The music sadistically pulsed louder
As I tried desperately to lose my self in the ebb.
The loud strings and screaming lungs fought a brave fight,
But the sounds of dancing fists prevailed,
A sweet waltz on the grave of her son
Wearing sharpened stilettos.
For a second, there’s release, as the song hits a climax.
I forget all that has happened and all that is gone.
Lost like a drunk man in a sea of rhythm,
Condensing tears on olive skin…
Snap back, like a cold steely knife on warm bodies,
The climax over, the song at an end.
Yet again -
Our hallway acts, as a highway,
For the shrieks of anguish and cries of pain
That leaves me so numb.
Track 3 starts so slow,
So soft,
And the silence deafens me.
"Crack" speaks my door, as its hinges often do.
I really should get that looked at,
It’s always awakening sleeping children.
But it acts as a good alarm, to keep the intruders out,
In the cold, where they belong,
Where they fight.
The door swings open, and there she is.
Swaying with drunkenness.
Oh, she wanted to talk and I send her away
Into the weather, as cold as her gaze.
I couldn’t handle her,
I never can.
So now she’s gone, and I don’t know where.
He’s gone looking for her,
Riding his broken heart into the rain.
And I sit,
I wait,
For it all to happen again.
Author notes
The lady in this poem constantly tips me over the edge.
I will mention no names.
A contest entry
- Infinite, 10,000 points. by InfiniteCaitlin.
12000 points, ended July 2, 2007, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - No Rules by J L Whalen.
550 points, ended July 31, 2007, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I like the narrative, but I think it tries too hard and ends up telling too much without really showing. I like your use of metaphor and similie but they're set up pretentiously...like 'ta da!'
It has a nice flow, and I think you wrapped it up well. thanks for entering your boom box -
Yeah... I think this is a good poem, but too personal probably if there is such a thing...
so I get the impression you are implying that you go out, she gets drunk and acts like a tosser?
It was a bit OTT for me.... and not direct enough!...but the poetic devices, vocabulary and grammar were immaculate....
the problem I have is that I wanted to FEEL more, I felt the poem progressed like it should....but never really blossomed!
sorry
Thanks for entering
James -
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Thanks
Thanks heaps for the comment man, appreciate you taking the time to actually read it and analyse it.
Also appreciate the critisism, will only make me a stronger writter.
Goodluck in judging and congratulations to the winner!
Trento -
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thanks... I do try and be honest
I think I have my work cut out... I have a lot of poems to read and review... and I like to leave decent comments on all
thanks again for entering! -
by the way
the poems about my mum haha -
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why did you remove your poem from the contest! I was probably gna give it an honorable mention!
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interesting
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Thanks for entering... I will give a detailed review prior to announcing the results
cheers
James
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ohhh. I love this.
This is a great write, it had length but no over kill. OYu had great grammer, sod otn worry about it. This poem just had an amzing feeling in it. Very infinite. I dont know why you hace no confidence in it, becuase I think this is a great piece! amazing job, wiht great imagret and flow. Love it =DD -
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Thanks heaps!
Appreciate the feedback. Some times i get a little bit iffy about a poem until i get some feedback on it.
Thanks alot!
Trento
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