Long distance
is the most painful
when it stretches a whole
ten inches.
We're alone together,
farthest apart
when skin-to-skin and
the sensation of soul-to-soul
is muted as though it were something
drifting from the depths
of fever dream
to a freshly-conscious mind.
Author notes
I guess this is why most of my relationships so far have ended.
I don't know if I like this yet. It just kinda tumbled out. It started from "we're alone together" and progressed into the first stanza and then thing just happened from there and I struggled with the very end. It needs work.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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i love the first stanza, the paradox around which turns the whole poem, set up so well so that the twist of "a whole ten inches" is very striking, then driving it in by stating directly and concisely the paradox you have just described: "We're alone together."
i know what you mean.
and i love the title, brings to mind negative line (probably the most useful technique i learned in art class) that sliver between you that divides you most sharply as two distinct forms, and also carrying other shades of meaning.
i'm not so sure of the rest of the poem, from "the sensation of soul-to-soul" on. "fever dream" is intriguing, but somehow the stream of "drifting" vague abstract description doesn't seem nearly as strong to me as the more direct, restrained, grounded lines that precede it. the passive construction and choice of diction, "something/ drifting from the depths..." contributes to the bland weakness, even with crisp, innovative images of "fever dream" and "a freshly-conscious mind." not sure where you should go with this instead, but i don't think this is the direction this poem should head in, and certainly not where it should end. i feel like you could probe into this a lot more while sticking to the literal truth and not slipping into the nebulous, cryptic abstractions. -
no work needed
it's raw and it's beautiful.
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