Each night I travelled to a foreign land,
I searched for something I could never find.
Until one night I almost touched the hand,
of someone close that I had left behind.
When morning sunlight ran around my walls,
and I was gently woken from this dream.
Every thought throughout the day my mind recalled
the searching, and continued on this theme.
This puzzle invaded my daylight hours;
the answer, always a heartbeat away.
I watched all day as the clock devoured
time, and I travel through night`s doorway
One night, a silver mirror I could see
the dream, on reflection, my search for me
Updated version
second and third stanza.
When morning sunlight ran around my walls,
and I was gently woken from this dream.
Some longlost memory my mind recalled.
I longed for sleep the hunger to redeem.
This yearning filled all the daylight hours;
the answer, always a heartbeat away.
Waiting as the time the clock devoured
and I could return through the night`s doorway
Author notes
testing the water
A contest entry
- Rhyme and Meter Workshop: Shakespearean Sonnet by Epistomolus.
1200 points, ended July 15, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I like this. You have a good sense of the rhythm. Your first stanza is, in fact, flawless. The rhythm scans perfectly, your rhyme is clear, each line is a complete thought, the quatrain completes a scene in your poem (as do the others). Your final couplet gives the poem the turn we want to see. You have a clear theme, and develop it nicely.
About now, your poem has been around for a little while, and you can go back to it with fresh eyes. There are a couple of spots where the meter is off - it should flow just as smoothly throughout as it does in your first stanza.
For example, "Every thought throughout the day my mind recalled" has eleven syllables and the streses occur in the wrong places. You could fix that easily with "Each thought throughout the day my mind recalled." However, the grammar is a little odd there, too - I'm not sure exactly what you mean. I would rework those two lines, try to get the same meaning without using enjambment to run the thought from one line into the next.
"This puzzle invaded my daylight hours" has the stresses in the wrong place as well.
this PUZzle INvaDED my DAYlight HOURS
perhaps something like
these THOUGHTS inTRUded ON my DAYlight HOURS
would convey the same meaning.
I think you've done really well so far. If you were to take another look at the second and third stanzas, and play with them to get the stressed syllables in line with the iambic pentameter, you would have an even stronger piece than the one you've already created.
-Epistomolus -
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Thank you very much indeed for your comments
I am pleased you thought some of it was OK.
I have tried to improve the second and third
stanzas, I am not sure it I have achieved it.
Dixie
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Hi:
I've been staging these contests as workshops. I give critical commentary before the contest ends to allow the authors to make adjustments before the final judging.
Please reply and let me know if you would like for me to critique your poem.
Thanks,
Epistomolus -
-
I would love to have your critique, I would
love to know where I am going wrong before
I pick up any more bad habits, I write with
no knowledge of poetry just instinctively.
Thank you
Dixie
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wow, this is brilliant. I like your use of imagery, (i'm a fan!)
But the thoughts you portray make the reader believe what you are saying and take it in and internalise it.
Nicely done, glad I came across your beautiful piece.
Lexy xx
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