I honestly don't know how to describe it,
you, who I have not seen in 6 years,
now a full and most beautiful lady,
and your sister, who rivals you greatly.
Your piece was my charge,
to see that all went as planned,
but I could not foresee,
just how much it, you, would steal me.
Ahhh, I want to write, I want to release this,
it's love, but not in a lustful way,
you two have just, intoxicated me,
I want more, I want to hear you sing once more.
Please, for the love of god,
don't let these memories,
of sparkling eyes and angelic voices,
ever part from my mind.
You'll probably never know this,
but you both have touched me deep,
deeper than most of your spectators,
who do not love you, as i now do.
Play for me once more.
Author notes
Raven contest code: 2007RC072.
A contest entry
- The Raven Contest: Uncovering Genius in the Written Word by Raven Contest.
14500 points, ended October 1, 2007, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Save Me! (My Favorites ONLY!) by Celticmoon.
700 points, ended February 29, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 64 of 64
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very nicely written, this poem bursts with passion and longing. i like the unrestrained style it is written in, which matches the content very well.
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Beautiful piece Phil. I love it!
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Fickle, fickle, fickle.
I listening to a rap about tator tots right now as I read this. Interesting match up. I prefer what I'm reading to what I'm listening to. I'm sure you're proud.
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To love is grand but to love two sisters is like playing with fire, or so it could be
Nonetheless, your expression of such love is tender to the heart and soul and easily felt and seen throughout. One could not deny the softness of your thoughts to take care in your expression of this love for both.
Thank you for entering.
Best of luck to you!
Blessings
Bel
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A lovely piece.
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Very nice indeed
Yes some people and the beauty they portray out does everyone around them . A glow about them that touches your soul and in doing so is a memory as gift wrapped in gold -
See I had commented on this in early July so sorry for clicking on this again. Need to be a way to remember the names of poems featured before, or in other reading groups where we often get them before or after they are featured.
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This is surprising in its content, perhaps happening more often than we ever know. Children grow so quickly and they bring beauty to us in so many ways. Well done.
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there's a winsome feel to your words... or do i mean wistful?
maybe both with wistful stronger. it could be obsession or deep admiration. solid write
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This is great Phil, really amazing. Good luck in the Raven Contest, I am sure you'll do well. (It's late where I live, my brain is working enough to write a meaningful comment.
) 
Chelsea
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I am going to refer this entry to the Raven REO account to get their ruling on whether it is prose or poetry. I suspect it is the later but it is close enough where I want to make sure the entry is permissable.
Beyond that rules-related issue I can say that I very much enjoyed reading about this... obsession (if that word fits). While we can not be completely sure regarding your exact relationship with those of whom you write, we can very easily understand your unending dedication to a song (likely metaphorical in nature) that has come to define, in a very real way, your sense of purpose and self. Despite the time you have spent discussing the finer points of these others, we are left with a greater understanding of who you are, or at least, who you consider yourself to be.
There is, of course, a danger to be found wherever we are confronted with a self-examination done by reflection. We can just never be sure if the surface that is doing the reflecting is genuine or artificial. Put differently, our own bias can come into play when we try to understand our role through another's eyes.
Definitely a thinking piece in any case. Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
I like the title to this write. I think it about how much a song can touch a person soul. Bring up raw feelings that no can feel but the person who experiences them. Music calms the savage beast in us all. It takes us away to another world of feelings. It brings out feelings that we may of not felt for awhile. One can tell it was wrote from a moment in time that touch the writer deeply. The love of a song helps define a part of us we keep out of the view from others. Very well done. I wish you the best in this contest.
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This poem displays raw emotion and whether or not it is a write gained from personal experience or not, the emotion can not be missed or dismissed at all. The first line “I honestly don't know how to describe it” is one I think we can all relate to as love is one of the most difficult feelings to describe. The first line of the second stanza and the concluding line appear to indicate that this love is felt for musicians who, during the course of working together, have touched the heart of the author through their talent. I feel he loves them for their talent in what they do rather than a love of who they are, though that may also be possible.
