Returning to those coveted daylights
In the jungle, with my cousins
we built castles, not in the skies
But in the knee high sakate lots, crafting
Booby-traps for imagined marauders
Skipping, bobbing over the two by four
Plank that bridged our moat:
a muddy ditch,
To my auntie’s kitchen—- slapped aircon on sweat
To gather, hoard, Spam and Ichiban—-
“Where is the can opener?”
A small river that wasn’t really a river but
More like a creek sparkled
In sunlit ribbons;
Taking cinder blocks and tying rope,
We giddily waited for robbers to
Come and steal our snacks, invade our fort.
Truly now, Lords of the Flies—
A village of youths hell-bent on
Forgetting the strictures imposed by
Silly adults who would never had understood
our mission. We knew, we would still be here
When the world ended.
The next day, forced to forget
our hideout, we marched soberly
to mass, to be reminded that we
would inevitably cease, consoled that we were
not alone— God too built an empire out of mud.
Author notes
Okay, since the general consensus is to delete the first and last lines, I'll do so.
Dear Contest Judge,
The beginning and end lines are repititive and blatant for a purpose: do you believe that this poem is about playing god? Do the imagery and action contained within these repeated lines justify their place there?
I know what poets are supposed to do and not do (like be obvious or detract from any subjectivity or interpretation in their poem), but I am attempting to flout that maxim in order to challenge the reader.
This is a poem in progress written in the summer of 2007. While this poem does employ religious themes, it is not a religious poem.
Rather this poem is a recreated memory being told again. I read your contest rules. Hope this poem will suffice for what you will tolerate.
Revisions were minimal from that point on. Hoping for your critique.
A contest entry
- Prewrites But NO "fresh" writes by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended June 6, 2008, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Unappreciated Brilliance by KayJay.
1300 points, ended June 23, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Want some points? Philosophy, God, whatever you want... by magneticblue.
1400 points, ended July 24, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Critique Please! I Like It Rough!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I would not get rid of the first or last lines, they round the whole piece out and without them, for all the reader would know, you were simply writing about a fond childhood memory. As is, the poem gives off a very innocent vibe, but the first and last lines add the necessary seriousness and meaning. The piece as a whole is an interesting idea, though your style in the middle portion (and maybe you intended this) is rather childish, but even that serves the overall focus. Good write and thank you for entering the contest.
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Thank you for your insightful comment. Before I submitted this poem to your contest, I repeated "This poem is about playing God" in the beginning and the end of the poem. That's what the debate was about. But since everyone seemed to think that the two lines hurt the poem more than it promoted thought, I deleted those lines. Thanks again for your time and consideration.
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I enjoyed this poem very much from the pure standpoint of memories, we were Kings, and Queens and Gods, back then before the constraints of society and life in general wore us down. It was a heady feeling, playing God. I, too, think the ending line is superflous. The poem stands on its own. Congrats on the HM
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Hmmmm too much information
I really enjoyed your poem... as written. But then, I wasn't reading it as a judge but as a fellow poet interested in what you had to say... I loved the heart of your poem... great images, wonderfully phrased memories of youth spent in abandon and the constraints of adults that ultimately drain the wonder from us so that we grow up in their image...
From a critical viewpoint (you didn't think I was going to let you off easy did you?) and just my opinion... I think your opening and closing references to playing God are superfluous. They would be fine in AN's to give the poem context but as they stand, they "direct" the reader to a mindset rather than letting the rich images speak for themselves.
I think this is a great work just from the honesty here... Thank you for sharing...Truely, this is what I was hoping for... and it's unappreciated no longer.
Ken
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You are correct in your understanding ...
of what I am looking for. I do not consider this to be a "religious" poem. It is a poem about society and the way society impinges on the lives of those who comprise it. True, the last stanza does refer to God and creation, but it doesn't beat the idea to death with whining and puling, so I see no problem with it from that angle. My only problem with this is that the punctuation is not particularly good. However, I do agree with Danna that telling us what the poem is about in the first line and the last line is probably not the best way to handle this. Everything she told you is true. Sadly, you did not listen.
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If you hadn’t entered my contest, I would have quit reading after the first line, because I don’t like poems that tell me things, especially what they are about. If you as a poet do your job right, you don’t need to tell your reader what your poem is about. So my first suggestion, cut your first line, the second line too. The third line is where the poem really begins, but you are way too heavy handed with the fact that this is a memory. You don’t need to tell the reader that. They will know by the fact that it is written in the past tense. With a few simple adjustments, it will still come across, but in a less obvious way, for example:
In the jungle, with my cousins
we built castles, not in the skies
But in the knee high sword-grass lots, crafting
Booby-traps for imagined marauders
Skipping, bobbing over the two by four
Plank that bridged our moat,
a muddy ditch
And as far as the end goes, I would cut the last line. Ending it on the word “void” would leave your reader pondering what you have written, but that last line just wraps it up for them, so that they have nothing at all to ponder, and they will probably not think about the poem again after they have read it. -
Some nice imagery here and the use of language feels unforced. I can see the scene clearly. I particularly like the first stanza, and the repeated use of the first line to end.
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very intereesting...did you by chance just finish "Lord of the Flies"?very good book.
the beging and end of the poem was very different from what im used to..so cool
later,
B.
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