Six year old mentality-
I believed your smoke-spiral stories,
Of Christmas warm cookies,
That filled our stomachs,
& the Easter egg dye
That I kept getting in my hair.
But you washed it out with
Warm lights & understanding.
(I wasn't such a different
Shade than you,
…Once)
Stolen time,
Curled into too short hair,
But we laughed.
Even though my picture
That year
Was horrible,
You framed it anyway
& I felt beautiful.
Change filtered through
Our waterbed sanctuary,
A dirty home,
Flung into a bigger house,
That just didn't have
Floorboards like I remembered.
But we made it through.
& blew out birthday candles,
To pass the time.
But I changed with the leaves
That year.
& I became a different side of
Sorrows coin,
No longer the safe bet
That you could see through
& understand.
& we stopped being related
When Christ stopped holding water,
You left me to my fantasy of
A perfect world,
& I hated you for it
When I realized that love hurt
Worse in the heart
Than it did between my legs.
So I flung it to
Black nail polish
& nights
That I didn't come home.
But,
Excuses could always cover
That like the foundation
That you finally let me buy
On my thirteenth birthday-
Especially when
They were believable,
& made it seem
Like I loved you again.
Smooth over the creases
In my skin,
Blemishes making me the
Perfect example
In your self-help books
I caught you reading,
(But never told you
That I knew),
Trying to make sense of me.
I ask you why you can't love me,
But you only smile out
The excuse that
I'm not happy
Because I hate your
Off-white Christ.
I tell you again,
I'll stay
Empty because....
There just
Isn't a reason
Not to be.
Author notes
I swear in that moment, We were infinite.
Sorry if this isn't what you're looking for.
I got inspiration from the poem and decided to make it personal.
In a list
A contest entry
- Infinite, 10,000 points. by InfiniteCaitlin.
12000 points, ended July 2, 2007, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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this is really well-done. i love the creative style and some of the lines really struck home with me. very original, vivid description that somehow captures it perfectly even though i would never have thought to describe it that way. sometimes piercing straight to the pint.
"Stolen time,
Curled into too short hair...
You framed it anyway
& I felt beautiful."
"That just didn't have
Floorboards like I remembered.
But we made it through.
& blew out birthday candles,
To pass the time."
"When I realized that love hurt
Worse in the heart
Than it did between my legs."
"Excuses could always cover
That.../Especially when
They were believable,
& made it seem
Like I loved you again."
there were a few spots i found slightly unclear
"I believed your smoke-spiral stories,
Of Christmas warm cookies,"- it took me a couple reads to figure this out, but i think maybe you meant "Of Christmas, warm cookies" (?)
"Smooth over the creases
In my skin,/ Blemishes making me the
Perfect example/ In your self-help books"- the placement of "Blemishes" and the phrasing of this throws me off a bit. does the fact that the speaker is trying to cover up her "blemishes" make her like the people in her mother's self-help book? or what her mother is trying to turn her into by following self-help books? perhaps something like
"Smooth over the creases in my skin
& blemishes just like the self-help books..."
or "Smooth over the creases in my skin
& blemishes to make me the perfect example
from the self-help books..."
it's more simplistic but i think it avoids some of the tangles you have right now.
anyway, excellent, probing piece, very well-done. -
Wow... this is incredible. I was thinking perhaps I shouldn't enter the contest because I haven't read the book the host spoke of... but now I think I shouldn't anyway because I could never write anything half this good. This is freeverse at its best, and the thoughts you express here are incredible. Fantastic write. Best of luck.
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Oh my God!
Everything is just so ridiculously amazing. The tragic, angsty lamentation, throbbing with such poetic poignancy, such brilliant wording and vivid images. You are so spectacular.
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This broke my heart in more ways than one. That ending is probably the most raw, powerful, amazing phrase that has made me feel more than I wanted to.
These lines:
"& I became a different side of
Sorrows coin,
No longer the safe bet"
The last line reminds me of a Brand New song, I forget the title, but anyway; I can relate to this so much. Some parents never comprehend the ways their child changes, and then to avoid conflict, the child ends up hiding who they are; which causes such horrible pain.
I like the correlation between the line you took the title from or vice versa. It asserts a lot of impact, and I think it makes the reader see exactly what's truly affecting the relationship with your mother.
This is so beautifully sad, and you made a personal poem without it becoming too boldly stated or whatnot.
This poem right here is how ALL Nostalgia should be. You are amazing.
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forgot these cool dudes
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Phew: you have some very strong and descriptive images in this poem and some of your ideas, especially throughout the middle, like framing your picture, are skillfully unique. I love the idea of the ending, which seems almost like a quote in some ways. You have a cool style... it is almost like you just write simple images in useful phrasing and it gives off some amazing imagery and emotions. Nice work... like your work
Ryan -
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Ha. Thanks. Although isn't my normal style at all. You're lovely.
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Stolen time,
Curled into too short hair,
But we laughed.
Even though my picture
That year
Was horrible,
You framed it anyway
& I felt beautiful.
I liked off-white christ better though
but this is amazing! -
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I changed it back to the christ part.
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hmm this is what iM looking for, great job
srsly awesome
LOVE IT!!
and thank you for following the rules =DDD -
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Thank you lovely.
I just changed a few of the lines, if you want to take another look.
If not that's fine too. Much love.
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