A transient fog rolls from his mouth
Twisting around his effortless speech,
Holding a lilting accent of it's own.
His words lie stranded,
Entwined within the lingering film,
Suspended in time between us both.
'Fucking bitch'
Spelled out in residual smoke,
Returning his words ten-fold,
Before the smoke has time to clear,
Barbed curses spilling forth,
Piercing the thin veil which begins to drift,
dissipating - his words with it.
The night air seems clearer,
as finally our gazes cross paths
Reflecting in another light,
Eyes recalling old friends, forgotten, but not lost
The distance shortening with each draw,
The embers of his cigar, rekindling a blaze
Old words fading, as ash in the breeze.
We meet in the middle,
Surrounded by grey tinted clouds
A swirling shroud within which we can never be found.
Author notes
Trying to shake off writer's block at 5 a.m. might not have been the best plan. Oh well, better that nothing I hope.
A contest entry
- Swear Words and Cigar Smoke by zillion.
300 points, ended June 25, 2007, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
transient fog feels a bit redundant, and trying to picture it twisting around speech is rough
the capitalization of each line gave me pause. 'Piercing the veil' is cliche unfortunately
'seems clearer' -> make it be clearer. 'gazes cross paths' -> 'gazes cross'.
Interesting piece, strong sense of mystery and unveiling and I can feel the fuzzy 5am inspiration nicely
-
pretty good
not one of my favorites but all in all a good write. the images were a little bland in some points but do come back and scream in your face at other times. the main topic is a little drowned out in some places but also come back with a vengeance at others. keep it up penner -
Thank you for entering htis, I had about given up hope. lol I was hoping to read something like this in this contest. Something blunt and clever, but not over-the-top. This is it.
Adding your comment:
