Can you see behind me that girl I Use to be?
That girl I was before Ana called to me.
This mask of perfect beauty mars my small
soul.
And she whispers boundlessly to me.
That she will make me whole.
She calls for me in the night.
Filling my head with lies.
A skinny girl is a loved girl.
Give me the rest of your life.
Can You See Past My Bones To Me,
The me I use to be?
To the me I was before I spread my thighs
for him to see.
She told me he would love me.
That he would always care.
Because I was perfect for him to see,
Me there
Can you see I'm dying,
Both Sides Of Me.
I'm Only 16 I Really Shouldn't Be
But Ana's Voice Called Out To Me.
Now I Join The Choir Of Ana's
Little World. To Sing Her Song Of
Sorrow And Live Her Life Of Lies
It Shan't Be Long, No, Before I Say GoodBye.
Can you see behind me that girl I Use to be?
That girl I was before Ana called to me.
This mask of perfect beauty mars my small
soul.
And she whispers boundlessly to me.
That she will make me whole.
Author notes
♥ Cure My Tragedy ♥
Option 3
A contest entry
- |Cure My Tragedy| ♥ by Dead Star--x.
525 points, ended July 23, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything by Nam.
900 points, ended August 25, 2007, 97 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
♥ Cure My Tragedy ♥
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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First, you should left-align this piece, not have it centered.
"Can you see behind me that girl I Use to be?" - "Use" should be lowercased and also it would be "used", you're speaking in past-tense, so "used to be" would be correct.
"Can You See Past My Bones To Me,
The me I use to be?" - capitalizing every word in the first line does not accentuate the line, at all. It makes it more distracting than anything to the rest of the format of the piece.
Also, second line "use" would be "used".
I see that you did it for every line in the 4th & 5th parts; which if you didn't do it before (or after) with the one lines, then those would standout but really, it's not needed. It's not really integral to your piece, at least not from the "readers" point-of-view. It's makeup that doesn't need applied except in certain areas and since yours seems all over the place, nothing becomes unique in such regard and everything becomes cliché.
"It Shan't Be Long, No, Before I Say GoodBye." - "Shan't" ? If you're going to use such words, I would suggest "shall not" - spell it completely out, and do not use words above the vocabulary of the poem itself.
Last part, first line - "use" is "used".
I am not an expert on punctuation which is why I mainly leave it out of my critiques when commenting; however, yours is all over the place that it makes me see that you're less of an "expert" than me, in such regard. Some of your periods should be commas or semi-colons, some shouldn't even be there, and one place where you leave it empty should be a period because it ends the line.
The only suggestion I can give on the puncutation is, if you do not know it, try using less of it, or none of it, not more of it.
What I did register of what the poem was about (which wasn't much) was simplicity at the core of loss yet in some innerself, gain.
This needs a lot of work in structure, form, etc., before the "story" can shine through - for a person like me, well, perhaps not like me but a person who can recognize the errors over the story. Some don't care but I wouldn't consider them writers of poetry nor readers, either.
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This mask of perfect beauty mars my small
soul.
And she whispers boundlessly to me.
That she will make me whole
i luv the repitition of this line--it makes Ana seem like a real person & somtimes it feels that way
thanx for entering & hearts; good luck!
-Cure My Tragedy- -
wow I love it! This is my favorite stanza
She calls for me in the night.
Filling my head with lies.
A skinny girl is a loved girl.
Give me the rest of your life.
"A skinny girl is a loved girl" thats so true. -
I just want to say that it's amazing how people live such parallel lives. An author may think they are just writing an idea they had when, in reality, they are writing the exact story of someone's life. True poets either have a sixth sense or an amazing understanding of life.It was well written I guess it relates to the feelings , and everyone else.....
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Thanks, It Is The Exact Story Of My Life.
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