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Winter's Searching Talons

The winter's talons scar across the land,

And fallow fields bleed white with crystal rime,

The bitter wind will crack the farmer's hand;

And night throws down the gauntlet goading time.

A filigree of patterns on the pane

That do not melt before a pallid sun

Has risen to the noon day sky again,

But they reform before the day is done.

Once singing brook now murmurs under ice,

The waterfall is trapped in crystal shine,

Both held within the winter's cruel vice,

As whistling winds are whining through the pines.

Beneath a hush of white each living thing

Will sleep until the coming of the spring.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 54 of 54
  • Vera Rich
    June 10
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    Thank you for entering my Shakespearean Sonnet competition. You have grasped the basic form well. My only criticisms - and they are very minor ones, is that the Shakespearean tradition perhaps would require a rather stronger volta between octave and sestet - and that "cruel vice" is perhaps verging upon cliche.

  • ecrivain01
    June 2
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    This is ...

    I believe ... one of your best sonnets. At least it's one of my favorites, if not the favorite.

    Good luck in the contest.


  • SEA angel gold member
    January 1
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    Last two lines powerful

    I could feel the biting cold in your words. You capture the nature of the bitter coldness of winter very well. Yet, too, gave your reader a glimpse at spring trying to surface amid all life's harshness. Thank God so far each spring spring has prevailed. Yes, though asleep, spring will awake again in spring. YAY! Nature... the beauty of it all is like poetry.


  • Crazy-Love
    December 18, 2008

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    This was amazing, beautifully written! I rather enjoyed your use of words! Good Luck and thanks for entering!


  • yourbentangel
    November 19, 2008

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    This is breathtaking. I love what you did with it... even though it is obviously a prewrite it fits the specifics I asked for and more. Thank you for entering and good luck!


  • BellaD
    August 3, 2008

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    Just wonderful! Beautiful flowing lines. Excellent meter and rhyme. Congrats on yet another gold trophy.


  • Cyber Artist Moderators member
    July 30, 2008

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    God you make it hard to write about your poetry! its so delicious its like sitting down to a sumptuous meal and leaving full and content. Every line is (now matter how you look at it) the best possible way it could be written. Exquisite
    Cyber Artist


  • B Chandler
    July 23, 2008

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    Do away with the picture I say because what you've done was provide a clear and precise image of what would be happening for winter


  • Never Fall in Love
    March 9, 2008

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    As I read this, I could asily tell that this was indeed a sonnet! Congratulaions on your trophies - this is very much deserving of it

    Never ♥


  • pappacass
    January 10, 2008
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    LOVE IT

    living in New England, i can relate...good luck

  • ecrivain01
    October 1, 2007

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    Beautiful poem ...

    and the pic is exquisite. I don't like the line ending with ice, because 'neath bothers me. It should be "beneath the ice, the murmur of once singing brook", of course, but that would throw the whole rhyme scheme out the window. Still and all, it's really a great poem. It almost reminds me of Robert Frost, and the pic certainly reminded me of Dr. Zhivago. Thanks for entering the contest and giving me a chance to see this marvelous poem.


  • misticmoonlite gold member
    September 18, 2007
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    T his says a lot in your words,vision is splendid,thanks for entering and good luck...MM


  • misticmoonlite gold member
    September 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    T his says a lot in your words,vision is splendid,thanks for entering and good luck...MM

  • Mercury Rising
    August 22, 2007

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    Flawless iambic pentameter and a perfectly realized sonnet all around. Just a delight to read. Best of luck in my contest, and thanks for entering this outstanding poem.

    David


  • Whispers of Hope
    August 12, 2007
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    This is a Beautiful piece I love this poem!! Good job!
    ~Ocean~


  • Tangled Angle
    July 29, 2007
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    Very lovely poem. Thanks for entering, best of luck to you.


  • Riftkin gold member
    July 28, 2007
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    winter's snow and frost hides the green that spring sets free


  • passim silver member
    July 15, 2007
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    This is a very worthy winner. Well don, congratulations on your Gold Award.


  • MargaretG
    July 15, 2007

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    great imagery

    Well done, Di, so many lines about the harshness of winter, and then the hope of spring. I like the alliteration of "whistling winds are whining", it makes me feel cold in this heatwave! Congratulations on your gold.


  • ApocalypticInsanity
    July 5, 2007
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    Wow.

    That was a very nice poem.
    Great Imagery and awsome description
    Bravo
    Keep writing!


  • liduen silver member
    July 5, 2007

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    Great imagery and description. This is a worthy Featured Poem. Keep writing!!! Good luck in all of the contests.


