Clarity

I dread the moments of clarity in an otherwise clouded brain
when the thoughts start to flow.  
Emotions and thoughts rise to the surface,
and I am weak.
I can't ignore how weak I am.
Remembering who I was,
what I once thought I could
do...make...create...hurts.
The dams built up of the settled refuse of years spring leaks,
burst open and the backed up floodgates of memory explode
littering the area with the decomposing corpses of dreams.
thoughts of ones muse disappearing,
decomposing isn't so bad when ones mind is too murky to notice.
letting the muddy waters settle can no longer be an option.

empty forgotten corridors of the mind
so full of shadows, horrors too decayed to examine overmuch
shake up the snow globe,
so tarnished after a few simple years
keep walking
keep smiling

The shallow person that I've become,
Reminiscient of what was once so much more
Still moving along it's present path
stumbling and stuttering with thoughts long dead
the grimace of pain so much like a smile
forced words and actions remembrances of things that once meant so much
the body remembers
the brain rots
the marionette keeps dancing
autopilot on so long
the buttons rusted cracked
no movement allowed

thoughts turn inward
staring at the wreckage
eyes wide
time slows to view the carnage