read.....period. If I reach this level that you write at in the next thirty years, I will be thrilled. I can't single out any one stanza that I like the most. Each one is jam-packed with amazing form, vocabulary, rhyme, alliteration, rhythm, fluidity, imagery..............
In their cold, chaotic chasm, now almost filled up to the brim
With creatures frightfully fearsome, the souls start to get scarce
Before long, they are all gone, and with nothing left to feed on
Not a single, sad, succulent one for the creatures to digest
Very much numbered are their days
And slowly but surely they fade away
I can definitely tell you are a reader of Edgar Allen Poe. I have to say that this poem is a masterpiece. Are you sure you are not Edgar Allen Poe...reincarnated?
Knight70 I wish I could give this way more than 3 applauses.
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At the start there is good, bad and evil
The evil eats (literally) the good and turns them evil, though they cannot eat the bad
The evil eventually eat all the good, so there is just evil and bad in the world, but because they have nothing to eat, the evil die.
This means goodness can start making a comeback and with no evil creatures, they start to flourish.
But some of the bad people believe this is wrong and turn evil and so the cycle continues. What do you think eh?
This is absolutly brilliant and completely worthy of being read as a night time halloween tradition!
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This is fabulous. I found it gripping reading from start to finish. The metaphor to life is very clever and well thought out.
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Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it x take care x
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Normally, reading something this long would put me off. Though, I took my time in reading this, as I would a story, and found this to be an exceptional write. Dark it is, which I like. Good long write and good luck.
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It's one of the longest and the best poems I've read. The rhymes are clever.
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Exceptional
Wow, I can see why this remarkable Poe-like poem won so much cyber hardware. You really put tremendous thought and time and effort into this fabulous poem, and deserve a great round of applause.
David Michaels
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Your time was definitely not wasted. I think this poem is wonderful! Very interesting and very imaginative. I absolutely enjoyed reading it. You should be proud. Thank you for the entry and good luck in my contest.
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Your time was well spent, It took a two gos to get through this, simply for the fact i didn't expect such a long poem, but one I established a flow in my mind, this just rocked so hard!!!
good write
thanks for entering my contest -
Oh my. this is quite the masterpiece you have worked up! very well done! good luck in the contest!
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RAWR love it
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very good.
thanks for entering.
good luck =] -
In my opinion, I think it is a bit too much violence for me. Im just being honest but it was still good. I like the imagery in this. Bravo! Best wishes to you in the contest!
Jackie ♥ -
Well-written beginnings. I couldn't read fully. Very ling to keep interest.
very well-written. Thanxx for entering my contest. Good luck.
Luv,
Candy
Contest Holder
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Wow. This is absolutly great. I loved the edgar allen poe feel to this. It's amazing, I sincerly don't know what to say. It seemed very dark, but they're almost was a lighter side to it aswell and This is great, you have a great gift for this kind of writing, Good luck!♣♠
andii -
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Thank yoo very much indeed, I'm glad you liked it! That lighter side, will probably my undying sarcasm lol. Have fun with your contest x take care x
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I'm seriously almost speechless by this...it was truly amazing and the exact type of poetry that I love to read. I could definitely see where Poe's "The Raven" came in to this piece. The dark mood and beginning rhyme scheme reflects that of some of his best works.
What I liked best about this was your message, mostly because it's a theme that people stay away from. So many poems deal with good overcoming evil, but this poem is telling me that good and evil will always exist as balanced forces..there is no destroying either. And as much as people hate to face it, this is the truth...good can never completely defeat evil, or there would be nothing to fight against, right?
Anyway, this is AMAZING and every stanza flows perfectly into the next. It takes a really talented poet to do that, so great work!!! I'll definitely be back later to look at some more of your poems.
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i liked tis alot...the style and the ryhme and the emotion...good luck...
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I think this is really good. I liked your writing style and form in this. This is a very interesting write indeed. Thank you for entering and the best of luck in my contest.
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I enjoyed this, you really deserved all the trophies you've won with it. The only thing I don't like is the last stanza, it is good, but it is not as great as the rest of the poem. Thank you for entering, and good luck to you.
Chelsea
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Your poem has been eliminated from the contest.
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This isn't bad, but I don't think this will win, so I'm going to remove this from the contest. [I have 100 entries.. it's easier to stay organized by doing this] Thanks for entering though.
