Play childishly
With my emotions
As I goudge you with this needle
Sweet crimson dripping down your arm
A trail so temptingly gross
A master peice in the making
Surrender yourself to my dominance
Percolating eyes of black
As I allow the dark foreshadowing consume me
Toy with my desires
Pulling the strings of past faults
That have made me who I am today
Proceed with your deliverance of gothic repentance
As I proceed with my urge to lavish you in death
Bring my brittle, lonesome thoughts to the surface
Cruelty, and pure agony is what I offer
Honest and open, feel this blade
Now that much sharper with your voiced pleas of approval
Trim away my rough and crusty love
Split the love and hate
That have grown together over the putrid years
Play childishly with my soul
Tossing it, crushing it
But not before,
I take all you are
For I will build your dried puddles of mistakes
Into something of darkened beauty
Shall you paint me?
Shall I shred you?
Toy with me
Play with my being
And I shall forever be in your debt
Yes, once you are peeled of imperfection
And shaved of deceit
I shall be the demon
To you
The fallen angel
Author notes
My screen name is Bleeding Eternal
A contest entry
- Make Me Perfection by adsaige.
600 points, ended October 12, 2007, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark~Like~Me by Dak.
550 points, ended January 24, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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this is perfection!!! the words, power and how you've used them all, just beyond, how creative you really are...
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Hmmm... It had its moments, but for the technical stuff: In line 1, verse 3, 'peice' should be 'piece', and I'm not sure that 'percolating' is the right word. Not unless you're writing about a pot of coffee, which doesn't seem to be the case here
Other than that, though, it was a good poem, a nice, solid attempt. Well done, and good luck! -
Another good poem, with a strong ending
"Toy with my desires
Pulling the strings of past faults
That have made me who I am today "
My favorite lines, beside the ending ones.
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Judged
I'm not particularly sure what I think and feel for this piece. Quite frankly I read through this, stared at it, read through it again, and waited a moment for impact. Got it...hard. This was quite a good write with beautiful words, and a bit of phrases placed in an arousing manner, but perhaps you could make the background easier on the eyes, re-arrange and add a bit. Some parts left my mouth dry...
My honest opinion...welcome to the finalist list. -
wow really good! I loved the way you ended the piece "To you
The fallen angel " great job! Thank you so much for entering! Excellent work and the best of luck in my contest!
-Steve- -
I think you have improved working on structure~ overall its a great write. Nice job! Thanks for entering the contest ~ best of luck to you!
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"Honest and open, feel this blade
Now that much sharper with your voiced pleas of approval " i like this line the most, but "that" doesn't seem to fit. Good job though! -
Whoah - this is deep and dark and wonderful. I wish you the best of luck in this contest...its too brilliant not to get a placing...
"A master peice in the making
Surrender yourself to my dominance
Percolating eyes of black
As I allow the dark foreshadowing consume me "
i loved it
Claire-Anne
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This is awesome! I loved it!!!!
Nice work! -
This poem was BEAUTIFUL. It had me imagining a few things. The poem as a whole was magnificent, but my favorite part was the last stanza:
"Yes, once you are peeled of imperfection
And shaved of deceit
I shall be the demon
To you
The fallen angel"
Beautiful, simply beautiful. It speaks of so many different things
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*smiles* thank you for the comment. Dont really know what else to say....lol so I guess just...thank you?
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chilling
For I will build your dried puddles of mistakes
Into something of darkened beauty
my favorite part, you sound like a old x.. ah
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