Midnight strikes as I retire to the hearth where leaps a fire
casting shadows' wav'ring battles far across the chalet walls.
By its soporific lighting I revisit some old writing -
heartfelt tensions I've re-written more times than I can recall -
till the parchments with my eyelids dourly bow and finally fall.
To sleep, to dream of autumns past when down the mountains I had passed,
through woods all bathed in pale light bless'd from the full moon listing to West;
spying from those trees - when moonbeams fell through branches seams
to kiss farewells upon their limbs, then pool upon each flitting leaf -
I met a lythe and supple Sylph weaving love out of some grief.
And she - with every twirl and pause, every wide sweep of her hand
round the glen as if to find her long lost lover in the endless sleeping trees -
she was stealing all my breath, drawing nigh a bitter-sweet death.
I blinked and she was gone. A silent dawn embraced the endless sleeping trees,
and I wandered searching for my Sylph, fair spirit of the eventide breeze.
Sleep dissolves and my eyes see a winter's sharp reality
of snow and barren branches crowding frosty panes of glass.
Solemnly, nay sullenly, I stand on legs that aren't so spry,
and reach for one more sip of sweet Madeira. "Alas! Alas!
The seasons pass and thus I wane whilst awaiting at this impasse."
Author notes
The poetic form is one of my own. There is no set amount of stanzas. The rhymne scheme is as follows:
-------a-------a
---------------b
-------c-------c
---------------b
---------------b
(etc.)
A contest entry
- Raven Qualifier - General: Free Verse, Rhyme and Everything Else by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 140 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just Make It Real (for ages 13- 25 only please) by Kassandra Nyktos.
500 points, ended October 31, 2007, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Unrequited Love. by Poetryintheblood.
450 points, ended November 1, 2007, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want Gold Trophy Winners Judged by RedwingSpirit.
900 points, ended January 11, 2008, 58 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Fun Valentine by im only half empty.
700 points, ended January 30, 2008, 22 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark, Personal, Your Past, Super Quickie, PW by DancingQueenAngi.
475 points, ended June 11, 2008, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Saddest Feeling by emo001.
385 points, ended June 12, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - show me how to sing by shavingsofyou.
600 points, ended July 30, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Pre-Written Rhyme by piccola.
800 points, ended August 15, 2008, 90 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What drains you? by peter1.
450 points, ended August 19, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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Well done
I really enjoyed the read, you have done a great job, blessings John -
Wow, great story - filled with very cool visuals, and am a fan of your self made form!! What you gonna call it? That's awesome!
PS - congrats on all the trophies, this is very worthy!
Always, Amber
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Very emotional, plus a unique rhyme scheme.
Very well done
Raker
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This is a really good write, but I'm not sure it fits here. Thanks a million for entering and I really like this piece.
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I really like the mention of sweet madeira
"Solemnly, nay sullenly, I stand on legs that aren't so spry,
and reach for one more sip of sweet Madeira. "Alas! Alas!
The seasons pass and thus I wane whilst awaiting at this impasse." nice job overall. thank you for entering -
Also, do not let anyone succeed in their attempts to degrade the "freshness" of this poem due to the number of contests it's been in. Entering contests is the best way of getting multiple points of view on a piece of work that you care very deeply for. I am impressed by your dedication to excellence demonstrated by the number of contests you've entered. Continue to seek advice, criticism and correction and your talent will only grow.
Peace -
This poem is both deep and crisp around the edges, like a finely made deep dish pizza from Stephano's.
The only suggestions that I have are...
"My entire being yearns for her with a passion nearing grief." -this line is borderline cliche. Don't get me wrong, the connecting of passion and grief MUST stay in this line, but perhaps there is some sort of small twisting, a unique turn of phrase that will bring the line to life. "My entire being yearns for her" is the part that rings untrue to the freshness of the rest of your work. "The back of my throat yearns for her" jumped into my head as an example of one way to fix it. But, with you being a self-proclaimed perfectionist, I think you will find some way to resolve this issue.
