the winter gray steals away
the last gaudy gay colour
and the mist swirls like calliope notes
through empty spaces and bared corners
where kisses were but brief summer dreams
a gull eyes a choco pie wrapper
in the clutches of a dying weed
Author notes
inspired by the Ted Hughes' last stanza of "The Seven Sorrows":
And the seventh sorrow
Is the slow goodbye
Of the face with its wrinkles
that looks through the window
As the year packs up
Like a tatty fairground
That came for the children.
A contest entry
- T. Hughes - Seven Sorrows to choose from... by truembrace.
600 points, ended July 5, 2007, 4 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Stellar.....................!:O
I can honestly say that I don't think I've read anything like THIS..........uh...ever? Or in a long time.
Beautifully laid out, hemmed for pertinent
detail, yet alliteration doesn't 'shrug' the
kind of loneness this bequeaths. Finally....
~~ starched to perfection~~~
Favorite line with balanced visuals to
fit the alliterations. Nice consonants,
and 'pretty' vowels. ...gives the mouth
something to 'croon' about.
a gull eyes a choco pie wrapper
in the clutches of a dying weed
Gorgeous. I vote for this one.
:
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I'm quite stunned reading this. You have magnified the sense of emptiness we all experience at times in our lives to utter perfection. Your words appear to have been carefully selected for maximum impact, and it works, effectively and impressively so.
You leave the reader in no doubt about the mood or tone. The depth of despair is emphatic,and the imagery utilised is striking. That final two lines were quite brilliant in context, and I found myself thinking " Jesus, I've been there once or twice"..
You should submit this in to Niederngasse or the Cortland review (or some similar online well established poetry magazine). Get it out there and watch the encouragement flood in. Enjoyed this. Fantastic piece of writing :-)
I do keep my promises, I'm just a little slower at doing so than most others -
this so perfectly fits the last stanza of the fair having closed, with the remorse of small children looking through the panes as though all of their time to be just that (children) is gone.
nicely done with this poem. there is solid use of alliteration throughout the poem - but not so much that in its succinct form that we are focused more on the sounds rather than the imagery.
thanks so much for entering this into the contest.
well done...
Kim -
Absolutely excellent work
Paradoxal, the empty spaces left by happiness may become melancholy and fleeting kisses and a restless rustle of wrappers and forgotten glitter. Oh! The Fair ... and its anticlimax in aftermath ... Thank God life will be freed by Life ...
Brilliant work, RC
Love
Myra
@>->>-------
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