Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Illegitimate Son

staring at the floor
from across the room
is a lot easier
than staring at you

your lips twitch
creatively
peeling back at the sides
like they’re not sure
what they should say

I eye every corner
afraid of what’s
in them

prepared to jump
back at any moment

and that’s how
it happened
how is became has been-

and handshakes became
more like
cancerous lumps

Author notes

to the unwanted
Phrase: Cancerous lumps

- Zillion -

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5
  • Yvette Champ gold member
    June 19, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Dear poet,I have not long discovered your creativity but like your style which has a simplicity without being simple.I like the presentation,allowing the reader to focus entirely on the content and intent of the piece.Two small suggestions I offer as just that,points to ponder amongst my rambling thoughts.I wondered if you had considered leaving a space between the last line of the poem and the end of the page,it would enable the reader to hold onto the poem as a complete unit as opposed to reading the very next line re the contest details,tis not a criticism but a tip passed to me which I like to pass on.The reader rambles too much,the second suggestion is not necessary eve,after a second read through only this one tiny suggestion to make after all.Excellent!


    • zillion
      June 19, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for reading my poem, and leaving such a wonderful comment. Critisim is always welcome, and I like the advice you gave. I will certainly add that space.

      • Yvette Champ gold member
        June 19, 2007

        Edit | Reply
        Bless you,I assure you it was not criticism offered,rather a point passed on to myself after I had posted without the pause/space at the end of the poem,I took the advice thereafter and was pleased to have recieved it,presentation plays a part for the reader which previously to that I had not considered.I rarely leave any actual criticism,only two occaisions spring to mind,one re a poet who wrote defiling children,which was offensive to the majority I feel,and one poet who wrote such an inhumane/offensive piece that it was removed by the mods,I appreciate that you accepted my suggestion in the spirit given dear poet,I have much to learn myself and am keen to learn it,'tis a pleasure to have allpoetry as a home from home to share poetry and it was a pleasure to read your poem


  • Tangled Angle
    June 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting.
    Your imagery is great.
    Excellent take on the phrase.
    I like that you used cacerous lumps as a simile.
    Very profound. Thanks for entering and good luck.


  • penman gold member
    June 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful

    I love the way you use verses to be glimpses that say so much. And you always have that knack for ending in a image or thought that truly is memorable. Best of luck in the contest.

1 - 5 of 5