Afraid To Be Left Alone

I sat there in a white, black and red booth of the restaurant, fiddling with the straw to my chocolate shake. I was just sitting there staring at the two girls in the booth down the aisle from me. It seemed that just the sight of that other girl with her made me sick; it made me want to gag with disgust. I didn’t even know what I was doing there. She wasn’t happy with me, she’s happy with that other girl, so why? Why do I keep trying? Why do I keep pushing myself to try and get her back? The one girl I love is happy. So shouldn’t I be happy for her?
I sighed and called the waitress over for my bill. I paid with a five and patiently waited for my change. When the waitress returned I took my change and waited for the woman to leave. When she was out of sight I left the change on the table and left out the back door of the restaurant.
I couldn’t even stand the sight of them. Why did I come here? She doesn’t love me anymore; she made that perfectly clear herself. I could still feel the dull throbbing in my chest. Like my heart had been pulled out and ripped apart then put back inside of me. I wanted it to stop, I wanted this pain to just fade away, but that seemed impossible. Those were my thoughts as I walked to my car and unlocked the doors. I stole a glance at the bright blue sky. It was almost as if God were celebrating their love and mocking me. I looked back at the black ground and stared at it sadly, that color matched my feelings perfectly. I stepped into my car and slammed the door.
I pushed the key into the ignition and turned the key to bring the car to life. “Heh. Funny. My car has more life than I do.” I muttered to myself then put on my seatbelt and then put the car in reverse and pulled out of the parking lot.
I decided that maybe a walk through a park would help me forget about her…at least for a little while. I looked at the Kokomo city map and saw a small dot indicating that there was indeed and park somewhere close. I drove down a few streets until I saw a sign that said Darrough Chapel Park. I pulled over on the side of the rode and parked; I turned off the car and got out. I slammed the door shut and locked my car then pocketed my keys. ‘I’ll just walk for a little while, then I’ll have to go find somewhere to park my car and sleep.’ I thought to myself and started to walk through the grass. It sucked not having enough money to rent a hotel room.
There weren’t very many people in the park but the people who were there either glanced at me and went on their way or just ignored me completely. I walked toward some trees and sat down on the ground, leaning against the tree. I sighed for the third time that evening and looked at the fading blue sky. Why did I think that I could forget about her? I was a fool to think that. She was a part of me, something stuck in my heart that I couldn’t get out. The painful thing was that…I didn’t want to lose that part of me. Normal people would just forget about the person who cheated on them for almost two years, but for some reason I just couldn’t let her go. I couldn’t let that part of me fade, or maybe I just didn’t want that part of me to fade. Either way I couldn’t forget her.
“I’ll confront her, just once and then I’ll go home in the morning. Maybe if I just talk to her once I can at least move on with my life.” I spoke softly into the evening air. I stood up and brushed myself off, then headed back to my car. I pulled out my keys from my pocket and unlocked my car by pressing the small button. The tan impala beeped and its lights flashed as it was unlocked. I opened the driver side door and climbed in. I put the keys in the ignition and started the car as I put on my seatbelt, and then pulled away from the park and drove down the street then turned the corner ready to face my lost love before I said goodbye for the final time.
I drove down East Vaile Avenue for about ten minutes until I saw the street I was looking for. I turned left onto South Diamond Street and drove until I saw her house; I then parked in front of it and turned off my car. I smiled sadly when I heard the loud dance dance revolution music pouring from the open windows of her house. Apparently more time had passed than I thought because they were already home from their dinner date. I got out of my car and jumped up to sit on the hood of the car, I would wait until either her or that new girlfriend of hers noticed me. It didn’t take long before her new girlfriend pointed to me. I laughed to myself and crossed my legs and let a small smirk adorn my face. She looked out the window to see who her girlfriend was talking about then smiled and walked quickly out her front door to meet me for the first time in real life.
“Joette? Is that really you? I didn’t think that you were serious about visiting me.” She said with heavy breathing. Obviously she had just finished a round of DDR.
“Yeah. It’s me.” I replied halfheartedly. “I wanted to talk to you for a little bit.”
“Well why don’t you come in? Sarah’s here and we’re just playing DDR and you can join us if you-”
I held up my hand to cut her off. “I don’t want to come in. I just need to tell you a few things. And ask you a few things as well I suppose.”
She looked confused. From her point of view I surely must have come here to see her and have fun. My purpose for being there was quite different though. “Well ok then. Go ahead.”
“Samantha, I came to Kokomo to say goodbye, not to have fun with you.” I said calmly and jumped down off of my car. “I know it’s going to be selfish of me to ask you these questions but…I don’t care. Why would you cheat on me? After I was more than willing to give you anything. Even give up me life if I had to.”
She looked away from me and down at the ground sadly. “I don’t know Joei, I’m sorry.”
“ ‘I don’t knows’ aren’t good enough Sami! And it’s way too late for your apologies. You caused me a lot of pain, and it still hurts! You have no idea how much this pain hurts.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “I was the one who made you realize that you liked girls in the first place. But I guess that’s all I ever was, a wake up call.”
Her head snapped up and she had tears in her eyes. That little bit of moisture tugged at my heart and made me want to hug her, but I held myself back. “No! That’s not true at all! I loved you Joei! I really did!”
“Exactly Sami. You loved me, but not anymore. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to find a place to park for the night.” I turn to leave but she grabbed my hand.
“Please Joei don’t be like this! Don’t say goodbye to me!” the tears had broken free from her eyes and were falling down her face.
I sighed and closed my eyes. I couldn’t stand to see her so sad so I did the only thing I could think to do in a time like that. I pulled her into my arms and I hugged her. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry Sami. Please don’t cry.” I whispered and she put her arms around me.
“Do you have anywhere to sleep?” she asked me quietly as her tears began to dry.
I shook my head slowly. “No I was planning to sleep in my car.” I whispered back.
She looked up at me. “Then you can stay here. Sarah was going to sleep over but I can just ask her to go home.”
“If you want me to stay and if it will make you happy then I guess I’ll stay.” I said.
She smiled and let go of me. “Thank you Joei.”
I smiled back sadly and nodded. “You’re welcome Sami.” I opened the back door to my car and pulled out my small suitcase that had my cloths in it. I know that I told myself that I was going to say goodbye to her and that I was going to try and forget about her and move on with my life but I couldn’t. I still loved her far too much to just let her go like that. I closed my car door and locked it, then followed Sami up to her house and smiled at her as I walked in. maybe I’m still madly in love with her and maybe I’m scared to let her go. But most of all I think I’m afraid to be left alone.