Men
Made of plastic
An angel
Only cut-out and drawn
Snow falling
Frost forming
Upon pink nose and lips
Ears ripped and frozen
Heart beating slower and slower in time with harsh winds
Coat, torn and stained
Nails broken and bleeding
Fallen gracelessly upon the wooden trough
One last whimper
Then nothing
No glimmer of hope no matter how slight
An angel
Crying
The lord only knows how
As he looks down upon the silent frame
Of a kitten in the snow...
A contest entry
- almost a quickie-.! I need a family :( by thelovesongwriter.
320 points, ended June 25, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything you want! Prewrites allowed! by HugsForEveryone.
410 points, ended July 7, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me Everything you've Got by CrystalJet.
600 points, ended March 14, 2008, 318 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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No Comment Bambi (No).
Ken dolls, GI Joes, so far I suppose.
*YaY* for teddy bears!!!
an angel/cut out and drawn - like a joker to discard from the pack?
Gaps can add a lot to comprehension.
A matter of technique, but I know myself I used to be averse to reducing meaning, only to find that in clarifying, I added unseen dimensions.
eg.
Men
Made of plastic
An angel
Only cut-out and drawn
Snow falling
Frost forming
Upon pink nose and lips
Ears ripped and frozen
Heart beating slower and slower in time with harsh winds
Coat, torn and stained ... and so on.
This three-fold form (I like the idea of "Form follows function frees one to efficiency", {{sometimes: in art, there are no absolute rules, as in life, I expect you know or believe}}} is perhaps stoop-id if repeated too much, but there may be meaning beyond the words connoted thereby...
Coat - is that the personality, or persona, one discards, especially fresh from drenching rain (reign - homonymics: another poetic device - apologies if I suck eggs, Grand Mother, but I have only just read your poetry)?
"...stained
Nails, broken and bleeding...": The comma may even suggest a crucifixion, which adds to meaning, without detracting.
What about "Crying and lying as", to suggest there may be an element of self-deception or pessimism in the previous line. (Sometimes it is good to lose and move on. Especially when you're a kitten in the snow).
The end ellipsis may be attractive, but it is traditionally considered bad form. I'd rather not go into why here: I use them myself, but avoid them when I can. reference.com has a decent definition, which allows one to understand why one best avoid them (basically, it suggests weakness on the part of the author, unless used properly, sort of like a withdrawl in the face of one-to-three odds: rarely done. But as Bruce Lee said, "I got no style, man."
Almost a quickie. Hmm. Contest entry poems have an added frisson which the punch line after the poem adds to one's comprehension.
Anyway, I go on at length...
Not a quickie...
I applaud the versification (choice of line breaks) and the words chosen to juxtapose.
MA.
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So sad and heartfelt
I loved that words you used to express those feeling.
Very unique and profound. Great write
lISA
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Good
You were kind enough to read and comment on one of my works, so I thought I would return the favor. This is a sad story the tugs at the heart strings. Your imagery is so well done, the reader is immediately drawn into the scene. All I can say is, well done.
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AAW! That is SO sad. I love it!
(lol)
I really liked this poem, and what caught me most was when you said the kitten was in the snow
I loved this poem!
Nice job! Thanks for entering
I hope you enjoyed my contest! I wish you the best of luck!
~Pandy
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