  • Life is a Beach gold member
    July 5, 2007

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    You really know how to put words together! You created a wonderful descriptive picture with your words.


  • ventus11
    July 3, 2007
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    nice. i love the imagery, i can picture it in my head.


  • Rain86
    July 3, 2007
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    OH WOW! I loved this poem. Its so full of description and imagery and really makes the reader feel like they are a part of the scene. You definitely have a way with your words that makes the reader want to come back for more! Nicely done and keep up the good work


  • Elfin
    July 2, 2007
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    Di,this is just beautiful, again I stand in awe at your brilliance. It is a shame that you have to waste points on the likes of me who cannot critique a standard of work that is beyond their reach. (at the moment, I am chasing you though.LOL)good luck in the contest my dear friend Val


  • Rainbowchaser
    July 2, 2007

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    There is a cold beauty both about the picture and in your words. The talons of winter metaphor is striking original and apt, one can imagine the claws of ice scaring everything with ice and cold. The poem reads so effortlessly and manages to instill hope with those final two lines. It evokes the idea that everything has a conclusion, not just the turning of the seasons. Well done and good luck in the contest. K


  • ventus11
    July 2, 2007
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    very nice!!!!


  • Amanda1
    July 2, 2007
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    Absolutely gorgeous! Thank you for sharing such a wonderful expression with us!


  • dark cajun shadow
    July 2, 2007
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    Beautifully Written

    One feels the cold, deep withing their heart. You are a wonderful writer!

  • Climbing2nothing
    July 2, 2007

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    wow, your truly a master of the painted mind, your crystal stillness of this season is a gift this raining cosy pot-belly-stove-warmed night, especially with the reference to time for this is the secret behind winter, a time for dreams life, where reality harsh and painful takes the back stage unto the unconcious and spirit, where so we would explore the abyss unto the rise of the sky...
    anhoodles thanks for your wonderful pen, with chai and choc chip cookies -jas


  • storiesuntold gold member
    July 1, 2007

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    Great write

    Giving me a shiver for the cold whisper of the wind through busy fingertips just crossed my page . Keep up the writing its marvelous


  • Akayume
    July 1, 2007
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    The image created in one's mind while reading this poem is just fantastic!


  • Akayume
    July 1, 2007
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    I love this poem! The words weave a tale that's hard to ignore. Keep writing


  • Epistomolus silver member
    July 1, 2007
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    Marvelous

    Your imagery is just stunning in this piece. A beautiful piece of work.

    The form is particularly fine in this poem, and other poets can learn through observation. Each of the first three quatrains is an individual tableau that stands alone, but combines with the others to present the overall scene. The final couplet presents a turn - the poem has been about the winter throughout, but in the last two lines we're reminded that spring is just around the corner. Excellent form.

    The second quatrain (A filigree of patterns...day is done.) is particularly fine work. Each line is a separate, complete thought, in spite of the fact that the four lines together are a single sentence. This is a brilliant blend of meter, rhyme, form, and content that makes a sonnet sheer delight when it works well.

    Your rhymes are clear, the meter mostly clean, a very successful poem.

    There are a few lines I would like to see you give a second look.

    "Day throws the gauntlet challenging spent time."

    I'm not exactly sure what that means, which is surprsing to me since the meaning of the rest of the poem comes through very clear. It's also awkward metrically, with spondees at both ends of the line (DAY THROWS the GAUNTlet CHALlengING SPENT TIME). Perhaps something like "The day throws down the gauntlet [prodding, testing, goading] time." or "The day casts down the glove to challenge time."

    "As the whistling winds through the old pines whine."
    This line is awkward metrically. Perhaps "As whistling winds are whining through the pine." (or pines, if you prefer - a plural at that point is only the slightest of slant rhymes, and perfectly understandable).
    "But she, determined, will rebirth soon bring."
    This line has twisted grammar (But she, determined, will soon bring rebirth). The greatest poets all did this from time to time (some more than others), but it's not something to be proud of, and subjects them to enduring criticism (Wordsworth would be a good example). It's hard for me to get "bring" to the end of the line without mxing up the grammar, so I might rewrite the couplet. For example:

    Harsh winter's claws ensnare each living thing,
    Until they are reborn again in spring.

    Finding a way to communicate the same message in a straightforward way would put the crowning touch on an otherwise masterful sonnet.

    I enjoy this poem very much, and appreciate your entry. This is an immensely successful poem, just as it reads now, and could resonate even more powerfully with a few minor tweaks.

