Extinguished
Honestly, she has you to thank for
always believing in thee;
Hand to heart, she’s always known
that you’re the love of her life
It’s never been a problem
for you to look past what you see;
Forever bound is what they shall be
as man and wife,
Struggling to triumph the obstacles they,
justly fight.
Hollow presence fills her days;
echo’s of ‘I love you‘;
Silent waterfalls pour down;
drowning a whimpers hush
When you walked away;
her heart left in shreds; without refute;
Trembling with
fear’s being alone;
Distraught;
utterly clinging to a ragged stone.
Genuine compassion;
when she was in pain; words hard to express;
Romantic stories melt into tissues of deception;
enduring what’s left;
Devotion; abruptly interrupted;
traumatized as her world seized to exist;
Castles and stallions became
haunted houses and gardens of evil;
Struggling through many dimensions;
overwhelmed is what she feels.
Honesty Abounds
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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The language and imagery are beautiful. I think you need to work more on structure. The over-abundance of punctuation and center-aligned format are lazy crutches - try using more or different line breaks, indentations, or conjunctive words to vary your transitions from one thought to the next. Bends and curves and hills instead of speed bumps, if you will. Don't be afraid to take risks with it. With such a stoic tone, the piece needs to not be infested with semi-colons if you want to pull the reader in all the way till the end.
Gren -
Ooh this poem struck me with chills because it was just so sharply penetrating, in the best way. I liked it, especially because it is an actual poem and it is written by somebody with TALENT and thats what I like in my poetry. Good job. You made my day.
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Versification can be of great importance.
eg. Honestly, she has you to thank for
always
might better read
Honestly, she has you to thank for always
so as to create a phrase or clause that carries weight in itself as well as in the greater context.
With fixed line-syllable verse this is one aspect of great art; in free verse it be no less so.
Also, there is an ambiguity in the line, a creation of uncertainty and expectation of revelation which will continue, as a feeling, beyond the next line.
Hand to heart, she’s always known that ... would be the next example of such.
*****************
On to other aspects.
you’re the love of her life. - Period omitted?
It’s never been a problem
for you to look past what you see;
Forever bound is what they shall be
as man and wife, - Who is (you) and who are (they) in this context? Is the (you) become estranged from the (they) of which (he?) were a member? A stanzal break could alleviate this difficulty (at see;/Forever).
I like the repeated use of ";" in 2nd stanza, as if echoing the waterfall image.
And a double
for doing it in spades in the 3rd.
Much as I like the form, the content lacks, IMHO. Another treatment, or as part of an extended series (say "Brush Fire", "A Fanning", "Aflame", etc, eg.), might flesh out what is a fragmentory phantom of familiarity for me.
Lastly: why no ";" after "stallions became"? It would double the meaning of that and the next line at very little cost.
MA
PS. I thought "Honest Abounds" was the last line for a mo'. Is it?
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Sadness born of Deceit
Sweet words of love and want fade in time like a cheap waterbased tattoo before vanishing completely!...The thrill of the chase is gone...the flavour of hastily uttered romantic oaths turns sour before the deceitful heart starts searching elsewhere for fresher fruits to satisfy their thirst for new blood...new wine!...but the faithful heart is deeply offended and feels the pain as sharply as a knife penetrating the flesh...and the soul!...and finally the mind!...Yet like the fabled pheonix it can rise from the ashes of disrespect and be reborn in a pure new love that salves the soul and heals the wounds of the past....your write betrays a deep sadness that may yet be overcome!...Peace and Love poet...regards Dan xxx
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