the door slammed a little harder
than usual when she came home
drenched in the smell of impatient
retail fucks whose tirades she wore all
too unwillingly, her face heavy with
runny mascara she couldn’t protect any
longer that sauna night
she collapsed on the roach-toilet
couch because we were too tight
to get a new one and begged me
to just turn my fucking music down
i yelled she was being a bitch and
felt her apt slap burning bright in
the back of my sweat-matted head
the fuck-me sex that night was great
Author notes
So I can't decide which of these to pick for that last line:
"take-me"
"love-me"
"fuck-me"
or something else, or nothing at all. Bah.
Won bronze in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2355938
The contest mentioned above called for a love poem that wasn't all lovey-dovey or flowery--rather, it wanted realistic love, with the fights and arguing and sometimes-ugly-moments that a loving relationship actually contains.
Won silver in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2367804
In a list
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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when did you start writing things like this? why haven't i been reading your recent stuff? i think i've been missing out ...
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so if it hasn't been decided already i think you should go with 'fuck me' for the last line...considering the situation preceding i think fuck works pretty fucking well
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I like the word "roach-toilet'....that's some clean imagery
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gee. this is stark lol. Still good though
I like the realness; and the fact that it doesn't drown in convoluted metaphor and excessive adjectives
~pt
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"longer that sauna night"--a bit over done with 'sauna nights' distracts from the flow.
Simple and to the point, for the most part not over doing it with adjectives (for the most part). The use of simple language doesn't hint at insecurity or inability, like it so often does. I think it could have been done better, but with all the crap I've read this is is relatively good. wouldn't win gold however, so we will see. -
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Nah, I don't expect it to win gold, or anything for that matter.
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I can see why you won in the other contests. My boyfriend and I have those ugly moments too... I'm not so much for make-up sex, but it can be amazing. I'm glad you've shown that love isn't all butterflies and pink bunny rabbits, because it's not. It's raw, real, and dynamic, just like your entry. Good luck, and thanks for entering.
Laura
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Hey again, Black Night. Heh, I remember reading this one from a few months back. It's as good as ever =)
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This is written in a really interesting way. It's good but not quite what I was looking for. Thanks so much for entering!
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Really edgy and original and a pleasure to read. Thanks for entering my contest, and best of luck.
David
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I definiely agree with using "fuck-me sex" or "fuck". The latter being slightly more rough, more dirty, and a hell of a lot more impatient. Plus, "love-me sex" sounds dainty, and dainty sex is boring.
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Oh Christ, you're bored again. How many points have you earned for your contest thus far?
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Only 93 from commenting. I actually wrote something for the first time in a year and a half, and won 100 for a bronze trophy.
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I vote for 'fuck-me'. But that's just me.
drenched in the smell of impatient
retail fucks
Just one of the parts I found extraordinary yummy. Yeah, this one should take it all the way home.
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Oh like this. Has a Desiree Darkk edge.
I'd just say:
the fuck that night was great
or something simple like that. but hey, that's me.
Goodluck oh Knighted One.
Lisa
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Whoo! I think I may have redeemed myself for that "Sake" poem. Thank you for the suggestion; another good idea I'll have the consider.
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lol Your author notes cracked me up. Bah. I feel that all too often. Honestly, any of those options work, though I'm a little partial to the "love me" sex, just because using the word "love" is contradictory to the harsh language used elsewhere. I ask to avoid the word "love" in the poem, lol, but I think it would be forgivable in this instance
Great read. I really enjoyed this one.
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Well, I had "love-me" up there for a short while last night, but decided to take it down and put something else up 'cause I couldn't decide what to use. I think I'd also had my author notes try to explain my using it and asking you not to kill me.
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I wouldn't have killed you. Only maimed you a little
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As long as my skull remains intact and on my neck, okay.
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I never leave visible marks
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That wink means you probably said that in a sexy voice. Sounds yummy.
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Well, for right now, not 'love-me' since that word is taboo in this contest. After the contest, though...I'm not sure. It really depends on what you're trying to say about their relationship. Does she want him to love her more, to make up for her unsatisfactory life? Or does she just want him to satisfy her physically and provide a distraction?
I think I'd probably prefer the 'love-me' option. It would probably give the poem a little more depth. -
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I suppose the answer would be a little of both. I just can't decide which would have more impact, but perhaps I'm just being picky again.
Thanks for the comment; that's "love-me" = 2, everything else = 0.
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I think "love-me" if you keep that line in the way it is. Maybe adding one more line of something there would help sum up the poem better? Just a suggestion.
TwT -
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I'm at the 15-line limit as it is; I like the rest of the poem too much to cut out something.
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Yeah, I didn't notice that. Good call then. Definately *love-me*.
TwT
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