mirage by Zahhar at All poetry

you stole a glance
        fair as poppied fields
    and cobalt skies

you blew a kiss
        gentle as a breeze
    before the gale

you shared a touch
        soft as moonstone nights
    that greet the dawn

you whispered love
        sweet as jasmine winds
    in long dark curls

you shimmered light
        a distant desert spring
    returned to dust

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09) Free Verse (symmetrical) • next in list

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GuardianPhoenix7289
January 7
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Pretty
I liked this. It reminded me a bit of my last girlfriend. Who made me believe I was in love... but deep down she was only using me... toying with my mind. So now I have forever to regret it.. Of course I am taking it stride... but this almost is an exact description sort of, of what she was like... Great great job on the word-usage and structure! I liked it alot!
. Rewarded 6
Evolet
December 21, 2007

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Oh wow, this is splendid!
I was completely pulled in by the title - Mirage!
I love this line: "soft as moonstone nights" - the Moonstone is my favourite stone!
"sweet as jasmine winds" - I love Jasmine too! Hehe. This line sounds so sweet & yummy. If the air was filled with Jasmine winds for real we'd all be intoxicated by its sweetness.
"you shimmered light
a distant desert spring" - oh this is so beautiful. "You shimmered light" - this remind me of a light goddess or something.. very pretty. I love deserts, I have love for sand for some reason and this reminds me of Africa/Egypt. Spring is my favourite season.. so yeah, this poem is full of my favourite things!
And again.. the background looks really cool!

Blessings,
~Moonchild
. Rewarded 8
Voximation
November 27, 2007

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I wish I could free verse as well as you =) This is a good write thank you for sharing it with us.
--Vox
Empty-WiTHiN
November 9, 2007
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so WOW
this poem is just great
I love everything about it...keep it up
cheers,
leakypen
November 2, 2007

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This is such a beautifully sensual poem! The images are captivating and, in the most part, very original and certainly not stale. It took me a little while to understand the last stanza but now I feel I've grasped it I think it's an amazing image. I love the steady but not monotonous meter. It makes me feel calm, but not bored. It's a lovely piece and writing, thank you for letting me read it! x
. Rewarded 8
specialedd
October 28, 2007

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wow
This is very well written. It has many meanings and a great one. many people can understand and connect to it. I personally think that this is a very exelant poem. I look foward to reading more of your work. Please don't stop writing!
. Rewarded 4
FindingFaith
October 5, 2007

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I really enjoyed this read. It flowed lovely. The words were woven well. It makes me want to go read more of your work...
vierna
September 3, 2007

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oh, this was just lovely. the background added to the overall feel of the poem...I just loved it and loved your use of imagery to paint your picture
micol
September 3, 2007

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May I make a couple of observations?

First, most of the poem works imagery well, especially phrases like "moonstone nights" and "jasmine winds." These are interesting, unexpected, focused and precise. Which makes "gentle as a breeze" seem trite, over-used. The only imagistic wobble in the piece.

Second, and quite remarkably, this really isn't free verse. Each stanza consists of a fairly regular pattern: iambic dimeter (two primary stresses), iambic trimeter (three primary stresses), and iambic dimeter (two primary stresses). The result is an irregularity that lifts the poem well above the metronomic monotony of much metered verse, coupled with an underlying regularity that makes each stanza lyrical, flowing, musical.

All in all, this is both enjoyable and beautiful, a finely atmospheric piece that moves smoothly from first line to last.

. Rewarded 8
Tirrell
August 27, 2007

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The verse is very beautiful, and the imagry is supurb.
I love the sound of the lines as the words fall, there is a true beauty in this! Wonderfully penned.
. Rewarded 4
DancingRed
August 25, 2007

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Lovely piece; each description is most poetic.

I love --

"a touch soft as moonstone nights that greet the dawn"

My only critique would be that there isn't much stretching between each stanza; they feel like unconnected images, albeit beautiful ones.
Maybe starting with something about 'dust' or 'earth' would help tie things up by the last stanza.

Mmmm, the title helps a lot -- it gives a magical feeling, where connectedness might not be 100% necessary.

DancingRed.
. Rewarded 8
Talloaks
August 18, 2007

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Great
So simple yet full of emothion. I like thought carried thoughtout and at the ens "returned to dust" Hold a lot of feelings.
. Rewarded 4
nilav
July 10, 2007
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i liked this ..there are some very good expressions...
Adios Muchachos
July 1, 2007

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Dear Erin
This was OK ! I did not find the the symmetry although I'm sure it is there if you tell me so.
It seems to me that a "kiss in a gale" would hardly reach its target! All that wind you know!LOL

I'm no good at this stuff anymore Erin. Much less write a decent poem nowadays. I've become atrophied to the nth.

Be well,
John-Las Vegas
. Rewarded 6
Canto-Brasileiro
June 24, 2007
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that is when we see ourselves back where we began
brown paper bag
June 23, 2007

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Well Erin you have to admit you write pain well.I think every time we experience any kind of loss we grieve a little or a lot.This was achingly beautiful.You know life sucks but the good thing is we soldier on.I hope expressing this made you feel marginally better.You could always take my advice and just don't get attached.[j/k]Actually if you did that I wouldn't get to read poetry like this.Excellent write.I have no critical feedback just cause.
~helen
[always a friend]
. Rewarded 8
Poetboy2008
June 22, 2007

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very deep it's not every day you find a poem that makes you look at yourself and that's exactly what this poem did. thank you and good work keep it up.
daniellaa arisen
June 20, 2007

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excellent
Well, I haven't been on AllPoetry for quite some time now, but I figured the first person I would want to rekindle with is you!

I adore this, I really do. You haven't lost your rare ability to use powerful words and literary devices without overwhelming the reader. Like a well spiced dish, this is perfect.
. Rewarded 6
wolfcub
June 20, 2007

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This is really powerful, without having any words that are normally associated with strong emotion. You carried this off really well, and I love the form and the flow is brilliant.
I really liked, 'you shared a touch
soft as moonstone nights
that greet the dawn'
but all of it was beautiful throughout.
Really well done on a very sweet and very emotional piece.
Katie
Kay Laon Anders
June 19, 2007

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Beautiful
"You Whispered Love
sweet as jasmine winds
in long dark curls..."

Amazing words mixed in that special way of yours...Mr. Thomas have you ever met someone that you believed touched your life and changed your life forever? I met someone like that a few years ago and now I have lost touch with them....and I feel like I will miss something in my life if I don't talk to them again...we never really got to say goodbye...it was never puppy love or crushing on the boy next door kind of thing..it was never even near that...but we were sort of like kindred spirits and and we talk for hours about art, music, life, God, love, , passion, self-will, and the list goes on and on...I miss his company dearly...I would ask for your advice on this if you have had a similar experience but I don't know if you have or not...this poem brought all of the memories and joys I shared with him out....probably a bit much but I know you won't mind....beautiful piece of work...

Kay Laon Anders
. Rewarded 8