You don't know if it's snow outside
or just floating spots on your retina
You don't know if it's just marks on the window
Or if theres even a window there
You don't know if thats blood in the snow
A dead body, stirringly familiar.
Your eyes don't move, just stare, survey.
You see, but you are equally blind.
You don't know if that man out there,
Lying motionless in the white,
Was the one you found last night,
With your wife.
She was driven to the brink,
said you had become someone else.
All those sleepless nights,
said she couldn't live like this.
You don't even know if you have a wife.
Don't know if you killed her too.
Don't know if that was all a dream,
Or if you really pulled the trigger.
You.....you don't even care anymore
You don't know if that young face
Smiling, and sitting opposite you
Is your daughter or your carer
Don't know if you have a daughter
Don't know if you need a carer
You look outside again, rub your eyes,
Your vision blurs for a moment then clears.
Yes, you can see it now, it is snowing
And that's not a body out there,
Just a frosted log and red leaves.
There is a window there, and no,
It doesn't have marks on it.
Just a chilly winter morning, no
Nightmare here.
You look back to the face sitting opposite,
But it's not smiling anymore, the eyes
Are wide open.
A drop of blood in the corner of the mouth
A knife sunk deeply into the heart
No more rise and fall, only a blade.
A pool gathers deliberately on the floor,
And she looks right through you.
You seem to keep saying to yourself,
"if only i could wake up from this nightmare"
Some days you think you're getting close
But then you realise
You're only dreaming
About waking up
Author notes
it's kind of hard for me to specify exactly what im trying to do when i write. I was going for something a bit more alternative than my usual tone, with a flavour of blurriness.
I think the underlying tone is that no matter how many times we rub our eyes, and think that what we see is reality, it all may as well be a dream, that nothing is truth, and everything is warped by our realities, stuck inside a dream within our own heads that we can't wake up from.
A contest entry
- I wrote better than that one!!! by Tattboyspet.
800 points, ended September 28, 2007, 23 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Write Mania by Chelsea Void.
600 points, ended October 1, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites that dont suck. by parachute fog.
400 points, ended October 20, 2007, 98 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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very interesting
i loved the set up and wording of the whole thing. it flowed very nicely. i love the lines
A drop of blood in the corner of the mouth
A knife sunk deeply into the heart
No more rise and fall, only a blade.
A pool gathers deliberately on the floor,
And she looks right through you.
i loved the imagery in these lines and the last line really pulls it all together. excellent write. -
Interesting!
Well I'm not sure it all works. I actually thought that what you were trying to say in your author notes would have been better achieved by continuing the tone of the opening stanzas, rather than the violence / 'oh, I woke up and it was all a dream' kid-ending.
I like what you've tried for here, just feels the window needs a wipe
. Rewarded 6
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wow
I really like this. It is a bit of a horror but it conveys the idea so well that I can't see it being any other way. -
I really, truly liked the idea, but I think it could do with a lot of refining. The blurriness was evident but it was rushed in a way that lost the reader especially since the lines and stanzas were choppy. The imagery could be so much more vivid as well. I think you have a great start, but much improvement could be made
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I enjoyed this - and you didn't win anything with it???
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ohhhhh ho ho! Nice twist at the end.. you really had me going there.... You cast out your word web and held me spellbound for a few minutes and Let me tell you.. I enjoyed it! thanks so much for sharing!! the last part was the bestestess...
J~~
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