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[Break-up] [Breakdown]



It once started at an end
Breaking all so naught can mend
Splitting, shrieking, violent screams
Are they real or are they dreams?

Liar, Liar, yes, you are
Guilty for my every scar
Fabricate your lies again
Baby, do you feel my pain?

Pulling, tugging, at my heart
Slowly tearing me apart
Ripping skin out from the bone
And you would have never known

Words confine me to this place
These memories won't be erased
Dirty, little, pretty girl
Don't you see you've lost your world

Close your ears when nothing's said
It is all but in your head
Crashing, crushing, do you mind?
You're the loss that none will find

You have lost. Accept defeat.
You can't win against deceit
So pick up that rusty knife
End the trash that you call life

Baby, fade into pitch black
Please, just leave, and don't come back
Vanish, sweetie, disappear
No one ever wants you here

 

Author notes

Tyler Bakes Cakes Too Much

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 36 of 36

  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    June 17

    Edit | Reply
    Sounds like the things people have said to me I was too afraid to listen to. They only said it to hurt and that it did.


  • Vintage Chiffon
    April 9
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    OOO I love this . So cruel at the end but it's great!


  • KelsiEvermore
    March 23

    Edit | Reply

    Great job! I love this!

    I love this part:
    It once started at an end
    Breaking all so naught can mend
    Splitting, shrieking, violent screams
    Are they real or are they dreams?

    And this part:
    You have lost. Accept defeat.
    You can't win against deceit
    So pick up that rusty knife
    End the trash that you call life


  • sarah.k
    January 27
    Edit | Reply

    great!

    You really hit it all on the nail.
    I can feel your raw emotions.
    I love it!


  • IneptRose
    January 1

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    Woow, this was amazing. You portrayed the emotions perfectly. It flowed smoothly throughout the entire poem. Well done!


  • DarkLotus4Life.
    December 25, 2008

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    Woww.. amazing emotion through the entire thing.. I loved it. I'd have to put you in the finals..
    Except.. you missed the last rule 'broken' was to be written in authors notes. If you go back and fix it b4 Januany 1- let me know and I can add you to the finals.
    Thankyou for entering my contest...


  • c e ll a r . d oo r
    October 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm really enjoying this trip into your older pieces, its really allowing me to see your depth & brilliance as a write; also, how much you've changed & grown as a writer!

    I loved the flow & rhythm of this, it had a beat to it & it never once skipped or fumbled. The emotions & images in this are so great, I love how you approach the self injury in the end instead of the entire poem being "oh my, i'm so heartbroken i could kill myself". Lol.


    ♥


  • Brit-Girl
    August 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is a fantastic poem! I really love the raw emotions and the rhyme was so so professionally done it didn't hinder the flow at all!
    really great poem,
    thank you for your entry!

  • xxRainbowDawnxx
    May 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thsi poem is so strong and emotional, I feel exactly the same. I love the italic bits as well, sort of the sound of someone else, who is giving you the pain and insulting you. It's so sad and I feel every ounce of it, as it's how I feel. Beautifully presented, so raw and heartbreaking.


  • whyiamialone911
    May 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    My god. This is really really good. I'm fussy about poems but this one took my breath away.
    Favorite lines--> Dirty, little, pretty girl
    Don't you see you've lost your world...
    This is just too good! I wish I could write like this..


  • nobodys-girl
    April 20, 2008

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    this is amazing! i am speechless! "Liar, Liar, yes, you are Guilty for my every scar" deff my favorite lines! thankyou so much for entering my contest and best of luck!

  • DarkRomantic113
    April 14, 2008

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    Excellent work again.
    This poem has potential to be sung. I found myself reading it in rhythm.


  • Lost-Lezzy-15
    February 11, 2008

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    BREAK-UPS ARE HELL! I MISS T----- SOOOO MUCH! IT'S NOT FAIR! I have to say you captured this tragedy perfectly! Awesome work!

  • PersuingHappyness
    October 20, 2007
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    Very nice... I love the rhyth and ryhme through out the whole piece... I'm usually very hard to please with these sort of poems... I have already had to give many bad critiques on rhyme poems in this contest but this was very well crafted and a delight to read.. Thank you so much for entering.


  • Heartbeatsxfading
    October 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this poem, ALOTTTT!!!!!

    lol this has so many good parts and only a few rough.

    "Splitting, shreiking, violent screams
    [Are they real or are they dreams?]"

