She's moving and breathing;
A sculpture of sorrow
And I'll follow her
Until our last tomorrow
I'll hold onto her hands
And feel the sweet numbing
We don't know how soon
That tomarrow is coming
When this present is past
This void becomes haunted
Forever can't last
As long as she wanted
Condemned to this healing;
A curse to be stronger
I'm one of two souls
Who is doomed to live longer
My fists are clenched tight
Prepared for the worst
In fear of the reaper
'Cause he'll catch her first
When this present is past
And our time has decayed
Forever won't last
As long as we prayed
With heaven above us,
A rope we shall climb
A rope which is formed
By the sands of our time
When she's nearing the sky
A sad sight we'll see
I know she'll reach heaven
Quite long before me
When this present is past
It's the end of the rope
'Cause forever won't last
As long as I'll hope
And now I shall pray
For just one more day
How I wish she could stay,
But it must be this way
When our days have all passed
And our time went too fast
What will we do,
When forever won't last?
Author notes
Mid-June, 2007... My girlfriend and I want to stay with eachother forever, we said... I'd love to stay with her forever... But I look at her habits... drugs, smoking, not eating... she isn't healthy... and it makes me question how long our "forever" will last.
I read "Connection"
A contest entry
- The Dark Light.{{Personal Writes}} by bittertears.
1600 points, ended July 5, 2007, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~5 Options Contest~ by KorinaAngell.
450 points, ended July 4, 2007, 21 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do you have what it takes by LimelightLiason.
400 points, ended July 5, 2007, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options..Options..Options by fallenangel671.
1200 points, ended July 13, 2007, 56 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - This Heart ♥ It Beats. Beats For ONLY You. by Flutterby--x.
700 points, ended July 7, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Before I Pull This Trigger, Your Eyes Vacant And Stained. by Flutterby--x.
300 points, ended July 12, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre Writes and HM Winners.,,,ENTER here ONLY by The Lady.
340 points, ended July 31, 2007, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - YOU NEED THIS CONTEST by God is my reality.
375 points, ended July 31, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Go For The Win!! by Nephalaneous lover.
340 points, ended August 10, 2007, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - why by darkangelcutter.
375 points, ended September 3, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~*(~*~(~*~PRE WRITES OK!!!!!(~*~(~*~(SOMETHING SAD.....HEART TUGGING.....SOMETHING FULL OF FEELING.....NOTHING GROSS PLEASE!!! NO GORE THATS NOT SAD!!!! by xxlisajazminexx.
425 points, ended October 1, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sad depressing morbid poems by Chrissi.
300 points, ended November 20, 2007, 12 entries
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1200 points, ended May 19, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Sometimes no matter how much you love someone you got to realize as you are starting to the relationship is not helathy.
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this is a realy good poem i was think while i was reading and every stanza got better then the last
thank you for that read
i had a tear because it reminds me of my other half -
this is a really good poem
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This is so honest but sad. I think there are a lot of people who wonder how long forever lasts, because if you truly think about it, nothing lasts forever. This is in any situation. It's true. At least that's what I believe. Well, okay. Very authentic write.
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beautifully done.................
it is so hard to love someone who doesnt love thierself enough to try and take care of thier body........... such pain..... wonderfully done...... -
hey i know how this is and i feel for you this was me a couple of years ago, just believe in her and love could be stronger then drugs, eating disorders, and other things that is happening right now, i thougth that id never be able to get out of this yes i still cut from time to time and do some of my old habits but i am glad that i did those thing only cause of the fact that it made me stronger and made me want to help people out, if you ever need anything you know my name
talk to me
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Oh
my,
this is
b e a uuutyful =) -
I just noticed I commented on this beforehand. eh.
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Good job This poem is really good. I like the rhyme scheme and the clever use of words. you have excellent rhythm and a good flow. Great job, and good luck on the contest.
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in this life forever sadly ends but in the life to come it shall be a forever...
and I do thank you for the lovely sharing of these thine words with me here as well also...
. Rewarded 4
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"That tomarrow is coming" - "tomarrow" is "tomorrow".
"As long as we prayed" - the use of "prayed" seems the wrong tense, going with the lines above it. I feel this is a forced rhyme with "decayed".
I am sure it could be rewritten to make more sense.
"By the sands of our time" - the cliché would be "By the sands of time". Adding "our" doesn't make the cliché less, or the line better, or even unique.
"As long as I'll hope" - perhaps it's the line it's rhyming with that seems more forced, but, either way this line or that one should be rewritten to seem less forced.
Your rhyme pattern is a/b/a/b 'til the end, where it's a/a/a/a and a/a/b/a - which, normally would be fine but the way the second to last is written, or the last is written, should balance each other out in being the same pattern of rhyme. Just an opinion.