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the rhyme here is very impressive, it could be better in a few places such as "and so constantly they're condemned to lose fragile minds to mayhem". i'm not a fan of long lines but you pulled it off well. the story itself is well told and creative, my favorite stanza is the one beginning with "now not even one creature left in this tale..." it's a sort of turning point in the story where you don't know who is going to be triumphant. the one part i felt was off was the last stanza- it seemed to contrast the story and give a lesson, as if you were talking to children, rather than finishing with the ending of the story. other than that, a good read. thanks for the entry
cassidy -
the trophies you have received are well place for this poem is great and thr flow is woderful, i love the story you have painted with your words
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this is quite long and such a tale, but the moral is very creative. your time spent is duely noted and recognized. maybe one day they will create a movie or you will actually write a story line based on this for children or people who like to read this kind of theme, and make a best seller out of it. i think it has great potential.
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oooooo
Do I see a rainbow above me? -
OMG, I finally get to read the finished version
Babea, the first time you showed it to me, I knew it was gonna do extremely well because a LOT of effort has to be put into this.
This is definately one of the hardest poems I've ever seen put together!
Everything about this is spendid..
The flow was caught as soon as the first verse was read
and I am absolutely in LOVE with your vocabulary...
If I could come up with all those words, I'd be the happiest person alive. lol, but seriously.
You really gave this poem a fairytale tone which added even more to the poem (Plus a british accent which I always loved! )
This part:
"To eat and eat and eat their prey, again they were condemned
(Condamned is closer), they were beaten"
I loved it, a bit too much maybe
as I said, this is absolutely BRILLIANT!!!
Love ya bro ♥
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Aww your comments do make me smile
I am absolutely positively certain that you could come up with every single word in this piece! (Plus a thesaurus really, really, really helped me lol). Thanks again x take care x loves ^^ x
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wow!! i'm amazed by this poem,! great imagery &7&& iloved it! <3 great job. I loved this one
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this was wonderful and much better from the usual. I love that there is a story and not just the emotion of hatred or ect... Good luck!
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Clearly you can see the work that went into this write~ I think its a lovely write! nice job!
Thanks for entering my contest~ good luck to you! -
Great poem! Thank You for entering and good luck!I will be considering your poem during judging!
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its very good
i havent seen a poem thi long and this detailed since i read my Edgar Allen Poe book actually ... i love the deataild you put into it, it was very creep, but creepy is good. its like you created your our myth. ive really never read anything quite like it. great work, thanks for entering and good luck!
Kelcey -
Oh, yes, this is GOOD and Yea... EXCELLENT!
Your brain sparked a miracle here! This poetic tale reminds me of the story of the Nephites and Lamanites, a civilization that lived in the Western Hemisphere 600 years before Christ. They were in constant battle and at first the Nephites were righteous but then, in time... they became wealthy and then evil and the things you describe sound like the life they adopted. 
Extremely fine work, poet! 
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This was really good. It did remind me of something Poe would write =]. It flowed very nicely as well. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
~~~Vampy~~~ -
Time well spent!, I think Poe would be proud. Though long, it captures the reader's attention, and the rhythmic flow makes it easy to follow to the end. I had already made the relation to life before I read your author notes. Great job, and well deserving of award...Good Luck
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Whoa. Well, that was certainly an expansive and creative undertaking on your part.
I am very glad you brought it to my contest. =]
This is very impressive and well thought out.
The rhyme carried it on throughout its length gracefully.
I love the humour mixed in amongst the darkness.
Overall I'd say... 11 out of ten?
-Allura
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To me it describes the world we live in today. One can tell you have put a great deal of thought into this write. Very complex in nature of your form. Good and evil theme is very well done. The images are well done. What really sad most of our fairy tales are really political statements made in secret. I feel you have done very well with your write.
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Well worth the hard work!
Very, very good, a good tale and put together very well. I was into the swing of the rhyme at once, did not get bored with the length, I always thought the end would be difficult, but it finished well. Good luck to you in the contest. U.F.I.
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Thank you very much! Glad you got into the flow of it, most of my poems flow well in my head but when people read them they tend to disagree! I'm glad you didn't get bored either! Thanks for the awesome comment and applause hurrah to England in the cricket! xxx
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very well engineered
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Long? Maybe
Profound? I think so
Effective? Definitely
I love it because, though it is a little mythical and has got a Poe feel, it's quite true to life.
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Hehe thanks for that comment it means a lot cos that was what I was trying to aim for! Your comments are always appreciated ^^ though I am afraid, now I must depart, as my sister requires her laptop back! Seeyou dude! xx
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An Excellent Poem !!
I really enjoyed this and I think its an exceptionally good poem. Really well written xx -
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Thank you lots and lots ^^ x take care x
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I really like this. I can tell you spent a lot of time on this it is nicely written best of luck to you xxxxx
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Thank you very much for your comment and applause. To be honest I'm so glad you liked it, if no one likes it I might as well go jump off a bridge! Take care x thanks again x
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