So many human souls are lost in thought
Attached to their opinions and beliefs
Yet very little peace their quest has brought
For human minds are most ingenious thieves
The power-thirsty mind will use control
A tyrant in most masterful disguise
Seducing recognition-seeking soul
Through sugar-candy, cotton-fluffy lies
The flower grown from thought’s illusive seed
Entrusted to the phantom of the mind
Will bear deception’s fruit with breathless speed
When searching for mind’s source, it’s void we find
Observe the thoughts and watch them fade to naught
Become a master – not a slave – of thought
Author notes
watch the video :
http://s247.photobucket.com/albums/gg123/poetmaa/?action=view¤t=flowersofvacuity.flv
my constantly updated video-poetry :
http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/3791503
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In a list
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Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I listened to your video. A brilliant metaphor for those, much like the father of my children, who espouses the truth, believes his own lies, and is poison to himself. You really dig deep into the simplest of messages, and bring your thoughts to life. They are very real to me. I felt your healing ways, while listening to you read your poem. Thank you for a beautiful wake-up morning! My day has just started on a wonderful note!
Love, Shana
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Flawless meter! The only sticky place in my opinion is the 4th line of the the 3rd stanza, but that's because my tongue trips over the repeated "s" sounds. No need to edit anything, however. Your imagery is vivid and very thought-provoking, and the sonnets message is very true: too many people act on thoughts, either their own or someone else's, without first studying their validity, and up hopelessly deceived, often with tragic consequences. Thanks so much for entering my contest!
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Your couplet is wonderful, a great thought to take away, and a good summation of the quatrains before. The metaphor of flowers, fruits and seeds in the third quatrain is excellent, and a true parallel. Well done, dear.
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Masterful
This is a wonderful sonnet. Another archetypal example of a well written sonnet. We have three quatrains, each a separate movement, exploring a different aspect of the question posed by the poem, presenting a cohesive idea, then a nice turn in the final couplet.
Your mastery of iambic meter is clear (as is your rhyme scheme). The flow of this sonnet is smooth- the reader finishes before deciding whether or not to read the poem.
I love the imagery - sugar-candy, cotton-fluffy lies.
The flower grown...will bear deception's fruit. Vividly realized. Very nice.
The only lines that give me a little (very little) trouble are the first and second.
The first line is a little twisty with the grammar. I believe what you're saying is "All beings must obey karmic laws." We all have karmic laws we must obey, or The world has karmic laws we must obey; something like that, perhaps?
The second line is a little off in the meter, with a spondee at the start of the line "PROUD CHRIStian BUDDhist MUSlin SIKH or JEW." If it were further along in the poem, it would slide right by, but at the start it's a little jarring (but only a little, and I wouldn't change it unless you can sincerely come up with something you feel works better - otherwise, I would leave it as is).
This is a marvelous piece of work. Thank you for entering this for me to read.
-Epistomolus -
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thank you so much for your constructive comment ...
I have taken your suggestions into consideration and have changed the first two lines ...
please have another peak, if you wish ...
maa -
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Now I'm going to get myself in trouble. You fixed the second line, which is just fine, now. But the first line reads awkwardly to me, and I can't think of a fix that will keep "obey" at the end of the line. If I were to work on that, I would rework lines one and three.
But at this point, I may be forcing you to overwork your poem, which I don't want to do.
Other than that one line, I think this poem is a complete success.
My advice would be to put this poem out of your mind until, say, Sunday, then look at the first stanza again. If you're happy with it, leave it alone. Otherwise, I think a little more effort would tie this poem up in a perfect little package.
-Epistomolus -
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I have deleted and rewritten the whole first stanza ... I actually like it better now ... please don't hesitate to share your impressions with me ...
maa -
dear epistomolus,
I very much appreciate your feedback ...
praise and blame are equally welcome
since I entered this contest to receive constructive criticism, and you have the gift of offering it with elegance and kindness, I feel motivated to work on my poem until it sounds decent ...
thank you again for your time and efforts,
maa
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