Opening my eyes to yelling,
Smashing,
Breaking.
"You bastard..."
My mother's voice rising,
Her sobs still clear,
Unaffected by the paper-thin walls.
My head still foggy,
I try to awaken from my unsleep,
The screaming gets distorted
As slumber tries to take me
Once again.
SHATTER
Shaking my head,
Forcing it out,
Forcing myself to my feet,
Stepping,
One foot after the next
"Get out!"
The cinnamon sweet aroma,
The smell of my mother's pancakes,
The pan she cooks them in,
My father,
Both lying on the ground.
"Go back to bed..."
Whispers now,
Just whispers,
And the scent of cinnamon
On the air.
Author notes
TulipsWithThorns
"hash browns"
Fuliginous: dark, dusky
murky
Mind hazy, in a fuliginous state.
____
Option 3
______
Option 2
_____
Option 4
A contest entry
- Invited Only: Color Rounds: 2 : Dirty Brown by amaranthine lover.
390 points, ended July 3, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options..Options..Options by fallenangel671.
1200 points, ended July 13, 2007, 52 entries
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687 points, ended June 27, 2007, 15 entries
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630 points, ended July 10, 2007, 13 entries
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1100 points, ended July 16, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - optional/personality/time by mufrafra.
321 points, ended July 1, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anger and rage + a tear drop stain by okadadokie.
600 points, ended July 4, 2007, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [CONTEST] Round 1; Intriguing Personas, Impacted Lives by MissPennyLane.
300 points, ended September 20, 2007, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - let me know... by burning alive.
550 points, ended July 25, 2007, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - NO more SELFISHNESS. Best quickie in the world. by Rele anmwe.
300 points, ended July 7, 2007, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - biggest contest in allpoetry history! (i hope) need 1,000 entries!! by Gasp.
1300 points, ended July 11, 2007, 638 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Raven Qualifier - Dark: Anger, Angst and Goth by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 124 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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A fine kitchen drama, well narrated.
The first stanza zooming in on the innocent 3rd party, the offspring, trying in vain to shut out the audible sounds of trouble cooking.
The second bringing us to the scene of the crime. The floor, littered with injured (dead?) father and the weapon, describing the action better than words could.
The cinnamon reference was superb, bringing sound, sight and smell together to complete the telling of the tale, and indicating a sensory connection to future memory of the event.
Really good write, I wish you the best in the contest.
PJ ( Liltandrhyme - Indigo Child/OK Computer )
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Holy moly, this one is in a lot of contests...as it shouldbe. Wonderful write. Best of luck to you in all of these.
Bella
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This poem has obviously been written from a word bank for another contest but I think the author has created a poem that is intelligible and produces its story in a logical order. The scene it set in my mind was one of the hay confusion of waking from sleep to find a domestic argument taking place and from the feel in the poem I think this is a scene that had often been repeated. What I found unclear in this poem is who the victim actually was because the line “Both lying on the ground” gives the impression that it was both parents but then there is whispering after the incident. The only other reason I could find for the whispering was if the person was whispering to himself. The fact that I found this unclear isn’t a problem because I think it leaves the poem far more open to individual interpretation for other readers which gives it a wider audience to be appreciated by. The flow of the piece is good and having a small amount of dialogue brings it to life, adding the images the author puts on place.
Thank you for entering the Raven Contest 2007 and good luck with your entry! Your work may also be viewed by other Raven judges.
Northern Raven
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So many things coming together in a hazy memory - blended one into the next, all happening at the same time; the good and the bad and the ugly - interesting write.
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like living in a paper house
the whispers ruffled under -
childhood memory. Nice write
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Ohmegawsh
Oh my god....This has got to be one of the best poems i've read in ages...It rocks! It's so emotional -
very good! I really enjoyed that. just awesome man! GOD! This is so good! I love it. best of luck to you in the contest man.
-Angel- -
Whoa deep deep poem. Hard to comprehend. Though things happen this way sometimes. Thanks for the write. Luck be to you.
~Oka/KC -
Hmmmm, this is an interesting tale, i take t that this is option 4. i find this tale to be slightly scary in a wierd way, and if based on truth would be a terrifying situation to be in. i like the imagery that you have used and the highlighted words, well done.
good luck in the contest
kelbornro
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In line 24: “laying” should be “lying”
I think the only thing I didn’t like was the “smash” in stars in line 13. One, it looks strange and distracting, and two, you’re repeating the word. Might I suggest using a different onomatopoeia in all caps? Or maybe actually saying what the smash sound sounds like—like crashing dishes or breaking glass?
I like the concept of minimalist story-telling. Poetry is great for this, and you did a great job with giving just enough information for readers to figure out what’s going on. I really like the word “unsleep.” And I like the calmness of the third stanza, and how it contrasts so much with the rest of the poem. The last two lines are also a wonderful ending. You’ve captured the essence of ‘hazy.’ The slight confusion of not knowing all the details and history definitely adds to the crazed atmosphere.
-K -
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Thanks for the suggestions. I tried what you said about subsituting *smash* and instead used the term SHATTER. I agree, it adds more to the poem. Thanks for taking the time to comment as thouroughly as you did, I appreciate the input.
TwT
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Good choice of words, nice flow. Cinnamon, huh? A little bit of cinnamon is good, too much is disgusting. I don't know which one applies to this poem. I have to think about it.
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An interesting poem AND a vocabulary lesson; double win. Love the poem throughout, and the end--very well done. Dun dun dun...
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I'm sorry I didn't get it. The title was intriguing although I don't know what that means.
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Haha, I explained the title in my @ notes. I'm sorry you didn't understand this write, maybe you will in a later time.
TwT
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a very sad, almost live action, tale of tragedy. But there is always innocence in cinnamon.
Well done,
Creatress -
awesome loved how you described the events..excellent. awesome job..
my favorite part would have to be
Opening my eyes to yelling,
Smashing,
Breaking.
"You bastard..."
My mother's voice rising,
Her sobs still clear,
Unaffected by the paper-thin walls.
excellent write dear,
good luck in the contest
keep writing
~Ashley~<3 -
Is this event something thats true that happened? because if so it makes it so much more readable.. Even though, its perfectly written I must say! I love how through all the anger and raged you focused on the smell of cinnamon. Wonderfully done!
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interesting abstract write, keep writing
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Gah, I just realized my SN wasn't in the A notes in the colour poetry. There you go.
Poem: Fuliginous
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wow.....
that is quite interesting....
i....... dont know what to say.
but i liked it.
♥dyei
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Well, I appreciate you trying. But, as usual, I always appreciate feedback. Is there anything I could add/ remove that would make this work better?
TwT -
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theres nothing wrong with it.
i was just speechless.
like... when something is so overpowering
you don't know just what to say,
when you try... it just doesn't come out at all.
yeah... thats what it was.
but all in all...
you did a radiculous job!
♥ -
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Ah, I was hoping that's what it was. Thank you.
TwT
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