    -Epistomolus


    • masterblaster gold member
      July 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      At last

      Hi, finally, at last a constructive critique, I thought I would starve to death,lol, you have some very valid points, I have done edit, when you have a moment would like your thoughts, many thanks Di

      • Epistomolus silver member
        July 1, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        Very nice - as I always say, I hope you'll listen to my critique, then do what you know is right. Your rewrite is far superior to my suggestions - I hope you're as happy with the result as I.

        -Epistomolus


  • Dragons Lady
    July 1, 2007

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    Wow. This is so wonderfully written. The imagery created by the words is only enhanced by the picture you have chosen. I love the last line. It shows hope for a new day. Good luck in the contest.


  • Electric Sunrise gold member
    July 1, 2007
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    If there's one thing that this poem provides in masterul quality it's strong and startling images, mentally stimulating and vividly memorable.

    I love it, there's an unsurpassable amount of brilliance here, and i mean then with all sincerity.

    Well done

  • Nannar
    July 1, 2007

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    Very nice poem.

    Your poem in conjunction with the picture you've chosen have a hunting effect. As if these are scenes from distant memory. Very nice indeed.


  • Talking Toni gold member
    July 1, 2007

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    As much as I love Winter............

    You gave winter a fiece and harsh aura. I love the picture as it totally enhanced the poem sending a chill my way on this muggy warm summer morning. Your rhyme scheme was impeccable!!!I love the winter and snow and ice it is the most beautiful of seasons when there is an abundant snowfall. But in this piece you made me wish for an early spring!!!Really nice writing here!!! Thanks for sharing!!!~~Toni~~

  • Epistomolus silver member
    July 1, 2007
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    Hi:
    I've been staging these contests as workshops. I give critical commentary before the contest ends to allow the authors to make adjustments before the final judging.

    Please reply and let me know if you would like for me to critique your poem.

    Thanks,
    Epistomolus


  • capricornpoet
    June 30, 2007

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    love this scene of winter

    Beautiful sonnet on winter, I see such winters every year some worst...how true of its talons..
    Full of images that remind of winter and its cold
    embrace; I know the first word of the line had to be stressed but ...the line "The winter's talons....
    why can't it be softer like "Winter's talons leave scars accross the land" to replace the The..
    anyways its a grand Sonnet ....


  • penman gold member
    June 30, 2007

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    Excellent

    Very visual descriptions. You truly took the reader where you poem created with the images. Best of luck in the contest.


  • ImogenSky
    June 30, 2007

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    A bit hard to follow when I got a it into it, but it all came together in the end...Wodnerfuly worded, I loved this poem


  • Sgt B
    June 30, 2007

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    I could feel the cooling effect

    And being in Az I needed it. Such a visual write.

    right off the bat you bring in images of reality:
    The winter's talons scar across the land,

    And fallow fields bleed white with crystal rime,

    The bitter wind will crack the farmer's hand;

    Day throws the gauntlet challenging spent time.
    But then you end with the promise of warmth.
    Harsh winter would usurp the right of spring,

    But she, determined, will rebirth soon bring.
    gret job & good luck. ~Ron~


  • Brazos silver member
    June 30, 2007
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    Lovely, Di

    Once again, you reaffirm your right to the crown of "The Mistress of Imagery". My favorite lines were the third "The bitter wind will crack the farmer's hand;" [I have actually seen this before], and the last, with the promise of Spring bringing the rebirth.

    Well done, you do wonderfully in the contest.

    Hugs, Brazos

  • Bad Bill
    June 30, 2007

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    I enjoyed reading this well-rhymed piece. Somehow it reminded me of Goldsmith's "Deserted Village", even though he wrote in rhyming couplets and your poem is a sonnet. Very well done.
    Bill


  • Puppydog gold member
    June 30, 2007

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    HOW SOOTHING AND BEAUTIFUL!!!

    As I was reading I had this shiver run down my back as I felt a breath of cold air blow gently over me But it is a beautiful feeling A stark, beautiful picture you bring forth with your words.


  • passim silver member
    June 30, 2007

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    A beautiful sonnet. Very descriptive, I can actually feel the claws of winter. Best of luck in the contest.


  • atkinpea
    June 30, 2007

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    great

    i'm speechless brother.it is a very nice poem. actually the diction is very nice and the poem has a fine rhythm.how interesting!keep it up.i liked it a lot


  • jo-el
    June 30, 2007
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    trully appreciate the message of rebirth...loved first 3lines... the title is so appropriate...suggesting a sort of clawing away...you can almost imagine winter personified digging its cold talons in to the farmer's cracked hands...excellent write


  • katscradle
    June 30, 2007
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    very nice

    i noticed that hint of shakespear in your piece and it fits well with the picture too...good luck


  • Tangled Angle
    June 30, 2007
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    Excellent job. Best of luck in the contest.

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