Through the back
window, I watch
how still
bamboo
is against the wind
and wonder
why it doesn't give up
head the other way
while the small
orange tree
breaks
and is lost, though
it had
more to offer.
In a list
A contest entry
- 55 words... (one day only) by AJ Morelli.
500 points, ended July 2, 2007, 31 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
-
you are amazing...
gosh i have nothing else to say
I'm stunned
-
-
Thanks Adrian.
I found you out in your poem 'A fi yu world' (forgive me if I misquoted the title). I read it about an hour ago but didn't get the chance to leave a (proper) comment since I'm a bit busy at the moment.
-
-
A nice poem that you have written here.
-
-
Thank you.
-
-
Oh, I really liked this one too. Congrats.
-
-
Thank you so much! Congrats to you as well. I haven't got a chance to read through the other poems yet, but I saw you're in as well.
-
-
incredibly beautiful
I can see why this won! intriguing, great imagery, just beautiful... an excellent job with this short and poignant piece... I cannot find anything about it that I do not like! very well done!
-
Congrats on the gold! This has a Japanese flavor that is quite delicious.
I've been waiting to comment on this til the contest was over. Though the contest called for 55 words you could now consider some editing for poetic reasons.
You could consider cutting this line:
and is lost, though
and move right from:
breaks
into
it had more to offer.
That would really give "breaks" power and "show" without "telling", more in line, I think with the rest of the piece.
And if you really wanted to go spare, nearly haiku you could consider taking yourself out of the picture altogether:
Through the back
window,
how still
bamboo
is against the wind
the small
orange tree
breaks
it had
more to offer.
Again, congrats on the gold. I think you have something here that is worth exploring. If you workshop poems anywhere outside of AP, I'd bring this along for your next meeting.
Lisa
-
A very smart write; there are so many times 'the good die young'..
excellent metaphor. Congratulations.
-
Yay, well done stace
-
-
thanks Jess
-
-
This is beatifull, simple yet vivid imagery, and even elegant in the way you played the scene out with your words. Its beautiful. Congrats on first you deserved it.
-
Congrats on your gold! Such simple imagery, but absolutely fantabulously woven into an elegant conglomeration of words and feelings. Much deserved win.
-
-one of my favorite AP poems in my time here..
this is wonderful
m -
I love this poem.
al -
excellent...
-
I love your perspective in this write...it gives something to think about (although, I've never seen either in their natural state) Excellent penning!
-
-
Thanks hun. Being from the Caribbean, I'm fortunate enough to have seen both and many more "exotic" things in their natural state.
-
-
oh, this is wonderful... wonderful
m
-
Lovely... although in places the form felt a little choppy..
This is a really nice piece.. your short ones always are
jess........
-
-
Hey Jess, it's sooo good to see you "back"(?)
I'm not sure what areas seemed choppy, maybe it was the intentional "haphazard" (for want of a better word) breaks to reflect the windiness. Hopefully that clears it up.
Thanks for dropping in hun.
-
-
so nice, nature chooses strength, we choose beauty, and the possibilities make wonderful poetry...PK
-
perfect.
loved this
-
i love the line endings and the premise (of more to offer) although that depends on your perspective and you took my mind everywhere ... so many possibilties and analogy ...nicely done >>> gina
-
Bamboo has fascinated me with its strength, while it is the orange that has given me more flavor. And, your poem is well done.
Adding your comment:
1 - 25 of 25