The only other thing that I noticed on my first time through was at the end of the first line of the last stanza. "reality" just seems out of place, as ironic as it feels to say so. The syllables don't feel right and the connotations that the word carries with it just don't seem to fit with both the narrative character and personal style that you've gone to great pains to choose. It also feels a bit too modern for a poem that exudes a more aged, aromatic appeal, much like if one were to smell a rose while sitting in a musty, 17th century hermetic hut high in the mountains.
This poem is a wonderful display of both taste and talent. Very well done.
Blessings,
C
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Thanks for entering
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This is a very beautiful write. I love the rythm and flow, and of corse the fantasy. Beautifully written.
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First off congratulations on an awesome rhyme. I didn't even notice it until I went back to see if there was one! I rarely miss a rhyme. Beautifully written. I loved the idea for the write, and the way you wrote it!
~Angi -
Beautiful! I love your extensive use of vocabulary and the images you paint are soft and wonderful. Thank you for entering.
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Man, this poem must be heavy
Its carrying so many trophies with it. Can I relieve of some of that heavy weight. Kidding aside, it got its just recognition. Style points for the language and form. I hope some day I do something like this.
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I knew by the title that this was going to be a nice original piece. Honestly, I don’t feel good enough to even try to critique this poem…but I will try to. I’ve never been in contact wit this type of style so forgive me if my interpretation is off. My only problem is for the younger less experience poetry reader this would be hard to follow. I think the wording is beautiful and you did an amazing job with the meter but after the first few stanzas the meter falls apart a little, its only noticeable because of the near perfection you did in the beginning. It reminds me of the old English poets such as Edger Allan Poe, such as the way your stories flow and the sentences are interwoven in eachother to make a story.
“As sleep dissolves, my old eyes see a winter night's reality
of snow and barren branches crowding frosty panes of glass.” I love these sentences they are my favorite.
The last two sentences are the exact ending I need to conclude everything. Wonderful job! Thanks for entering in my contest! -
I had a hard time following this, and while not necessarily a critique against your poem, the wide array of contests you have entered it into keep it from feeling fresh or special, but more like a show piece than an emotion-filled blood-and-sweat poem.
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Very thought provoking! Best of luck to you!
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An amazing write!!!
Great structure and flow. It's an over all amazing poem.
"As sleep dissolves, my old eyes see a winter night's reality
of snow and barren branches crowding frosty panes of glass." -
Thank you for your entry in our contest. Excellent imagery and a joy to read.
Please join us in our future contests.
Sue and Jeff
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Now this shows some talent.
Bravo on a job well done. You don't see these kinds of poems to often...a true mark of talent.
Good luck in the contest.
Monique
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Excellent work I like this .
Thank you for taking the time to enter this into my contest.
I wish you the best of luck.
RedwingSpirit
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Well, I didn't see that coming, haha... fun read
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Oh, please....
I stopped reading after the first line. Inverted syntax and overmodification make this thing a nonstarter. -
a work of art
This is a classical poem. It is full of emotion. I like the wonderful phrasing, the classic expression. It is a Mozart or Beethoven of poetry. It humbles me, because I cannot even think like this, let alone write like it.
The formalities and technicalities of the poem are superb, with the sound of the words with the metre, unusual rhymes, the assonance and the flowing rhythm.
Superindifferous! I would give it ten stars if I could.
Richard
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great job on this..... i love it! best of luck in this contest!
~roclover91 -
beatiful imagery here, poet. i really enjoyed reading this.
it definately deserved the trophies it recieved!
Abby -
Absolutely beautiful, a very soulful piece..and I see it has garnered many rewards, rightly so. I like the internal rhyme and just the overall tone of this, romanticism at it's best.
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Congrats on the front page!! [Spotlight]
Such a lovely crafted piece.
very well done!
And also big clappies for the Gold trophy's !!
Becks
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GREAT write!! Thank you so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest!
Leslie -
Holy cow!
This is so "fancy" I don't know what to say!!!
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Beautiful piece congrats on the many trophys they are well deserved good luck with your future writes
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Wonderlands' Reality
A lovely picture at such a beautiful time to dream, and to find oneself amidst the dream and reality, a fairyland and yet reality that is yours to treasure. Beautifully expressed and trophies to measure the worth of such loveliness and its' romantic obviously true ending. What a dream to remember as a gift, in such a glorious wonderland of love..Beautifully written!