I feel this could be worked on in the rhyming. You force some words to go with the tense, yet doesn't actually come out that way; and the tense seems the biggest problem you have with this piece.
Within all that I did see a "moral" (without actually reading it in your author notes) that seemed to rest in a good premise but the form/rhyming just buries it all for me, and seems more of the backdrop than what I could focus on.
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so emotional. this is amazing. how long will forever actually last. i wonder this everyday with my boyfriend. we say forever, but will forever even last until tomorrow.
now you got me thinking.
but amazing job on this.
♥.love.
. Rewarded 4
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Wow.. such an emotional powerful poem. I loved the fusion of present past and future in your words, it was really good use of language, good work and keep writing
. Rewarded 4
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I was going to enter a contest against you, but I can't win against this.. you are so good at poetry.
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you for your kind words : )
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"When she's nearing the sky
A sad sight we'll see
I know she'll reach heaven
Quite long before me"
Awh;
Cute!
Nice write hun, I'm sorry,
Thank you for taking the time to enter my contest and the best of luck to you!
Sophie
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That is a beautiful poem. Thank you for entering it. Good luck!
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wow i loved this, this was an amzing poem and i'm glad you entered this in my contest, i enjoyed this poem and i loved how your words held me to the end and it was amazing and i hope you can sort everything out with her, i have a feeling Alex and I's relationship will some what be like this, but yah i loved this poem,
my favorite part would have to be:
When this present is past
It's the end of the rope
'Cause forever won't last
As long as I'll hope
And now I shall pray
For just one more day
How I wish she could stay,
But it must be this way
When our days have all passed
And our time went too fast
What will we do,
When forever won't last?
i loved this poem it was amazing and i loved this,
good luck in the contest
keep writing
~Ashley~<3
. Rewarded 8
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i really like this poem. im more of a free verse guy but the rhyme scheme in this poem was spectacular. it flowed like a babbling brook, and it just drew me in. great write. thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Rob -
this is beautiful...i like this alot...very awesomeness...wow... great job hun. and great write... love it Heather
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Beautiful
This is a Very Beautiful Write...I Loved the Emotion...This is one of the Best poems I've ever read...
. Rewarded 4
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I loved it
I admire how much you love her even with the problems I'm sure she struggles with. I think you did a excellent job on the poem and your rhyming could not have been any better. Great Job and Good luck.
. Rewarded 4
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WOW I LOVE IT!
WOW this is great!
ur rhyming scheme is brilliant
and it flows PERFECTLY!!!
i love ur style and ur poem has truley been taken 2 heart..
u did a great job pouring ur emotion into this piece and i can see many ppl loved it
keep up the great work
u rock!!!!
ttyl!
=)
~Natalie
. Rewarded 6
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First off, I have to say that I love the title to this...it suits it very nicely, and it makes me more emotionally open to the poem...perhaps because I've felt it so many times?
When our days have all passed
And our time went too fast
What will we do,
When forever won't last?
such an interesting dilemma...I wish someone had the answer to this...
wonderfully well written. I loved it -
Wow this is such a beautiful piece and truly inspired. I love how you used such imagery and emotion to really bring out what the poem wanted the reader to both feel and see. Very nice job here poet and I cannot wait to read more of your work
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When our days have all passed
And our time went too fast
What will we do,
When forever won't last?
This is a poem with great imagery and emotion expressed in the words. Great job and I hope you keep writing!
~Erin~ -
oh man
i feel you man. Hope her love for you will help her get over her problems. This world teaches us that everything has a happily ever after but that just not tue. My words of advice enjoy you time spent with her while you still can. -
Oh dear!
This makes me all depressed, knowing that this is happening. I know it must be hard to know that your forever may never last.
The feelings and pain you portray, saddens me greatly and I know you show true emotion for this girl. I know you want her to be there with you, but she may not because of those habits.
Great poem though and I am really happy I read it.
I hope the best for you and her! -
Great work
this poem is remarkable.i like it alot.im so sorry you're going through this,and if you begin to get that worried,you should get her help for these problems.trust me,she'll thank you later -
This is a very sad poem, and I feel for your pain. Best of luck to you.
The depressed themes were expressed beautifully, with the soft brutality that is reality. Not dramatically, rather poignantly, where the words matter and speak for themselves, so you don't have to.
~Isalie
. Rewarded 6
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AMAZING! best adjective I can think to describe this poem. Amazing.
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Well done
I am not surprised when I read this piece it seems very simply wrote, well done. But are you a word smith by spelling tommarrow. It is good I like vegtables but I think it is a mispelling, you might want to edit it.
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This is a lovely write, as always, but you spelled 'tomorrow' wrong. You have such a beautiful, raw style - good work & good luck in the contest.
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