And that time I pushed past you...
I could feel the cold wall that I had built between us,
I couldn't feel anything else,
I just pushed past you,
Because...
I didn't want you to know
That it bothered me.
I didn't want to show any
Weakness.
Because, I'm not helpless,
I'm just...
Lost
I'm lost,
Yeah,
I'm just lost,
Like a child in the supermarket
Who couldn't keep hold of their mothers hand...
I'm just lost...
I'm not helpless,
At least.. I don't think I'm helpless...
Even if I wanted to care...
The words just don't linger within me
Not those heartfelt words anyway,
They don't leave my red lips...
They just leave me defenceless,
I can't speak the words inside of me,
Because, they make me helpless,
And then everyone would see that I'm
Just a baby kitten...
They make me so guilty,
So hateful,
So hated,
For caring about someone so much...
Enough,
Enough for them to hurt me,
Like you did.
You hurt me.
And I, I hate myself for it,
For ever trusting you
With my heart.
I let you hurt me
By telling you,
By saying sorry to you,
When it was you who hurt me,
I never tried to hurt you...
And I forgave you,
But you wouldn't forgive me,
I was so stupid to
Think I
Needed you like that..
Did I really need you?
I hate myself for that.
And maybe I'll hate myself forever...
Maybe I'll be haunted because
I want to say something,
I want to fix everything,
I want to know what really happened..
I'd just like to understand.
And that's why...
That's why I don't feel like going on...
Because I know you, and everyone else
You'll forget me,
But, I don't think,
I'll ever forget you.
The damage has been done,
The wounds have been made,
Deep and unforgiving as the weapon was.
Friendship ruined me.
Not one to give up but...
I'm not sure if this type of wound,
Will ever heal...
I'm just so tired now,
And my legs feel like rock beneath me,
So unreal.
And my lungs feel so empty,
And my heart feels so full..
Full of something,
Like rotting alive,
So clostrephobic.
And all the pain stabs it's way out of my fingers,
Into these meaningless letters,
Giving them life,
Pain,
Thoughts,
Feelings,
Memories.
And it hurts so bad.
But I don't think the tears help
When they remind me of your name..
I tried to blank it out before,
But my mind plays the memory again-
And that time I pushed past you...
I could feel the cold wall that I had built between us,
I couldn't feel anything else,
I just pushed past you,
Because...
It was the only way to show you,
To show somepart of you at least,
It was the only thing I could do
To show that it really hurt me.
And it hurts so bad.
But I know I'll probably always
I hate myself for caring.
Author notes
Ha ha, maybe I'm emotionally damaged or something? A 14 year old who is emotionally damaged.. We probably all think we are.. I suppose in a way we all are. I've been told that everyone goes through this type of thing/feeling at least once in their lifetime.. I just kind of wonder.. If it hurts this bad, I wonder how anyone else who feels/felt the same way continues.. I just really don't know if I can, 'continue' at this point... I mean, I'm not one to give up, and wave the white flag but.. In my own twisted way, if anyone still cares, maybe that's winning..? No.. I guess what I'm getting at here is, well, I just don't feel right. This time last year I didn't want anything to change, ever, I wanted to stay in those moments forever, because those days were the happiest days I had had, for a long while.. I had struggled, and I thought I was past the bad times.. I suppose I thought wrong, I mean, now, sitting here, I don't want to go back to those times, not with those people who hurt me, but, I don't really want to continue into the future, I don't really want tomorrow to arrive and whisk me back into the bad, I just want to sit and think for a while, I just want to do what I enjoy doing, writing and drawing... I don't really want to talk.. But I want everything to go back to normal, whatever normal is, I'd just like some normality back. I'm just not sure if anyone really cares, if friendship really exsits, I mean, I have friends, and a really great friend.
Rae ~
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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i can relate to the max!
I love this really!. it reminds me of a past relationship damn hehe she was wonderful, and as the title says "i think i hate myself for caring" well she made me realized that i hate myself for caring for her..
"I let you hurt me
By telling you,
By saying sorry to you,
When it was you who hurt me,
I never tried to hurt you"
This reminds me the time i cried infront of her to say sorry for my shortcomings yet in the end she was the one who hurt me.
"But I don't think the tears help
When they remind me of your name..
I tried to blank it out before,
But my mind plays the memory again"
Well the lines say it all already hehe..
and you know you can't go back to the better days whats to be enfold will be inevitable so whats next should be embrace and prepared on for better or worst..
-Kara-
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