    "Dirty, little, pretty girl
    [ Don't you see you've lost your world ]"

    "Crashing, crushing, do you mind?
    { You're the loss that none will find }"

    "You have lost. ~Accept defeat~
    You can't win against deceit"

    "Vanish, sweety, dissappear
    [ No one ever wants you here ]"

    though dissappear should be disappear.

    But this is the best yet!


  • Madison Mary
    October 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really loved this piece. The only thing I would change (and it's entirely up to you whether you take my suggestion or not) would be the last line. I thought maybe 'even' as opposed to 'ever'? Otherwise change 'wants' to 'wanted'? Up to you though. Thanks for this beautiful read.


  • ccavd
    September 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    perfect

    wow this is amazing, it seemed like you took the words out of mouth about whats going on with me in real life right now, it is sad but it is perfect, great job and keep up the good work!!!


  • Felix BlackHeart
    August 31, 2007

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    omg. that was a very good poem. very intense if I do say so myself. thanx for entering and good luck!

  • Heartbeatsxfading
    August 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is the most amazing poem I have read that has a rhyme sceme to it.

    The rythm is almost flawless.

    God... This is fantastic!


  • tawk gold member
    August 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Hood-Winked!

    Wow what a powerful write. So full of wonderful emotion and imagery You are such a talented writer never put down your pen

    You have just been Hood-Winked courtesy of the Poetic Bandits


  • AshliiAsphyxiation
    August 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this is awesome like whoa! xx


  • ImogenSky
    June 30, 2007
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    absolutely wonderfully astonishing. I loved this one, and your play of words.


  • trista gold member
    June 30, 2007

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    Not to sound like a broken record, but this is (once again) freaking awesome! This is one of my favorite styles that you write in both for the rhythm and rhyme. The words come fast and furious, pounding the same way emotions come and seem to hit me in wave upon waves sometimes, especially the painful ones.

    I am in complete agreement with Joyce...I would love to see you do something more with your writing. All of your writes come across as having been fine-tuned with careful attention to detail, yet looking and sounding efortless. I know I'd be first in line to buy a book filled with your poetry - so think about it! (Which I know you have. )

    "Baby, fade into pitch black
    Please, just leave, and don't come back
    Vanish, sweety, dissappear
    [ No one ever wants you here ]"

    That is such a perfect ending. I can relate to the entire poem, but those lines especially hit home...and that is what great poetry is meant to do - end with something that will long stick in the reader's mind. This goes into my list of favorite poetry by other poets!

    Much love,
    ~J.


  • DareU2Byourself
    June 28, 2007

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    Rusty knife... eesh! Crazy painful feelings it gives me!! Not the knife or cutting part, the part that it's rusty. Anyway. Wonderful write, sweetheart. There are many absolutely exquisite lines in this piece. Great flow and rhymes throughout. Thanks for sharing; I'm glad you're here. Best wishes. Take care.


  • kooleyes
    June 26, 2007

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    wow what an amazing write. Its perfect. Your emotions come throught loud and clear. The rhyming is great. Thank for the read and keep on writing


  • Dark Whispers
    June 24, 2007

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    I always end up wandering to your page and every time I read something great. you have a lot of talent.great write


  • suicidal-revenge
    June 23, 2007

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    wow this is my favorite
    i love the rhyming in it
    its very powerful and full of emotion


    -suicidal revenge-


  • Loveandblessings2u gold member
    June 23, 2007

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    Outstanding Job

    Sometimes I find your writes to be just too good for words, this is one of those times.
    I know I said this a million times before, but I really wish you would do something with your writing talent. You are way too good, not to move on. Please promise to atleast think about it.

    Loveandblessings2u & yours always
    Love Ya, Sweet Heart
    Joyce

    I will always do whatever I could to help you no matter what you do in your life, even from many miles away. I believe in you, just that much.

  • OurxBeginning
    June 23, 2007

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    This is a great piece, as always. Filled with tons of emotion and I know it's from the heart. I hope things get better. Good luck in the contest.


  • Lost In Dreaming
    June 23, 2007

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    WOOOOWWW i this is definatly one of my fav poems--is flows so perfectly and matches what ive been feeling pretty well---Best of luck in the contest


  • The Hardest Goodbye
    June 23, 2007

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    awww this is soo sad. But I like the way that the poem flows and how it all goes well together. You are very talented and I admire your work! keep it up

1 - 36 of 36