I thought of it like photographing the wind,
as if rustling branches defined the image
and yet, there it was, as if I could levitate rain,
the summer squall reduced to spherical droplets
hovering beside a geranium, its skull shaped leaves
recoiling at the impact – liquid shot from the sky.
Dripping on the table, the blossom bled petals
a red soon washed away – collateral damage
in the storm, remains of the bright flash
and deafening crash of monstrous thunder
torn and water bent, sagging in the weight
all soaking camera fodder shocked in awe.
A contest entry
- GIVE ME A WAR POEM by manoguru.
500 points, ended July 3, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
thank you for the message. in the light of what you said in your message, that the 1st stz is about a picture of geranium before the war and the 2nd is about the a picture of the same plant of after the war, i must say the the 1st stz works much better than the 2nd.
the 1st stz presents a concrete vision of a still photograph of a plant soaked and hit by rain. i must pat you that achievement. but the 2nd stz somehow drags. there are too many abstractions like "collateral damage", "monstrous", "shocked in awe", which makes it lack the crispness of experiential details that the 1st stz is so full of. you are trying to tell the readers how monstrous the image is rather than showing it to be monstrous. it is as if you couldn't be imaginitive anymore. my next objection is that the reading of the 2nd line stz seems to be awkward. maybe you should consider breaking the single sentence that 2nd stz is made up of into shorter sentences. also the last line doesn't make a fine climax for the whole of the poem nor for the 2nd stz itself.
overall, this is a fine poem. i do understand that you are trying to present two separate, contrasting images that represent times before and after a war, and hence elicit horror. but i think this poem still needs a few revisions. since the contest will end only on 30 July, you have plenty of time to consider revising it.
hope to hear more from you.
~manoguru -
i don't know what to make of this poem. the poem is so convoluted. the 1st stz doesn't seem to have any bearing with theme of war. the 2nd stz makes it look like an atomic explosion. but i'm not so sure. it would be really helpful if you could add something to help me comprehend this poem, and hence make a better judgement.
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