I’d like to suggest a few areas that could allow for better presentation of this work, though the decision is entirely the authors. Numbers are usually written in word format in literature rather than using numeric symbols and I personally like to see all “i’s” capitalised, and “for-see” should be foresee. The line “ever part my mind” feels to me as if a word is missing and I wanted to read it as “ever part from my mind” or “ever depart my mind” but this is my own preference.
This poem is about feelings and not images and as such the small amount of imagery there is in it is inconsequential because the intensity of the feelings creates the visuals in the readers mind. What I found in this work is a deep sense of love, longing and a desire to sustain the love for all time. I particularly liked the lines “but i could not for-see, / just how much it, you, would steal me” because I think they demonstrate how we never know where our ‘next love’ will come from in out daily lives, that we don’t have to look for it, it might just be right in front of us. I think the flow of this work is smooth and presents a calm air, almost as if the author is in a deep comfy sofa, lost in his thoughts of this love. I like the theme used here as music is often used to describe love but to find love of music or musicians adds a whole different perspective.
Congratulations on reaching the final round of the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with this entry.
Northern Raven
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Criticism always accepted, and your changes, upon thought, seemed perfect, and thus have been made
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I really really really hate to say this, but the poem has been eliminated from the contest.
A few of us do feel though that you are a good canidate for the group. -
Songs Of love
Oh this is very recognizable to me for I felt that way about Elvis songs and the beachboys I would just melt when I heard them and I would hang on every word
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I'm sorry I clicked. xD
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You had a wonderful flow and rhythm to this piece, it was intriguing and a lovely tribute to your unconditional love
~tia
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Sounds very like old English in a way, just the way it is written. Nice to let someone know how you feel and what you think about them. Liked the title and how you carried it out throughout the lines.
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What a very sweet write! A pleasant read.
Peace and Love
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Aww this is so sweet, I like the way you poured out those feelings, if I were you I would try my best to say these words to your ladies faces.
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this is a very beautiful write...so full of love but at the same time longing....it is my hope that someday these two girls are able to read this and know just how touched you were by them. beautiful, beautiful....nothing more can be said....be well and be blessed
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sweet. Thanks so much for sharing
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i love your work and i love the way you put things you are a wonderful poet if you belive and im shure you belive good luck and have a good 4 keep up the great worh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!=)
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Sweet
Love, but for two sisters? Mebbe u cud have wrote about the two sisters lke how they feel about it more? Except for that i love it, the way how the man seems unfazed that they are both sisters however loves them both anyway. Interesting ending and title, "Play for me once more" enough to bite your teeth into Well done!
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awww i guess this could be cute in a pimpish sort of way. haha. great piece and description. it all ties together greatly. keep pennin
Jasmine -
ummmmmm. diferent. kinka freaky. but ouk i guess.
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you naughty naughty boy sisters are doing it for themselves.... Hi Five.... seriously you need all your energy when sisters are involved nicely written and well presented
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This is such a sweet poem! You have created a very descriptive and enticing piece here and it makes the reader want to read more and more! I congratulate you on your amazing work and I cannot wait to read more of it
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interesting
I think you rightfully qualify as their biggest fan. Either you really love music or you love people too easily. I don't know I've never had that kind of experience. I thought the flow was fine I just didn't relate to the subject matter.
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Good
I wonder what Megan and Claire did on that night. If you fell that deeply in love with them both then it must have been amazing. Anyhow. Your poem needs to flow better. It started if great but lost it in the end. Try thinking of that night and only writing what comes to mind. Like a free flow of thoughts. Normally when I write about something that moved me or love I write my pure sincere thoughts down and let it kinda comes together. How about at the end instead 'deeper than most of your spectators' use 'unlike any of your spectators, who do not love you as I do now.' Maybe go into detail about how the song made you feel close to them in detail. Overall it was very moving. The girls are lucky. -
Very nice!
I enjoyed reading your poem very much. It makes me want to hear Megan and Clare's music.
Maureen
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wow i really like this one. nice job.
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Awhhhhhhhh
This is really sweet.
