I tried so hard to walk around this pit between heaven and hell
I never intended to welcome its presence but I knew it all to well
It took only an instance no sooner than a blink of an eye
And now I sit all by myself writing this poem while I cry
Who is it I can turn to is there anybody in which to confide?
How long must I pretend to smile how long is too long to hide?
I wish I could just stop the world go back to that very first day
When I was introduced to Satan, and then let him have his way
Who is it I can turn to is there anybody in which to confide?
How long must I pretend to smile how long is too long to hide?
Will there be time to stop this madness?
Apologize and take away all the sadness
Am I the only one that needs someone, someone to hold my hand?
That will listen without judgment and who will take time to understand
I wish I could just stop the world, go back to that very first day
When I was introduced to Satan, and then let him have his way
If time becomes my enemy and I die before I tell
I will apologize in this poem for getting weak cuz once again I fell
Label me how you want to I well deserve every single name
But just know that it was not only me, we have Satan also to blame
I never wanted to hurt you all I feel I wasn’t given a chance
Satan had such a pull on me; I took his hand and accepted his deadly dance
I tried so hard to walk around this pit between heaven and hell
I never intended to welcome its presence but I knew it all to well.
I wish I could just stop the world go back to that very first day
When I was introduced to Satan, and then let him have his way
I never wanted to hurt you all I feel I wasn’t given a chance
Satan had such a pull on me; I took his hand and accepted his deadly dance.
Author notes
My loving family, I am sorry.
love happens once in a lifetime. the difference lies in how many time you're willing to live in the time that you're alive.
Option 2
In a list
A contest entry
- Dark Lullabys by Redrusty66.
390 points, ended March 15, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
(Don't get angry at me for this critique, since it is, in fact, a critique. Your later poems definitely hit a much better stride then this one, despite my somewhat dislike of the bland subject matter.)
A bizarrely cliched diary entry that barely qualifies as a poem. It's a somewhat wrenching read, but as a poem it's... lacking.
The first major problem I can see is that it just doesn't flow at all. The lines don't particularly match up, except for the rhyming scheme which, while they DO rhyme, don't really seem to portray that you put much effort into the poem. All the rhymes you use are incredibly bland (eye/cry, day/way, etc.). Strengthen the rhyming and even out the lines (which begin to break length near the middle) and there could be a lot to like here, prose wise.
The second major problem actually makes the poem difficult to read.
the punctuation is spastic. Either have no in-sentence punctuation and break up the lines, or be a little more reliable with it.
-When I was introduced to Satan, and then let him have his way-
This line proves you will use commas, yet in lines that desperately need them you neglect them.
-I never intended to welcome its presence but I knew it all to well-
-How long must I pretend to smile how long is too long to hide?-
Normally I'd call this stylistic, but it just destroys the flow beyond recognition.
Otherwise, the repetition is decent, and the subject matter, while well traveled, isn't too overwrought, with a single, horrible exception
-And now I sit all by myself writing this poem while I cry-
That line literally just... destroyed any seriousness the poem could possibly have had and drug it deep into the realm of pointless self-loathing. Try to avoid the sadness so black that it actually becomes campy. The lines with Satan have a similar problem.
Otherwise it isn't too bad, keep writing. -
It was more of a diary to me, emotional and pulling, than a poem. I didn't find it had much poetic merit, it didn't stand out as a poem for me. It did however get your story and point across, got us insight into your mindframe and that's the makings towards something.
-
Powerful prose, the story was entrancing. Your use of vocabulary to bring across the inner emotions was excellent. Thanks for the read.
-
All I can say right now is wow.
This has a sadness to it beyond your typical down in the dumps sadness.
It reminds me of something my son would write and in fact I was sure he had written it until I checked his page and saw he had not.
because my son has expressed these kinds of feelings I know how awful it is.
Nobody should ever feel like this, but unfortuantely we as people are suceptible to feeling this way.
This is a very powerfully piece and very well written. thank you for entering this.
This is going to be a hard contest to judge. -
not as sorry as I am!!!
-
This sounds like either it is a song or has the potential to be one. And I'm not usually into things about religion, but the way you reffer to the drug as satan is making that statement all the more powerful. It gets the meaning across so much better like it's set in stone.
-
It brought tears to my eyes.You have a very good talent keep on writting girl!
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
