Observing her
like an astronomer,
distant as she is.
Wondering does she notice me
behind the glass eye.
My world, spinning.
Light headed
but heavy heart.
Held down and dizzy,
illuminated by her glow
I can’t feel my legs.
Fingertips tingle.
She draws near.
I didn’t (or couldn’t) speak
nor concentrate, enthralled.
She makes her orbit
drawing my attentiveness.
Glorious in my mind.
Vanishing with the limit
of my blurred glass eye.
A contest entry
- Raven Qualifier - General: Free Verse, Rhyme and Everything Else by Raven Contest.
450 points, ended August 1, 2007, 140 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Yep, havent even talked to you yet and I am falling in love!
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Now that is a flattering comment! Thanks for all your awesome comments. I will check your work soon.
Mark
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Off track from your normal political ranting that I love so much, but cool anyway.
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(To borrow from the Raven Judge) What I honestly love about this peice is that it's so accesible. I once heard a person say "poetry is supposed to be abscure," but I wholeheartedly disagree! For me, it's all about expressing something you feel so others may also feel it, and you have acheived that wonderfully here. Bravo!
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This really would have worked just as well in the Raven Romance category, even if what you are not talking about here is a male/female relationship. I think you have used a powerful mechanism (pun intended) to convey your feelings of awe. Following your thought process is easy, in theory - it is like you were trying to figure out a way to convey your amazement and so you turned to the only thing you could think of that equaled it in scope and beauty. For that reason and in that sense this is a well done effort summed perfectly in its last two lines.
Focusing there, I think we can isolate the best part of this piece; "Vanishing with the limit / of my blurred glass eye." The rest of the piece speaks to the untouchable nature of the beauty you describe, but the ending really drives that feeling home. It is as if you are but a stationary observer, locked in space and time, and the one that you observe is a fluid, living organism - transversing the universe while occasionally blessing your stationary facade with his/her/it's presence.
Even if this work is just a picture of an instant it is still a powerful tribute to not only your feelings but to the one whom you hold in such esteem.
Thank you for this entry.
~Das -
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Nice review
I couldn't think of a better way to review this poem. It was very analytical and intelligent and I appreciate the effort you put it to it to not only see the obvious aspects of the poem but to see whats obscure also. Brilliant assessment.
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wonderful. I dug the space references and repetition. The beginning was my favorite part. Set the tone of the piece well. "Vanishing with the limit
of my blurred glass eye." Also really nice.
-Creatress
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