<3IrishMan
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Woah. This is totally unreal. Its really emotional, and as soon as i begun reading, couldnt look away until i had finished. well done. And keep up the good work. MuchLove.xx
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Incredible
Dang bro this is one deeply e-motionally penned poem and it is about love on the grand scale through music. Their wording and the way they played the soothing music is really what got you big time. any ways this is just one of those most incredible mionor master like piece sof poetry thaty lots will read about but never fully understand. I understood this in a lyrical music way and its just heavenly beautiful music the way you werote this. I really am left semi speechless trying to comment LOL! Very good work and keep it up bro!
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wow. this is un-real. It is not your average love poem. Its so raw and has great energy. I absolutly love it!! <3
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oh this is so so beautiful... i wish i could feel this kind of love...
awesome penning... thanks so much for sharing an opening my eyes to a deeper love between 3...
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hi dear Phil,
A nice piece.That sounds you had a wonderful experience.
Wish you the best.
Shahrzad
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music lover
How wonderful to have the experience you did. I understand how one can become intoxicated with certain performers and performances. Music runs very deep in the human soul. I love your poem. Warm Regards...vivela
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What a truly beautiful and awesome piece of poetry this is! Excellent substance and just reaches out and touches the heart and soul of your reader
Awesome writing!
Wish you all the very best of everything!
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so romantique so beautiful it remembers me a lot of stories
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I enjoyed that poem. It showed alot of deep emotion. It was well written and was an easy read. Good job.
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Very beautiful and heartfelt.
When you find someone or better yet,
two people who make you feel this
way, it's a wonderful feeling that
you will never forget. Great work here
and thanks a lot for sharing this one.
I do hope that you let these two women
know how you really feel. Good luck
to you and keep up the wonderful work
here!
Jeremy0826
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What a write, You go deep into the heart and dig out a brilliantly penned write one where the spectators get to see the poetry come alive and dance with the wind, also leaving an honest sting to the past and future an awsome write.......
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Oh, I wish I may, wish I might, receive such a poem... YES! Wonderful to feel appreciated and admired, which this poem does relate so well and in such a warm and delightful way!
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Ryle Hira
Don't give up, but, life is what it is.... -
I'm not certain what it is that grabs the reader in this...but grab us it does. Perhaps it's the familiarity of it...in some way, we can all relate to the "little girls who grew up" from our childhood
Whatever the case, it's a wonderful piece that brings back memories of childhood and home. Well done poet
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absolutely lovely.
You have a talent with words. I enjoyed every minute of my reading your poem. -
A most beautifully penned decication of a true love.
Wonderful Phil, I love it.
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Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a loving and complete way of tributing these two talented ladies!!!!! To fall in love with an artist in this way is truely an apprecation of their talents. I'm sure they both know that you are their biggest fan after reading this piece you have penned for them.Your adoration shines throught in the words you so eloqently chose for this poem. Thanks for sharing your apprecation for great talent !!!!!~~Toni!!
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Beautiful
This is without a doubt very touching. It expresses so much emotion and does it in such a sweet and tender way. It flows so smoothly. Wonderful writing.
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interesting...
I don't know exactly(I have an idea though)why this is
moving to me; at any rate it's good stuff!
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super
yeah nice wirte it's cool that you paint such awesome picture...i can almost feel those feelings with you. -
Hmm... it seems you're in the middle of quite a conundrum. And I'm not sure if i spelled that right... oh well.
On to what I wanted to say; great job. You brought to life an experience of yours. The reader definitely gets a good feel for what you're describing. -
OMG! I almost cried reading this Phil! It is so beautifully tender and honest, your emotion jumps from that page. Do not touch this piece! It's perfect!
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I seriously love this. A lot.
It's so... I can't explain it.
Amazing.
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Ditto! I couldn't quite explain it either, but I loved it too
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I think it may just be the raw emotion of the verses?
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Hmm, yes I think you're right. They just hit you and linger. I adore this
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I think we better shhh or his ego will grow again
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Oh crap! too right! It's a fluke phil...put some ice on that noggin'
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Haha.
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Excellent this piece then conveys to you, exactly how i was made feel tonight
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