Start of my feelings today

As I sit here with lots to do, I wonder why I feel so blue.
I feel it inside me, not sure why.
I wish I could explain, this feeling I have inside.
But until it exposes itself I do not know what to say.
It is just there, making me hurt, wish to make it stop.

The time is growing near, it soon will be here.
As I see it I will not be able to coup.
It’s still a few weeks away and I keep trying to make them see
that I would rather not be here.
But no one listens, no one hears.
Do they not understand the pain it will cause when the time has come?
I don’t know (that seems to be my favorite line today) if they do or not.
I just don’t want to deal with it and it makes me sad.

I wonder if Mom can hear me and if she will help.
Actually after almost 2 years she has not.
Maybe this heaven they say she is at does not exist.
Maybe she is just dead.  That makes better sense to me.
Cuz if she was in heaven wouldn’t she be able to tell me somehow?
They say that they can.  I don’t know, not anymore.

Well here it comes, this damn tears.  Damn how I hate to cry.
What's worse is I don't know why.
What am I thinking, to make me feel sad?  Do I wanna let it out,
or keep it locked inside?  Well I keep everything else in.
Might not be a bad idea.

So is there a doctor in the house to help to diagnose me?
To help me bring out the feelings hiding inside.
My heart is an open book so why can't I figure out my feelings?
Maybe it's just the absence of my Mom that brings me down today.
It happens sometimes you know.
You miss the ones that have left you behind.
I do everyday.  Mom and Gram and Lee, I miss them alot.
But mostly Mom, tho I didn't think it would be so bad.  Goodness the pain is awful.  Child birth is nothing compared to the pain of watching your Mom die in front of you.  Her laying there not moving, eyes wide open, the blood flowing in her eyes.  You think that it will be ok, "God" would never allow this.  But then you have to pull the plug. WTF!  That really sucked!

It's all coming back, but why today?  Too much to do and so much to say.
I know you think, what a moody Lady.  I would have to agree.
So here is my question to you....How do I fix it...Can you tell me why I cry...Why I miss "You" and haven't even left yet?

~Tiz the end, the end my friend~