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I can see easily why this piece has reached the peak of gold many times.... just a beautiful expression of talent. well done
Karen -
I am new to poetry so I am not too sure about rhyme, meter and stanza but I thought it was a wonderfully written poem which being of a similar age to the poem and having experiencded many a winter's night by a fire, I thoroughly enjoyed.
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Thank you for your beautifully worded entry, Josephine
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This is really sad, but beautiful.
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Very Lovely
This was very enjoyable, but go ahead and go to sleep. We all fall at one time or another. I've written some of my better pieces in my sleep. Too bad I can't retrieve them....lol Thank you for entering and good luck. Hugs~ Cuddles
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Your writings remind me of some from the renaissance times, very good piece.
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I really enjoyed this write, the rhyme scheme is near flawless and very enjoyable. I get hung up on the meter on a couple of spots as some lines seem longer than their rhyming counterparts, but each time I read this it seems smoother, so maybe that's a moot point. A very good write.
Rory
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Well, simply in terms of language and construction, this is wonderful. Your rhyme scheme is one which affords many possibilities and you use it well; moreover the meter is, so far as I can tell, nearly perfect. The only improvement to meter or rhyme that I can see is that "agent" and "spent" don't exactly rhyme; since "agent" places the emphasis on the first syllable, the mind tends to pronounce the word as "A-jint": the "int" doesn't rhyme quite so well with "spent". But that's just one couplet.
The language is well chosen and beautiful; it reminds me, as I'm sure you could predict, of 'The Raven'. You mentioned to me that you admire Frost's work; here you have certainly displayed a skill he was known for in turning a simple and, to most eyes, mundane event into something deeply spiritual.
Very nicely written, my friend.
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Excellent write!
Very impressive write, full of metaphor and I loved this rhyme scheme, very interesting. Excellent job! I enjoy poems about the weather, this was wonderful!
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Nice writing
I think you want lured not lurid, but maybe I'm wrong. Like the metaphor of stepping out of your safe but dead confines to meet life in all its pain and mystery. thanks for entering. Dave -
You write beautifully.
There is such a high quality to your work that I really admire. You can really tell if someone really enjoys writing poetry, because it shows. Your work is so nice to read, and it's thought provoking, too. Bravo!
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Interesting descriptions of a metaphorical nature abound in this piece and are done in such a way to be worth more than the price of admission. :-) I am unfamilar with the rhyme scheme however, as I do not think I have ever encountered it before. This made the reading of the piece slightly problematic because I couldn't tell if it was written in AABCCBDDB, or some vairation there of (as seemingly suggested by stanza 3 which seems to be AAxBBxCCCx. Author's notes would certainly help readers to better understand the intended flow of this piece, which, truthfully, is its only handicap.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
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Thank you for your astute observations and comments. I have added authors notes, I apologize for not doing so before (I am rather ignorant here, and had never before really thought them necessary).
Although I am sure it won't have any weight on the judging of this contest, I have elsewhere replaced line 22 with "my soul perceives the thoughtful treason." I believe that remedies the rhyme scheme problem, whithout skipping a beat in the flow of the poem.
Thank you once again! -
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I find this version more paletable (I am going off of memory here, could be my mood has just changed since the first encounter) but I still struggle with this flow of yours. It isn't that I think it is bad, it really isn't. 90% (roughly) of the stanzas punch along just like they should... but listen... I keep getting hung up on a different part of each stanza.
I just went back and read it again, and, actually, it keeps getting better (not that this comment is helping any). I think I just need to train my ear to read this piece... I am glad that I have been given the opportunity to revisit it.
See you on the finalist's list. -
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Thank you, I am honored that this would make it even thus far among so many other exceptional peices!
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i love how this made me feel the things that were being described, like they were happening and i was observing them and then expressing them.
overall, this is a phenomal (sp?) piece.
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Confussion, followed by disgust
Fills my head and heart to bust,
For once again I've been misled.
The silence is a double agent,
And I'm fed up with all my nights spent
Restless. The floor is cold, where my feet tread.
good lines poem flows beautifuuly good job on it and good luck in the contes
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