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Collapse

collapse
into pieces my body smashes
across the hollow ground
screaming screaming screaming
never makes a sound
because it's all in my head
I was never really there
  
I set myself aside
away from my blinding pain
somewhere to hide
so I could see everything
and I can see the destruction
erupting from my veins
gouge out my eyes
so you can't see me cry
and i can pretend
like everything's alright
just to fall asleep tonight

  
The guilt is grinding in
because this life is a lie
every step I take is'nt mine
where do we look
when there's nothing to find
just separate to delegate
between you and reality
watch as time elapse
just watch..
as i collapse

Author notes

love happens once in a lifetime. the difference lies in how many time you're willing to live in the time that you're alive.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Koz
    August 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow...this is very visual. i can picture whats going on as i read it. i can feel the pain in this peom.


  • Electric Sunrise gold member
    December 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Firstly, let me say apologies for the late judgement of this contest,

    Nicely done, punctuating it would bring it up an entire level, but as a whole i can't say its a bad piece, infact it was somewhat enjoyable

    Thanks for the entry and best of luck in the contest,

  • Improv Machinery
    August 30, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow, this is a great write. i can totally connect with all the emotions in this piece. this is exactly how i felt when my acoustic guitar got stolen from me. i just wanted to collapse and scream. great write, never stop writing
    Rob


  • Puking Faerie Dust gold member
    August 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very vivid write. There's a lot of different emotions everywhere, and I can feel the pain and longing. The last stanza, I thought, was the best. It concluded the poem perfectly. Good job, and good luck in the contest
    Jeanette*~

  • tigress3737
    July 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    "every step I take is'nt mine
    where do we look
    when there's nothing to find
    just separate to delegate"
    You have captured throughout this poem how lost and hopeless everyone feels at the down part of their life. The last lines are especially gripping and evoke intense emotion


  • thelovesongwriter
    July 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    gouge out my eyes
    so you can't see me cry
    and i can pretend
    like everything's alright
    just to fall asleep tonight

    WOW. awesome. awesome. great imagery, full of emotion. i loved it! <3333333


  • mcw120588
    July 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i love the way it opens and closes with the same word the same idea. its really good!!!!

  • raouldaggermark
    July 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    fantastic

  • raouldaggermark
    July 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    neat, ver ynice

  • EdibleRoses
    July 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love it. I like the word choices that you used, and how it sounded sad, depressing, even, but still sounded genuine. I can relate to it deeply, I think a lot of people can...Beautiful.


  • hopelessly-broken
    July 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    "gouge out my eyes
    so you can't see me cry
    and i can pretend
    like everything's alright "

    this bit completely stood out to me! well done. i loved this poem
    keep up the amaizng writting and good luck in my contest

    love HB
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxox


  • love tank x
    June 30, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    "and I can see the destruction
    erupting from my veins
    gouge out my eyes
    so you can't see me cry
    and i can pretend
    like everything's alright
    just to fall asleep tonight"

    I really like this;
    it isnt cliche & it flows well.
    Great job!


  • Dmonik
    June 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I get a feeling of 'This body isn't mine. All my pain is someone else's ) from this piece. It's creatively constructed and structurly sound. Another excellant piece by yourself. Thanks for sharing it

  • OurxBeginning
    June 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The imagery in this is strong and powerful. The emotion can also be felt so well. The ending was my favorite part. Well done and keep it up.


  • Barely Breathing gold member
    June 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is brilliant. Its such a sad, heart wrenching poem but is really well written. From the beginning I was totally enthrawled in this poem. "Because its all in my head, I was never really there". These lines were amazing. Well done. Great poem.


  • CassidyEngle
    June 29, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I loved the imagery in this one. I love your latest contest. And I am going to enter it soon


  • ObliviousReality
    June 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. The first stanza really drew me in. I loved how you used the imagery(intended or not, I got a picture from that!)

    And the rest of it flowed really well together.
    I loved the word you used, and how you set up the stanzas.
    You didn't use an exact pattern, but it seems like you rhymed every other line.
    Still, it came out really way.
    Sends out a very strong emotional connection to the reader.

    Well done!
    Life be blessed,
    PorcelainxPrincess


  • Luna Shadow Cat
    June 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    nice repetitive- i'd watch out for the words side my side though- i find layering thme (undereachother ) works better for rythem- very in deepth look on the pain one cna feel though. i clap.

1 - 18 of 18