Just one night,
is all it took to fall
Tonight,
I want it all
Just one more chance,
to be with her again
Romance,
I want another sip of champagne
"She loves the way I tease"
Oh, she makes me sweat
"I love the way she breathes"
Oh, how much better could this get?
"It was the craziest thing"
Author notes
"A certain girl she took my hand and ran it up her thigh.
She licked her lips and pulled my hair, I fall in love for a night"
Escape the Fate, Situations
"Pretty pink ponies prance around Polly Pocket planes"
OPTION 5
( My name is - - - StarXcrossedxLover )
A contest entry
- Pretend This Is A Cool Contest Name by Rainy Days.
675 points, ended June 22, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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A really well-written piece
I like this. It is fast-paced and flows really well. The imagery is really good too. There is a lot of emotion behind this piece, which comes out so well. Keep writing. You are very very good.
All the best
Wayne
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I like this poem. It flows nicely, rhymes well. Very sensual.
I would like to see you carry through the pattern from the first two stanzas into the third. The pattern would be something like:
"She loves the way I tease"
Oh, she makes me sweat.
Breathless.
Oh, how much better could this get?
The trick, of course, is to get the rhyme in there, and keep the meaning. Carrying the construction through all three stanzas would make this a wonderfully cohesive little vignette.
As it stands, though, the poem succeeds. Nicely done. -
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I was going to do that, but the lines in "quotes" are lyrics to a song, so I just decided to switch it up a bit because I couldn't change the lyrics to the song. I'm glad you liked it!
-HD -
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Ahh - I getcha. I wouldn't change this poem (it's too short to start shoe-horning extra stuff in there). Since I don't recognize the song lyrics, that aspect of the poem is lost on me. When you do this in future, any reference to the stereo, singing in your ear, whispered lyrics, etc. would make the image clear and stand on its own - anyone would get the point, whether they know the original song or not.
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this is very good! I really love the rhyme scheme... this is really really good... I love it! keep up the good work! and good luck in the contest!
Crimson -
And you added more lyrics from the song to it. Coolness...
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awww this is so good! I really liked it! great job! Keep up the excellent work!
-Steve-
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