when you said
things they sounded
funny
that obvious
western lifestyle
slamming
your words together
like bumper cars
the slur of it
tasted sour
& I found it
interesting that
hums could
be accented so
flawlessly
& then you choked
breaking the
syllables up
into swear words
that didn't make sense
it was nearly
heartbreaking
watching you
put on that
same flannel shirt
you wore
the day before
& I was tempted
to sleep with you
but then
I remembered
what a much
better fake
I am than
you are
Author notes
He was actually a northener, and he was better than me.
Zillion
http://allpoetry.com/poem/3100768
UPDATE: this is a new poem I've written. Nothing like my old. lol
In a list
A contest entry
- your best poem - prewrites by hilly.
300 points, ended August 5, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - MOST IMPROVED POET! ANYTHING~ EVERYTHING by Florida Sunshine.
525 points, ended July 5, 2007, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Due to various issues which have arisen, and a more important contest to judge, I am sorry to announce but Blitz will not be possible. I will try again within the coming months. I offer my most sincere apologies. Take care.
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Taking a second look at this, I think the beginning sounds weird. I think it would read better as
when you said things
they sounded
funny
But maybe that's just me. It's good either way really.
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What happen to punctation? LOL now theres none! lol I Love the write~ the flow is simply moving~ My god you have an unbelievable talent. I would honestly rate the two examples given as a natural talent, who is on the cusp of rating in a class with Frost or Browning. I am in awe of your talent, the movement of it flows so smoothly you assume the writer wrote as smooth.
I'll ask you this??? How do you improve upon perfection? Both of your writes are awesome in thier own different ways! Nice job! Thanks for entering the contest ~ best of luck to you! -
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Zillion, how am I supposed to guess which poem is yours if you write your name in the author notes? lol. Actually though, I had you guessed right after bumper cars.
I like this, and I like how you reveal the truth in the author notes. I definitely don't tell the truth in my poetry. I twist the stories until they're nothing but lies and I don't remember what they're about. -
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damn i forgot about that!
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Wow! A good poem!
Makes one think, which so few here do! Nice job on this! LOVED the way you provoked a smile with: I found it
interesting that
hums could
be accented so
flawlessly
Bravo!
Monique
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Thank you so much!
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Wow. this really is unique. love it.
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