http://photobucket.com/mediadetail/?media=http%3A%2F%2Fi170.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fu256%2FstarXzore9%2Fpics%2Flovebirds87.jpg&searchTerm=&pageOffset=
You gave me a sword
Because you trusted me to have one
You taught me how to sword fight
I brought in a good fight
One night you went out
I got depressed
And I tried to cut off my neck
You come in
You grab me
And though the sword
Away from me
You stop me from hurting myself
You stop me from killing myself
Sometimes I hate you for it
But I am mostly grateful for that
You wrap my hands behind my back
Until I am calm
And not totally whacked
I fell asleep in your arms
All nice and relaxed
When I awake
You are crying
You ask me why
And I said
Sometimes I wish I knew
We are now both crying
And he say's
I trusted you with that thing
I don't know what to do
I can't yell at you it might hurt you
I just want to hug you
I don't know if I want to leave you alone
I can't trust you anymore
written at 12:22 A.M.
Written on June 20, 2007
Author notes
S e r e n i t y s i l v e r m o o n
http://photobucket.com/mediadetail/?media=http%3A%2F%2Fi170.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fu256%2FstarXzore9%2Fpics%2Flovebirds87.jpg&searchTerm=&pageOffset=
A contest entry
- Abstract. Be different. by Trent plus pen.
650 points, ended July 3, 2007, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - MOST IMPROVED POET! ANYTHING~ EVERYTHING by Florida Sunshine.
525 points, ended July 5, 2007, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - give me more emotion!!! by TwiztidMaggot.
345 points, ended June 21, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Darkness, Let Me See Your Darkness by AshesFromFire.
700 points, ended July 21, 2007, 79 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything. by Sonofdead.
800 points, ended June 26, 2007, 138 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Almost everything allowed!! by Systems Malfunction.
315 points, ended June 27, 2007, 63 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options! *Depression, Suicide, Love, Anger.* (My First Contest!) by Jessi-desensytized.
525 points, ended July 2, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark and Deep - PICTURE INSPIRED by Plastic Dreams.
600 points, ended August 20, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ROUND 2 Make Me Laugh,Make Me cry, Or Make Me Think More Options inside! Something differnt!! by Sheilasbabygal4life.
650 points, ended September 17, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites contest!!!!!!!!!!!! enter!!!!! by foreveryourslove.
1120 points, ended November 9, 1065 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
-
Wow very good. Thanks for entering and best of luck!
-
trusting patience can sometimes be the harder fall among bodies and blades.
This has become a broken kingdom of selling words without the mouth of some grim-lipped intention.
I enjoy what you've done with this picture and the story you've come to arise from it.
You are talented. and well kept in the manner of articulate devastation -
It needs a video to it.
-
"And though (through) the sword"...
wow, this is not all different form some of your others, but i like how you tried your hand at putting it in a "knights templar" sort of time. thanks for sharing, and its never best to lay upr life upon a sword.
-
awsome poem
welcome to group extreme emotion keep the good ones comin -
This is a very nice piece to go with your 1st piece... I think you did a wonderful job! I did see the difference with Chain reaction and this piece... I had to get straight which two were being judge... Nice job! Thanks for entering the contest ~ best of luck to you! You did a wonderful job!
-
wow, amazing poem I loved the rhyme and how it flowed, good luck in my contest!
-
This isn't a bad poem, but theres alot of problems for me. First, some words don't seem like you actually thought about what you were writing. The other big problem is this whole cliche suicide/getting saved thing. It's nice but after a while it's just kind of annoying. I'm not judging or reviewing your life and what your going through (if this is about you), but I'm here to critique your poem and I can't say much due to the story being told being so cliche like; even if you mean what you say. Good luck in the contest.
-
I know this feeling. I have been here before. Great write, and good luck in the finals. -
I'll lave you a comment when you put what I asked for in the authors box!
-
Sadly Romantic
Like the pic and poem combo!! A very sad but touching moment in the lives of the two in love. Finding the reason for the misbehavior of the lady is a must. Having a death wish is not something to let dangle in mid air for long. Well done poem with strong emotion and great imagery! Like it, Don
-
this is a very good poem... it seems you are wanting to kill yourself but someone is stopping you... which is a very good thing... I didn't really want a suicide poem... I dont guess this is considered suicide... hmm... I guess I'll let it pass through... good job!
Crimson -
WOW!!!!!!! What a read this is!! I did see a few typos in this, but wow! this is just mind blowing! You did a fantastic job on it!! Best of luck in the contests!!
Love ya
Auntie
-
posted by accident
my fave part of the poem is when 'sometimes I hate you for it, but I am mostly grateful for that' It is so raw, but at the same time reveals a great deal about what the protagonist is thinking. Whats the backing behind this epic poem.
-
Fantastic
haha this another amazing poem. Is the sword a metaphor for something tht your boyfriend has told you? I love the wy that you have set out this poem -
Started off kinda awkward and never really devolved into a rhythm. The imagery was very good. Very well done Aunty!
-
love it. only problem is that in line 11 reread i think you meant "and threw the sword" instead of "and though the sword" and for me personally i think that line 19 doesnt sound write. but great write mom!
-
wow, that is one deep and very very emotional write!
-
Always good to get comments!!
Your poem is very dramatic!
I think you might fix the word "says" that does not need an apostrophe.
-
Oh this is really good. And sad. Really relate to some aspects of it though. I especially love the last part, about him not being able to trust her anymore.
There's just one thing that confused me. These lines:
"And though the sword
Away from me"
I don't get it. Is it suppose to say that he took the sword away from her, or..? -
The image you have painted in this piece is vivid and your verbiage and flow is fair. You have chosen to compose a Free Style piece for my contest which is actually the hardest to pass my scrutiny because I have no technical guidelines to judge it other than presentation, image, grammar, tone infliction, punctuation and flow.
You have the heart of a poet so please try again. This poem is important to you so please remember I’m DQ’ing it because I’m the poetry bitch and it’s no reflection on your ability as a poet. Only the best poets on the site are here so you are in a very competitive group.
Here’s what I disagree with in your poem:
1. L7 typo “II”
2. L16 What is a “hangs”?
3. L 25, 26, 27 Inconstancy: You capitalized every line then for no apparent reason you stopped in these three lines.
4. L 27 “say’s” apostrophe not indicated; contest is to indicate; show.
5. for the reasons above and much of your phraseology you lost control of the readers mind. You can’t allow the reader to stop and analyze your presentation. I quoted an example below:
A. “You grab me
And though the sword
Away from me” Poor grammar, breaks the mental image
Please don’t be upset, this is the hardest competition on the site right now and please try again.
Love,
Amera ♥
-
Very good concept in this poem. Sadness and love in one piece!
-
This could be a really good poem if you edited it haha. I'll leave you a list of spelling corrections bellow, maybe you could edit it for me?
Other than though I really did enjoy the poem, it wasn't over the top on metaphors, but it was enough to keep me interested and guessing.
Goodluck!!
Trent.
Sp. Corrections "I brought in a good fight"
"And I tried to cut off my neck"
"And threw the sword"
"Hands"
"Clam or calm?"
"Totally"
"Leave you alone"
Adding your comment:
1 - 23 of 23
