A mothers sly deception leaves a puzzled son in agonizing perplextion
As he gazes into indignant eyes that were once sweet
They now burn with a repugnant fire revealing her souls true desire
They call him a liar and stare at him like a person incomplete
Eyes that don't see him glare at him like a person incomplete
Only silence can save him from their heat
Detrimental words dipped in honey, deleterious clouds made to look sunny
From charming and affectionate lips that effortlessly curse
She can make him feel like a precious locket dropped into a forgotten pocket
He'd feel like an empty socket as she'd say, "You're like a bottomless purse."
Yet he'd forever store all her evil words cause he was her bottomless purse
Only silence can save him from feeling worse
Gentle fingers clutch a hostile belt causing hurt in places he's never felt
He realizes that she consciously wants him to feel pain
This he knows cause on her angry face it clearly shows
And as her blows fall like precipitation she screams, "You're driving me insane!"
As her loving blows kiss his back, she screams, "You're driving me insane!"
Only silence can save him from the rain
Because of how his heart had bled into a profound silence he fled
In a desperate attempt to stop the pain, he cut off all emotion
And in the delusory he found quiet peace, all his feelings began to cease
His soul crumpled in a crease as the world lost all living motion
His soul took wheezing breaths as the world lost all living motion
Only silence saved him from its fetal potion
Author notes
Big Jara. This is the first poem that i have written about me personnally. Its about my relationship with my mom.
This stlye of poetry is based off of edgar allen poe's poem the raven.
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A contest entry
- Life Sucks (rounds contest) by SoftlyScreaming.
600 points, ended July 12, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme and Flow part 9 Feelings - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended September 7, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
please, I want your honest feelings about this poem.
Comments
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Well done Poet!!!
Exellent! It flowed with infinite grace and power.
Stretched my minds eye across the entire spectrum of feelings expressed, emotions, and soulful expressions of the spiritual damage. I'm sure this was so hard to write! It seems you have devulged the essense in pen.
Screaming metaphors and poetic device.
Smooth as honey.
Brava!
With much respect,
Justified Inc.
This deserves the Gold and more.
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Good write.
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I really like it. I have never been in that position before but when I read it I was. So, great job! You have a talent, don't ever forget that.
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wow very interesting ...especially since you did a scheme like edgar allen poe's "The Raven" great imagery btw
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very beautiful . and once i read your notes i could get the flow of the poem. i like the imagery in this also. you are very talented i love it
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I really think that you should have won this contest.This was great.You were really in tune to your feelings and as you said you got them out.They were easy to relate to.Been through alot with my mom still do not talk or write about it much.But you did great.You should be proud of this.You did deserve the honorable win but I think it should have been gold.
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Thank you for your entry in the contest. A very interesting poem dealing with your life and Mother.
All the best to you in judging
Sue and Jeff
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I think my favorite part was the locket simile. Very nice and not cliche! Well thought up.
I'm not sure I really like any of the repetition in this poem, though.
"Your driving me in insane!" Should be You're or You are...
I'm never one to follow a style. It isn't my thing. I like contemporary better. So it is hard for my to judge the style. But most of the content is good, like imagery and all that.
Over all it could use some touch ups, but still good. -
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thanks for the read and your honesty
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Great read! Narrative, yet graced with delicate use of poetic device> I really appreciate this piece!!!
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thanks for the read
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I am very sorry that your relationship with your mother was so troubling to you. I hope that it is better now.
You writing is very well. It is an interesting read. And while I don't read poe much anymore. I do like to his work.
Thanks for sharing this and I hope to read more from you.
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your comments are very much appriciated
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Neatly structured ...
and vividly embedded in emotions ... Now, Poet, of course this poem is self therapy ... And having said that, it means you have written it not only for the self, but for all the readers that can relate. The mother is often the first link to trust ... and to distrust. It is sad, but true.
It is important that you should link her response to your actions before that. EVEN THOUGH she did act wrong, and did confuse you with her inconsistent behavior, perhaps you did the same to her, hmmmmm?
All I say IS: consider both sides ... Life is interrelations. I am a mother of five, and I did not use corporal punishment, but I know that I am not perfect and may have caused distress ...
I think all mothers and children should read your poem with introspection and forgiveness. And move on.
Thank you for reading my work; I truly appreciate it.
Love
Myra
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Wow, this is so sad, yet is written so beautifully. Your words show such strong emotion, and I can't help but feel I am in your place. I know that no words can truly make me feel how you feel, but this poem did a wonderful job of making me understand. I am so sorry you've had to go through this. I can only imagine how hard it was write this. You did a great job!
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I don't care what the other poems in thatc contest were about, this one should have won.
This was amazing; it was heart-wrenching, disturbing, and completely indescribable all at the same time. I don't know what to say about it, but it really makes you ... think, I suppose.
The rhyme scheme was amzing; I've never seen anyone write this caliber a poem using hia ridiculously difficult style.
But, it was an amazing poem.
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thanks for the read and the kind words
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Superb plus
Wow, you have my empathy. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme are just fine. You painted a picture of exactly why emotional/psychological abuse of a child is as damaging as physical/sexual abuse. Once again, well done. Of course, there is no excuse for abuse of a child, what so ever.
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A very compelling write and nicely done. Though I've experienced trauma in my years it's nothing in comparison to yours. I hope expressing it on paper helps. Happy trails neighbor
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Well personally I don't enjoy it. I can only say I like it when people break at a rhyme.
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i'm lost. you dont like rhying poems?
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Reality
wow, in some ways it mirrors my onwsituation but in differnt waysthanks for posting it you gave me alot ot think about!
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that sounded like a hardcore song about life, that was good, I enjoyed reading it because it reminded me of lyrics to a song and shit... like something from Shai Hulud or Strongarm or some type of positive influenced hardcore song, you know what I mean. The message was loud and clear in this one. Positive yet setting a bitter example as to what can go wrong in life.
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Suppressing emotions is our natural reaction. Unfortunately it usually makes it worse. Normally I prefer free verse but you did well here with the form. The personal ones are always the hardest to write.
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"Because of how his heart had bled into a profound silence he fled
In a desperate attempt to stop the pain, he cut off all emotion
And in the delusory he found quiet peace, all his feelings began to cease
His soul crumpled in a crease as the world lost all living motion"
oooh poor spirit. This poem was amazing....and you got the applause to prove it. Stunned.
Creatress
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I like your poem a lot. I can relate to it. My mother is the same way. I moved in with my dad on my 12th birthday and didn't talk to my mom for a year and a half. We talk now, but only occassionally (probably once every two-three weeks). It's tough, but you'll make it through. Hang in there!
As far as improvements, I have no suggestion. The poem was written very well! You should check out one of mine sometime, although they aren't written as well as yours.
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Detrimental words dipped in honey
these are the worst kind of hurt if you ask me, which you didn't. but...
this poem is so sad to read from you and i wish you well in the healing process as you go through this life. i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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I love the rhymes here. They are effortless and add to the poem greatly. I also love the alliteration. Your talent for turning a phrase is beautiful: "Detrimental words dipped in honey" -- nicely done. I also love how you describe the struggles of a man to express his emotions. Overall, this is a very nice poem
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thanks for the read
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I thought this was a personal account and most touching. How silence reigned here, like as if the strictness has shone through, but remain to be a credit to yourself and your family.,
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